4.15.2007

Acting.

The past few days have been really intense.
I have had quite a few people comment that I am quieter than I have been before. It's sort of hard to explain why only because it isn't one nice, neat answer.
It's because of depression. But that isn't the answer. Depression is sneaky. It can make you seem anxious or cold or awkward. Or all of the above.
I'm in a play and it's been really hard. I realized how I was acting around everyone. That everyone else could laugh so easily. I just couldn't. I feel like I have no sense of humour. Which is just so wrong. I have a great sense of humour. I usually get the giggles quite easily. For some reason, they just won't come anymore. I don't react to jokes or funny situations and when I do, it can feel forced.

It makes me sad- which I can feel as distinct from being depressed, yes.

I say "I'm depressed" now, but it has just become something that I say. A thing to describe my state of being that doesn't mean anything more than "I'm tall" in that I don't think about it that often and how it affects my life. I'm just realizing that I am depressed all over again, though. And what it is doing to me and what it is doing to my life.

It's taking away joy and confidence and warmth and cleverness and grace and whatever else I usually have.
Someone spent 20 minutes talking to me tonight about how I have such potential. In general. Just a general potential. That I am beautiful and young and have done interesting things in my life and that people [specifically people in the cast] like me and that it's all about attitude because I am interesting and smart and blah blah blah.

...good lord.
I just wanted to stand on a table and shout to everyone who has been commenting to me, worried or whatever they are, that "Hi. I'm trying. I'm depressed and it's a miracle I'm doing this damn play and stuck with it"
But... you can't do that. So I have to tell people that I am stressed or something. I don't know. I feel like my life has been taken away and I have been taken away.
I am not who I am.
It eats me up.

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