4.27.2007

Everything. Nothing. Future. Past.

I just want to start over. Everything is just so fucked up. I have no job, no friends, I just crashed a car. There's no one to just hang out with. Any plans I make just don't seem realistic. I think about myself ten years from now and I see ...nothing. There's nothing there. I'm still jobless, friendless, hopeless. A big fucking mess.

I'm taking a class this summer but I just don't see what good it is going to do. Graduating, if I make it, isn't going to change what is wrong with me. I can't take care of myself and I randomly cry and I am scared of life. I freak out when presented with anything or anyone unknown to me and I feel totally inhibited.

I've completely lost myself. I don't know where I went but the more time goes by the worse it gets and the more I really think that I'm just not coming back. I used to have an apartment and a job and go to school. Things didn't used to scare me. I used to be able to get gas at a different gas station or go grocery shopping. Now it's this terrible struggle.

My relationship is suffering. I have no independence so there is no privacy. No alone time, really. I'm twenty-four and I can't sleep over with my boyfriend anymore. It's just wrong. He has to stay in the guest room and it's just awkward and stupid and makes me feel like a little kid.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what is going to become of me. I still can't laugh at things a lot of the time without feeling fake. I don't get jokes. I see everyone laughing so much and I don't understand why I'm not laughing at things like they are. I can't think of things to talk about. I'm getting exhausted.

I just want to start over.

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