4.05.2007

Screwing up and freaking out.

I'm totally freaking out.

I just read the New York Times article on kids with mental illness going to college. I'm going to go back to school this summer, starting with just one class and I am totally freaking out. I'm scared that I am just going to completely fuck everything up. There really isn't much reason to feel this way. So I don't know why I do. Well, there is the fact that my current GPA is horribly bad. Like terribly horribly bad. There are some bright spots though. Some.

I don't necessarily think I will mess up and everything will be a disaster. I just know that there is a possibility and it makes my stomach feel all knotty and uncomfortable and is kind of making me shaky right now.

Does that mean I'm not ready?

I don't know. It might just mean I'm a big fucking chicken. I mean, I have to go back at some point. Now or three years from now there is still going to be that first class that I have to take.
It also brought up the whole "Why the fuck wasn't I diagnosed/in appropriate treatment while I was still in school?" thing again. Hi, I was DX'd with depression when I was nine and then I feel like there really wasn't enough follow up on that.

I feel really overwhelmed.
And pissy.

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