4.06.2007

Shoot, I can't believe I thought that was cool.

I feel disconnected from people in general.

The show I'm in is going up this weak and I have a sense of relief about it all. It's all almost over. It ended up being something that I wasn't particularly looking forward to. Not that it's torture or anything... but I haven't really enjoyed it all that much. It's been stressful. I don't know if it's because of the particular show or because it's such a huge cast and maybe I feel a little lost in it or what. I know last year, while I wasn't exactly excited to go to rehearsal and it was also stressful, at least there were times it was sort of fun and silly. This year... not so much. Sort of blah.

I'm making cookies for show snacks. I don't know why. I have no idea why I said I would do this. I do things like this a lot. I just say I'm going to do something. Like, oh, a play. Or, on a larger scale, go to Africa. [Which I did in fact end up doing.]

I just randomly bust out with stuff and then it's like I have to do it. Like the play... why didn't I just not do it when I realized it wasn't exactly my thing this year? Who knows? WHY DID I COMMIT TO COOKIES?

It's the bipolarness. It loves doing random shit. It's the bipolar that thought it would be a good idea at around midnight to drive across a few states to go see a friend. [I didn't make it. I wound up with a messy migraine and got ass backwards lost on the way to get my boyfriend.]

The problem is that I realize this now, but it still doesn't stop me from doing a lot of things. I may seemed to have quieted down but I think I am just lacking a certain amount of imagination and motivation recently. Not that I am any better at understanding that something is not a good idea or, to put it better- that I should think about things more. I try to think about them. I really do. I thought about doing the play and I thought about that road trip. Didn't help at all.

It's like once I get an idea it is instantaneously seared into my brain and it will come up again and again until I do something about it.

It's not exactly self-control issues. It's like uncontrollable decision making censorship... impairment. something.

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