6.15.2007

worry... why do I let myself worry...

My father's birthday was today. A lot of the night I could only think about how he's going to die and think about how he could die soon and of him dying of a heart attack [something I was convinced he was experiencing earlier this week] and it sucked. Who thinks that on their dad's birthday? I mean, the guy's only 55.

I'm constantly worrying about everything and I can't stop. When my mother took a dish out of the oven, my mind quickly convinced me she was going to drop it and it would spill all over the floor. When I drive out of my driveway I am convinced I am going to run over the dog. On my way to Planned Parenthood the other day I was certain someone was going to come in and shoot up the place.

These things enter my mind all the time. From spilling a drink to a horrible car accident, my mind is convinced Something Bad Will Happen. And it won't let go of the thoughts. I wrote about this a little bit in another post, but I also worry about saying the wrong thing, so I don't talk as much as I'd like to or as much as I used to. A lot of times I over think what I am going to say and repeat it in my mind, afraid I am going to speak incorrectly or say the wrong name or just the Wrong Thing. Maybe something bad even. Maybe scream at someone.

I'm getting more and more anxious about my psychiatrist appointment. I'm worried that I won't be able to get through how much anxiety effects my life. It's something that I've been thinking and talking a lot about lately because I really need to do something about it. But we haven't really addressed it before. So I guess I am worried that it won't be considered important.

I wish I could explain things like a normal person I think I just keep writing the same stuff over and over and it all sounds the same. Maybe it's therapeutic somehow.

I feel like I am so annoying.
I don't know what to write how anymore.

BLAH BLAH BLAH OH MY GOD.

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