6.20.2010

so... thats not exactly normal...


You ever find yourself discussing something and suddenly realize "wait, that's not really normal..."?

Well that kind of happened tonight.
I mean I know when things aren't right or normal, but it doesn't always have the real impact that it should.
I was in an online chat and we were discussing thoughts centered around people we love dying.

I mentioned how I imagine people in my life dying, like those close to me, all the time.
Like pretty much every day.

This is a constant theme in my life. That bad things are going to happen.

From it being "inevitable" that a glass will fall off a table and shatter, to someone falling down the stairs and breaking their neck, something bad is always going to happen.

Someone is always about to die, my peace is always about to be disrupted, I'm always about to be yelled at for something I did, I'm always about to get into a car accident, and on and on and on.

And it causes this anxiety, and often- a fear.
I'm often afraid.
I'm so used to this "fear" that it doesn't even show anymore.
It's just... there. I'm uncomfortable and afraid and anxious and always expecting the roof to cave in on me.

...uh. sometimes even literally.

Though sometimes, certain things will protect me.
If I close the door, nothing bad will happen. It's a barrier.
If I clap my hands or yell, the "badness" might go away.

Ya know? I'm fucking crazy.
My therapist said the other day she's surprised I'm functioning as well as I am.

I feel like a time bomb.
I hear this tick tick ticking.
I feel it.

There is a lot of yelling here, and it doesn't help.

It is how they deal with stress, but it increases my stress.
If I don't get out of here soon, I will explode into a bazillion little tiny pieces.
Like so many shards of a glass fallen off the table.

how beautiful

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