11.23.2010

autism entry


I have a love/hate relationship with autism.
How it applies to me, specifically.

I have been diagnosed repeatedly as autistic and at one point it became a status symbol for a couple of people I associated with, which was just scary.

I just don't fucking care at this point.

Not true. I care.
I'm still worried about being called a fake. This happened with those people after they had convinced me they were my friends and then decided no, we weren't friends anymore. Also I wasn't autistic. Not only that but I had actively lied about it, had lied to them.

It's hard to know where one stands sometimes. But that's true about anything really.

And when things come up about autism, I don't know if I can speak about it to most people. I have such conflicting feelings. I feel like there's something different and not right about me developmentally, definitely.

But it's like... sometimes treated as a club.
I don't like that.


I know if you meet me, you might just think I'm a little "shy" or a little "awkward", but if you spend time with me doing stuff it can be apparent that some stuff isn't quite right and... I don't like having to "prove" to people that it's a problem.

I also don't like other people trying to say that their awkwardness is the same as some of the shit that I've dealt with. The amount of effort I put forth to give the impression that maybe I'm a little "shy" or a little "awkward" [as opposed to a completely dysfunctional moron] is huge. I also had to learn how to do it, how to hide what things were like for me when I was younger.

Getting in trouble at school all the fucking time, being made to cry, because I don't understand the directions of the teachers. I was supposed to just "get it together" and "listen up". When I finally did have "friends" they took advantage of me and made fun of me. Having a mother who is intolerant of your noise sensitivities to the point where she would chase you with a vaccuum cleaner as a little kid. Screaming in school when the fire alarm goes off.


But then I feel like a jerk.
Who am I to say?

It's all very confusing.

It's supposed to interfere with your life.
But it's not.
It does sometimes. It doesn't sometimes. ...it pretty much does all the time; no one else sees it.

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