2.26.2011

Santa Monica

I've been feeling flashes of miserable lately.

But, I mean, generally the past few days I've been feeling better and that's a nice little break.

It's most apparent if I give myself too much time to think or something. So I guess I need to watch that.

I feel, I feel, I feel... sort of like things are spinning out of control. Still, even.
I feel like I'm not getting anything done today.

I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. Confrontation of any sort is freaking me out. I'm not worried about other people. It's me. I'm likely to flip out completely, and just go boom. Like a puffer fish. 

Pretty anxious.
And I just feel like no one gets it.
I really do.

But it seems to be getting worse and not better as time goes on.
The freaking out about school and such. I thought it might be getting a little easier, but it's not. Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I just sit there and stare at whatever I'm doing because I feel so overloaded.

I literally feel scared sometimes. I feel fear. I get sweaty and cold at the same time and my heart races and I feel a "fight or flight" sensation. But there's nowhere to go.

A lot of people like to think I'm over reacting. Or maybe not that. Maybe it's just... they don't understand the intensity of what I'm trying to tell them.

I'm pretty worried about my mental status right now. There's no turning back, no dropping classes, no withdrawing from school and basically, what I'm trying to say,
is
I'm in deep shit.

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