3.26.2011

Gimme a reason to stay here...

I'm not doing much that I'm proud of lately. My grades are going to be crappy this semester. I'm not sure if there's any saving them. So that's a let down. And I'm really trying to get used to the idea of not having all A's.

It's upsetting. It's anxiety provoking. It makes me feel bad. I mean really bad.

"It's not worth doing if it's not done right"

Right is A's. Even the A minuses I got last semester... I mean, yeah they were good. But I had and still have this nagging feeling about them. I could have done better. So why didn't I? I mean, what was my problem, what was so bad that it cost me a measly couple of points? 

I couldn't just push a teeny bit harder?
I don't know. 
I realize that's a little excessive. But I still think it.

Especially lately, I think "I'm pretty mediocre".

Because I am.
I used to feel, well, kind of special sometimes for one reason or another.
I'll grant that sometimes that "special" feeling was really "grandiosity".
However, I'm talking about a genuine feeling of "I'm a unique individual and special and proud of that because of A, B, C..."

I don't really feel that anymore?
I don't feel smart, like ever. In fact, most of the time, I'm trying to recover from feeling like a fucking idiot. I used to be all "I know I'm smart, and that's super cool" I don't know that anymore. I totally don't feel it. I can't demonstrate it to myself, I can't see it in action.

I sure as fuck don't feel pretty.
Which isn't the center of my universe, but lately I actually feel all awkward and poorly put together. And rugged and rough. It used to be "I like the way I look, and I feel good about that".
Not now. Where did that go?
I used to wear grocery cart seat belts for necklaces, because "why not?". That was what I wanted to do. 
There was little to no heels/skirt/makeup anxiety.


I don't feel like I have any talents either. Like nothing special. Everyone can do everything. Nothing special about me doing anything.

I'm mediocre at all the stuff I'm trying to do right now, in that I'm not really excelling at any thing. Not even one thing.   I don't feel like I can do anything and it's holding me back from even trying.

But no one even broaches the "[Josie] isn't doing a good job" subject anyway, which makes me feel weird.

Not at my internship.
Not with my partner project.
Not with my watercolor class.
Not as an administrator.

I don't know if I'll ever be me again. Be excited to be me. Anxiety has taken over a big part of my heart and my life. I feel like it's swallowing me up.

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