4.08.2011

squirm

I saw my GP today. About my brain and the migrainey stuff.

It didn't go as well as I had hoped.
I'm kind of at the top of the limit for the topamax and she didn't feel comfortable messing with that. Understandable.

She prescribed me something for when I get bad headache-type migraines, though and referred me to neurology.

She didn't seem very concerned about the neurological symptoms, but more concerned about the headaches.

Ok, the headaches:

The headaches kind of suck, yeah. But I've gotten into this state where it was just slowly progressing so that the headaches became kind of... normal. Like boiling frog. I'm a frog!!!

Anyway, the neurological stuff, it kind of interferes, too. I mean it can get to a point where I can't function. And I don't think she quite understands it, but I don't really blame her. I mean, it's weird.
I just...

I think I had a full blown neurological migraine, but I'm not sure; whatever it actually was, it kinda sucked.

I don't want it happening again. But it might. There's a really good chance it will, since we did nothing to my meds.
It really really bothers me. What if it happens during class? Last time I was in the study commons and thankfully I was talking online with Nal and with my friend K at the time and it didn't last too long. And it wasn't even THAT BAD. I don't know.

I feel like I suck for making such a big deal out of all of this.

I'm just worried. I feel like people don't get it. BF gets it. There's a little overlap in some of the stuff that I experience with my weird migraineness and some of the stuff he experiences sometimes with his seizures, so he gets it.
But, I can't really just explain to some one all of this crap. It's not simple.

NOTHING IS EVER SIMPLE.

And it's scary too.

I mean, I think I could have talked this time, but what if next time I can't?
I also love when I say things like that and am told I'm over reacting.
It has actually happened before that I have lost the ability to speak. Pretty sure if a basic means of communication is randomly cut off, it is not over reacting to be worried it will happen again.

I'm so sorry for venting my anxious little spleen like this but I'm a spaz and I don't see the neurologist for like a month and a half at least.

I guess I didn't really realize how bad it was getting and how much I was ignoring stuff until recently. And then I had a big "classic" migraine and then the thing that may or may not have been a full neurological migraine. [I don't think I can pretend at this point that anyone, including myself, actually knows how to classify this stuff]

But I've been having symptoms a lot lately anyway and just been ignoring it. There's been so much going on that I just doing have time to think about things.

I'm too busy dealing with not going crazy, I guess.

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