4.24.2011

The devil is in the exhale.



Recently, I had felt almost like I could breath again. But now I realize that was a false sense of security.

I'm still crazy. I'm still behind on my work. I'm still scared with a very very small support network.

But lately I've been thinking: Life in general is really fucking hard to deal with. It's likely not that bad, but I consistently perceive things as difficult because, likely, I have serious issues with general functioning in a dependable way.

I drove to my internship, about an hour and twenty minutes away, the other day. I made it there in and hour and forty because I got a little lost. I got so fucking lost on the way back that it took me over two hours.

I'm supposedly doing all of these good things, but I don't feel successful at all.
I'm not getting all A's this semester, and that's really hard to deal with. I know it sounds stupid, but it's just something that I expect from myself and that I just won't be able to do this time. It's really disappointing and makes me feel stupid and shitty.

I feel backed into a corner though. I have so much work.

I kind of, sometimes, feel like I'm about to go crazy. I feel the "pull" of the crazy, and it's tempting, almost in this weird way.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I just have to make it through to the end of this semester, and I've done it every other semester.
But this one... it seems like so much.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to collapse.
Because I'm such a wimp. I can't take it all on.

For some reason I keep trying.

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