9.16.2011

Black Hole.

I don’t know what this is. Maybe this is a “bipolar” post.
Maybe this is a general “whiskey tango foxtrot” deal. I don’t really know.

Here’s the skinny-  A few weeks ago [at least a month but less than two] I started to skip my evening medications. This would be the fluvoxamine and the lithium. It wasn’t on purpose and it was a shame because both seem to actually make a difference and have very few side effects; the effects they do present with are either extremely mild and tolerable or beneficial- aiding in impulsive eating or evening out some sketchy sleep habits, things like that.

But still, I’ve never been great with taking medication at night, and I was getting stressed out, and when I went to bed a lot of the time I would be crying or scared or anxious as fuck or D) All of the above. So taking them was touch and go for a while. Then I forgot for a few days. Then a few more days and suddenly it was the better part of a week and I wasn’t sure what to do but I was seeing my doctor soon anyway so it turned into ten days or something. Meanwhile, I’d been halfassing my other meds because I lost my ADD scripts.

So I see my doctor and explain what happened. He doesn’t suck about it, which is good and I try to get back on track.

I Do.
For a while. But then I lose my new scripts for almost all my meds, and neglect my night meds again, and run out of what I have, and soon I’m not taking anything at all. I feel tired and anxious and a little uh, paranoid. And well… up. But actually, I’m not so bad. So I resolve to tough it out until I see my doctor.
I made it, and yet again explain that I can’t keep my head screwed on. I immediately took my add meds and felt a little more glued together. I forgot how much of a wreck I feel like in comparison to when I take them.
Now I’m confused though.
Obviously I need my meds, because I had some problems.
But I didn’t go immediately batshit like usual. And why can’t I take my medication anymore? This is really worrying me. I feel a lot better and alive and just… normalized like my body can breathe and function on an even keel when I take them, so why is it so difficult?

I’m scared I’ll never take them consistently again.
If I don’t, I won’t succeed. If I don’t succeed… I’m just not sure what the point is.

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