I just can't EVEN.

I just need to get this out.
And, well, it is what it is.
I'm doing ok, but I'm not.

I'm not keeping up with my appointments with fucking ANYONE. I mean anyone. I feel exhausted all the time and occasionally like I've just been deprived of oxygen for an extended period.

  • I haven't seen my disability coordinator twice now.
  • I need to finish applying for a loan so I'm not flipping my shit and trying to scramble for rent money in a few months. Only, I haven't done that.
  • I have to call my doctor's office. My regular doctor. Two separate individuals from the office have been trying to get a hold of me for a week and a half- two weeks now. oops
  • I haven't seen my new therapist for, um... a matter of weeks.
  • Same with the new psychiatrist.

So what's my problem?
I have migraines coming out my ass, I feel tired and a little stressed out from school.
But the thing is, I feel like, going to classes is my limit.
That's it. Classes, I can handle. You add all this extra appointment bullshit and it's just too fucking much. It's like having a job.

I'm also pissed because my neurologist's office called, said something 'suspicious' [oooohhhhh boogity!] came up on the eeg and said I have to do an ambulatory one. I don't want to miss classes but they won't let me do it on the weekend and they want it done ASAP. Like this coming week. So I have to fucking go to class with it. I am so not happy about this that words can't even describe.

I missed class today because I was just so overwhelmed with the overwhelmingness that I thought I was going to start crying or start running down the street naked. I can miss four classes before it even starts affecting my grade at ALL, and I'm doing really well, so I figured it was ok.

But see? See the craziness? I will miss class cause I don't feel like it but not because I have a fifty-legged electrical spider strapped to my skull.

I am kind of fucked up about the EEG.

Because here's the thing: I kind of felt, like, "deep within my heart of hearts" that something could come up. And even though I was all bravado "It's not a big deal there's no reason to have it done it's not going to show anything" the real reason was that I was scared something was going to come up. and now... meh...

I mean deep down when I'm really honest with myself I'm pretty sure there's something neurologically funky there beyond "migraines". I don't know what it is. Whatever it is is steadily getting worse.

And I'm pissed.

I mean really, is that absolutely necessary?

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