6.09.2012

It really shouldn't be this complicated... right?

I'm frustrated, I honestly don't know what to do.
To catch anyone up to speed who hasn't run across this:
I freaked out at work because it was getting gradually more and more difficult to be there until ultimately I just had a total melt down. This is due to OCD and such that has just been hammering at my brain, and was already doing so before I even started the job. 

Work seemed to exacerbate it further.

So I had this flip out thing, and I went home that day [Saturday].
They said if it would help, not to come in today [Monday]. I thought it definitely would help since my next shift isn't until Thursday. Only my psychiatrist doesn't see the real urgency of the situation, as in "[Josie] may lose her job" and won't try to make an emergency appointment. 
Err... ok, I accept that. It's her call, maybe I'm being demanding...?

So my next appointment isn't until Thursday... the same day as the next shift I'm supposed to work. Now if we could have raised the luvox and done some other weird prn magic I was thinking maybe it would help.

Though now I don't see my psychiatrist until Thursday and work said they were really hoping they could count on me to make my shift Thursday.

So I'm in a bind. I really have doubts that work will, uh, work without making some kind of change first.
I don't want to get fired.
But then I'm thinking, raising the luvox might even mess with my sleep.
My mother thinks that I should do shorter shifts.
I feel really frustrated and I also will have to deal with being treated "differently". Also, having shorter shifts, as in four hours, you get no break. That's just how it is.
I don't know if I can do that.

But if I have a longer shift, it becomes more and more overwhelming as well.
However, the day I flipped out I had only been there about ten or fifteen minutes.

My mother is convinced this will happen anywhere new any time.

I'm not. I'm particularly vulnerable right now as I'm trying to find a new apartment and I'm having "flareups" to begin with.

Basically, I'm looking at- do I continue, knowing it may possibly make me crazier, or not, risking losing some ground [vocationally and financially] ?

If I go really nuts, it puts my fall classes in jeopardy, if I don't continue with the job, basically it just really sucks a whole lot. Everyone is likely disappointed, possibly mad, doesn't understand completely, and deep down actually will think I'm not trying hard enough
But I am much less likely to lose my marbles.
Isn't sanity the point here?

I just don't know.

1 comment:

  1. This is why I no longer am able to work. Not that I am saying you can not. It happened for me little ticks of uncertainty. Then it was anxiety and that awful dread like you have forgotten something really important. Then I was unable to actually get in the car. It was too much. Work, school, breathing. Everything became too much and what was expected of me became more than my OCD brain could tolerate. What was expected of me was killing my soul because I realized that I was no longer able to do what was expected if me any longer. Of course this is just me and you are different. I do, however, understand what you are going through. Eventually I shut off and started not to care about a lot of things. OCD is difficult. It's hard to explain to others what we go through and how just the slightest but of stress can seem like a terminal illness. Like the stress is strangling you and you can't breathe. Sending positive bought a your way and hoping that your doctor can help.

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