11.10.2012

Decompensation

I didn't realize how bad it was until I went over to BoyFriend's today.
I started out with "Hi!" and ended up with "...and people wonder why I have no faith in any kind of future for myself!" with tears streaming down my face...

I started work and that was ok.
Only I have this pressurey-angsty-stress-anxiety paranoid crap going on. I'm in a new place with new people so the OCD is acting up.

What happens with that is the most salient feature tends to pop up. This would be, most severely, the thing where I feel like everyone is being extremely critical of me constantly. And it's not a thought process. I don't know exactly if people understand this when I explain it. It's not a step by step process where
1- I see people talking
2- I wonder what they are talking about
3- I think they are talking about me
4- I think they are talking about me in a critical way
5- I also think it is very negative/no one likes me/I'm doing something wrong, etc.

It's a FEELING. I feel this for an extended amount of time.
So that it's almost tangible. I can feel the critical nature of everyone's opinion of me.

But of course I can't actually, it's impossible.

But I can't stop a feeling. This is why thought stopping, talking back to "thoughts" and such don't work. It's not really thoughts. It's a feeling.

I also can't apply for food stamps, I have some money I'm saving for when I may possibly go bonkers again. I need that money to pay my rent.

If I don't have that money and I go nuts, I won't be able to pay rent.

But if I have that money, I'm not eligible for food stamps, which I could really use, to lighten the load on my mental health, which gets strained by working, which I should not have to do to support myself because I'm on ssdi because I CAN'T SUPPORT MYSELF.

Anyone follow that?


I am going to have to work a certain number of hours, hope I don't go crazy. A-I may go crazy. I have some money saved in case I go crazy. It would lessen the chance of me going crazy if I could get food stamps. I can't get food stamps because I have a back up plan in case [see point A] I go crazy. If I get rid of the back up plan and spend down my savings and then get food stamps and work less, there is still point A- I may go crazy. In which case I'm up SHIT CREEK WITH OUT A PADDLE. I know how much the max is that I could get for food stamps, how much my utilities are and how much my ssdi is. There is no way I could afford it.

So I am in this fucking fucktastic mess, praying that I miraculously turn into this person that I am not. I feel under so much fucking pressure.

I start the stuff I've never done before tomorrow and I am fucking terrified.

I don't know how anyone does it.

I really don't.

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