6.20.2013

I kind of just want to stop...

Existing.

That's right. Stop everything.

Cause this is just bullshit.

Life = bullshit. I'll try to talk to my room mate/friend about my mom being overbearing, well I mean even more overbearing than usual, ever since I kind of "came out of the closet" and talked about some of the "bipolar ocd life sucks and then you die" stuff on Facebook.

My friend was like "yeah but you aren't like, bad now, right? I mean you're fine"
I just kind of nodded.

It's so easy for me to just sit there and nod. Much easier than to try to explain that slowly but surely I'm shriveling up inside. That every day is a struggle. This is not histrionics. This is reality.
I quite literally have to launch my self out of bed with a "1-2-3" and then kinda jump out, or I would never make it. Getting up normally is like slowly peeling off layers of skin. Painful.

Time keeps going by like there's no time at all. I have no sense of it.

If I just sit and don't keep myself distracted enough, I just start thinking. Or crying. Or just wondering why I'm not dead and "doesn't that make more sense at this point?"

On the other hand, I can also giggle at some things and I paint and I *kinda* go to classes.

Everything, therefore, must be just peachy.

I feel like I'm never going to be back to any moderate semblance of normal ever again. This has been going on for months, it feels like.

It's a slow burn. It's so painful and soul-sucking.

I actually kind of want to die a lot. If I said that to anyone who knew me they'd laugh in my face.

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