3.20.2012

Restriction and "choice".

Choice.

People talk about choices all the time. Like it's tangible, and you can hold it in your hand, roll it around your palms, really feel the edges and bumps of a situation that we call a "choice". As if you could see into every nook and cranny, even flatten it out with a rolling pin if you so desire until it is tissue paper thin and you can see the morning light through it. That would, after all, be your choice to do so.

When I think of choices, I think mostly of food.

And I think of food most of the time because people always tell me that I have a choice to be "fat" or "thin", to eat what my body is able to handle or to eat what it is sensitive to and will make it feel bad.

And most people, without thinking, say this with an air of carelessness that I would equate to inviting someone's recently deceased grandmother over for tea. They are not ever aware of the seriousness of their mistake. Often they are not restricted from many or any foods or do not have a disordered pattern of eating.

To tell me that I have a choice to pick what I eat and make it sound as easy as picking out a pair of underwear in the morning, is simply to be a big fucking asshole.

And frankly? In the morning I will often change my bra and underwear three or four times before going out. That does not get ingested and has no bearing on anything, as no one will see it most days and my body does not rely on it for its well being. That is the level of difficulty I am having with decision-making at this point.

Frankly, I'm pissed that when I say "I have a really hard time lately sticking to my restricted diet", I get an eyeroll and a sigh even from those closest to me.

Because, you know what?
I'm happy for all these people that feel they could do a better job.
They have the impression eating is simple.When you go to a restaurant and there is one thing on the menu you can eat, you feel annoyed and frustrated- but it is someone's birthday so you say nothing. 

See? Simple.
Some people have it in their head that it should be easy to find something that you actually want to eat when you are on a road trip and "stop for a snack". [a lot of the time it's like... Red Bull and beef jerky, because I've already had so much fruit that day- one of a handful of things that is portable and I can eat- that my body is starting to complain.]

I'm glad that everyone on earth could do a better job taking care of my body and sticking to the ideal diet that works best for it..

I propose this: Try it for a week.

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