...this is a "fuck you" entry.
"I think I still need that balance in my life; I want everyone to hate me as much as I hate just existing right now."
It's mental health awareness week.
I was going to write a thing here because it's a particular day of that week, but I can't finish it. Reason being? I feel so wretched and desperate at this point that I can't even explain the precise details in entirety of why I feel so wretched and desperate, involving all the ins, outs and stupidity. I'll try to write the best parts:
I have been 'certifiable' for a long time.
I have gone through a lot of Damn. Hard. Work. to deal with that, including working my butt off to deal with how to manage the huge personal resource suck it takes every day to deal with other people and how to have conversations with them, how to navigate things like public transportation, stores, sidewalks, daily "normal" activities, fake the normal, forget just general coping with mental shit other people take for granted. I have just hauled my ass back up onto the proverbial horse more times than I can count.
Even though during much of this time I physically felt like crap, it got to the point that I didn't realize how much energy it was taking every day just to get through and give the appearance i was functioning just like everyone else.
So i finally sort of get that down, and then my body goes to hell.
This has happened before though, and when this happens, i have gotten used to just accepting that whatever my symptoms are, they are fairly quickly glanced over, we do minimal lab tests and then the "she's a crazy person" button is pressed and I am given the whole "diagnosis of exclusion" deal- when really, they didn't exlude much, it's just that maybe my symptoms did not present to them a diganosis on a silver platter or maybe I don't scream and cry bloody murder if I am in pain, maybe I present a bit atypically [no way! how unexpected!], or any number of things. Regardless, easier to give any kind of random diagnosis that is typically misused and abused and often used for a chatchall but in my situation will even frequently not even fit my symptoms.
FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
I have not gone through over a decade of school and personal bullshit, working my ass off scholastically, personally, mentally, emotionally- to have this plate of physical FUCK YOU handed to me, only to have doctors do the same thing. I'm not going to sit hear and accept the same bullshit that everything has been excluded when it clearly has not, so I can just carry on in this nonfunctional state and carry a diagnosis for something [which seemed unreasonable until I mentioned I was depressed-induced by THIS CONSTANT FUCKING PAIN] when I have actually already tried almost the ENTIRE list of treatments and all have had no effect or worse- up to disastrous consequences. I REFUSE to live the rest of my life unproductive, not having finished my degree, not able to work, on disability, because fucking doctors find it too much of a pain in the ass to keep looking for the needle in the hay stack or repeatedly fail to listen to my [really quite important and relavant] family history and symptom list.
no. no. no. no. AND NO.
And I also REFUSE to have to go to another health organization which will not take ALL of my insurances, which i have difficulty getting to, which does not work with my case manager, because half the things I say go "in one ear and out the other".
I am angry as fuck.
I am depressed as fuck.
I don't have the goddamn energy to contend with either right now so let's just all hope something changes.