8.21.2005

Klondike and Carly Simon




"Well, it's hard to explain if you haven't heard it.
For some reason. She talks about her friends who
are married and how they laugh and cover up and DAMN
it's a depressing song. What the hell?!"


I was sitting in bed, playing solitaire, and just feeling miserable. [I suppose I didn't feel any more positive about myself because I was playing computer solitaire- it takes much more effort to deal out the cards and shuffle them yourself.] Usually, I am the solitaire queen- it is freeware, but it has ''13 challenging versions''. Tonight, I am just pathetic, losing round after round, and I am completely off my game. Although I am playing Klondike, the easiest one, my score is negative 127... some one shoot me.


I feel just wretched. I am not even in my bed and I just want to cry. I am not sure exactly what my reason is [which, honestly just pisses me off even more] though I feel like there is so much going on that I could probably just throw a dart. I am Pity Party Princess and not really thinking of much except for the solitaire game and how pathetic, sad, terrible and ridiculous this all is when I noticed that for the past 20 minutes or so I have, in fact, had a running soundtrack inside my head of That's The Way I've Always Heard It Should Be.


Let us pause for reflection: a lot of my friends are married. The ones who are do not have lawns, my father would not smoke unless he was drunk in which case my mother would be joining him, not reading magazines in the bedroom. That is not the way I've always heard it should be, and if my intended says something like ''we'll soar like two birds'' I will know he is crazier than I and it will be a huge red flag.



It made me wonder what the hell I was doing. I don't own any Carly Simon.


This was nearing what is quickly becoming a contemporary Hollywood archetype.


It plays upon a theme.


The music- it is perfect.


[Though it would be playing in the background on the stereo. Getting inside a character's head is too close to calling them crazy- or too reminiscent of the 'Airplane' movies]


The solitaire would be with actual cards- playing solitaire on a computer is a realistic act of depression and loneliness but it just is not hip enough [although normally laptops are 'in']... and who the FUCK would sit through at least half [perhaps longer] of a Carly Simon song watching someone with misty eyes play shitty solitaire on their busted laptop?


They would likely be playing on the floor- amongst some sort of paraphernalia, or not... depending on the actual context of the scene and what led up to it- break up, pet dying, losing job, bad hair cut, etc.


Of course- wine... there would be wine.


Just feeling shitty, apparently, is not suitable enough in any movie, to play solitaire, feel like you want to be alone and just try to not think. NOPE you need to feel shitty and be drunk. And to do this you need to DRINK WINE. And listen to shit like Carly Simon.


Now, if you get hard core, that is when you walk to the corner package store, grab some liquor in a brown bag and stagger around the street. No Carly Simon and cards for YOU. You haven't been shot down you have been blasted with a fucking shot gun and then beaten with it for good measure.


Back to the song and the solitaire- this can actually appear in two different movies- silly guy who has no luck with girls at all or, sweet girl who gets screwed all the time but still has no luck with men... in the former- it may actually be humorous and played up, in which boyfriends will likely flock to see it. In the latter, it may cause some tears, and boyfriends may have to be dragged. However, these previous statements regarding fictional attendance to fictional films are, as I said, fictional.