I kind of started crying in CVS

I say kind of because it's hard to like, have a good sob unless you are just full on hysterical.

It's like, you turn away from the magazines with Robin Williams on them and then you are looking at plastic grinning pumpkins, right across the aisle from the last remnants of insulated drink cups, cheap beach chairs, 5$ sun dresses. When I realized I should stop looking back and forth from the grinning pumpkins to Robin Williams, I happened upon the sparkling water display which was relatively low-key and managed to kind of gain my composure.

But what had set me off was Robin Williams. Only... not Robin Williams. What set me off, and I'm going to try to explain here, was so many of these things that hang out behind everything else in my head all the time.

I saw a picture of "older" Robin Williams next to his "younger" self. And he has really blue eyes... My best friend had a baby almost three months ago and I love him a lot. He has really blue eyes and I do too. That's probably never going to be me, with a baby. I've known this for a while- and it's not one thing. It's not any of the neuropsych stuff. There are a lot of physical health issues involved.

But there's that. There's that he was a "funny guy" and while I am no Robin Williams, I just have to use humour to deal with everything. With pain, heartache, sorrow, anger, angst, misery. Depression so deep and vast that I can't breathe- but I can make some sort of half-funny comment. Apparently.

There have been so many times that I talk to my best friend for over an hour and we talk about mundane stuff: "I need to get my hair cut" "I didn't sleep well last night"...but the reality might be that I had been struggling that whole week, but that day in particular with a whole lot of "life sucks" and needing to tell myself and really try to convince myself that even if only logically, killing myself probably isn't the way to go.

I'm typing this now and stuff really really hurts- my hands are hurting, but if I don't try to get it out... like I've been trying to for days and days, I don't know maybe I'll implode.

Robin Williams took his life on my birthday, and while I don't think that is any special sign or anything like that, it had an impact.

I am not sure I can even verbalize the impact it had.

I am generally a positive person. This is actually severely rejected in our society. So much so that I generally actually get less bullcrap thrown at me when I am depressed or pissy, then when I am productively positive. Considering I can't actually be on any antidepressants that are effective for my depression, and I'm bipolar, and winter is coming [again]? this is going to be fun.

I also have pretty bad OCD. I am on basically the minimum amount of medication I can be on for the OCD an be functional, because the meds tend to lower my seizure threshold.

I'm scared about winter coming, because I am scared of being cold all the time. My joints and most of my body is in pain to some degree and I am managing, somehow, to kind of maintain some sort of positive outlook [which is my predisposition, but still]. But that is sans anti-depressants, also sans blistering cold weather.

Lab test indicate that I am looking at RA and lupus right now, pretty likely. Also seizures which may or may not be controlled, and migraines which are unpredictable. The ~RA and ~lupus combine for a lot of fun stuff, and meds thus far are not effective.

Stuff really really really sucks.

I actually feel really alienated most of the time in most situations and just fake the hell out of it. It is exhausting when you can't understand what people are saying, you have to smile and nod and people EXPECT you to do this every time and if you have a problem it's you being a jerk.

I actually get perceived as a jerk a lot.
When you have like, no energy and personal resources though... you kind of can't mess around with giving what little you have to everyone else.

Which I've learned... but I've also learned that like, if you don't act a certain way, you are perceived as an A Hole. You can be kissing someones toes but if it is not while commenting on their toenail polish, you are rude.

I could go on and on. But I won't.

Ironically, this entire rant was prompted by the recurring feeling that I'm not actually supposed to say anything ever. Which is difficult when [like a lot of people on the autism spectrum, I think?] you have a really strong sense of "right/wrong; fair/unfair; kind/unkind, etc".

So then I get stuck in this thing where I don't think I'm supposed to say anything because it will upset people but then if i don't say anything it's not fair to OTHER people.

Then, no matter what, I'm an ass.

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