8.01.2007

Survival instincts of young female cows.

I could go through the list of stuff that I ate but I know two things simultaneously:
1)I ate too much and I'm gross for doing it.
2)I really didn't eat too much at all and probably should have eaten more.

How one's brain can pull this sort of shit is a mystery to me. I never understood it and probably never will. It's almost, but not quite, doublethink. In doublethink you must be able to be unaware you are doing such a thing. I am fully aware of it yet powerless to stop it. With doublethink, one consciously [and sort of unconsciously] directs the process. [Wait, but how are you unaware of it? Yeah.] I would will it to go away.

Staring at a white wall and calling it black, knowing it is white, yet not letting yourself know you know must be exhausting [and still not letting yourself know that you are not letting yourself know...] and I don't doubt some people attempt this.

I just want to feel ok. All I can think is that this non-doublethink thought process is some sort of survival instinct all twisted up. Some way to blend in as camouflage? Be a tree. No, really BE a tree. [But I'm not a tree. But I am so this predator doesn't eat me.] It's sort of a stretch.

Well how does that come back to "I'm a heifer, no I'm not"?
No idea.
Hope I have that doublethink shit down straight.

7.10.2007

Conversations at a yard party.

I went to a neighbor's yard party this past weekend. It was interesting.  I went with my parents and it was all awkward.  I felt like I was looking people in the eye too much. I don't know how to talk to people so I feel like I'm either staring at them or they think I'm just not paying attention at all.  So I don't know a lot of people at this party and I end up next to this guy R.  He starts asking me where I'm from [2 houses up the street] what I'm doing and what I want to be doing in the future.  He almost barks his questions but he isn't trying to be rude.  I feel like he doesn't know quite how to talk to people either but is unaware of this and he keeps shooting questions at me like shotgun blasts. Now it's something about my dogs and then it's about the back way to route 101.

I somehow got into a conversation with three random people for about an hour and I have no idea of what we talked about.  It's a little better than one on one conversations but still confusing for me, because I feel like I'm supposed to know who is going to make a comment to me when and I really have no idea whatsoever. I feel like I'm constantly on guard, looking for the next pass or something.

I ended up going on a little tour of the house, which I found odd but amusing.  Then somehow I got drafted to sing with some guys who were playing guitar which was amusing as well.  All of our musical tastes almost overlapped, so we took forever trying to find songs that we could do together.  By that time I'd had a few drinks and decided it was probably a good time to go home.
---
I joined this softball league over a month ago and now it is starting soon, so there was a meeting/preparty thing that I needed to go to where I went to meet my teamates.  Only four of us out of... nine or ten or twelve, not really sure, showed up.  And again, I was all weirded out by the conversation thing.
Am I staring?
Am I looking at them enough?
Do I seem like a spaz?  
...well, I don't think I offended anyone and I usually consider that a success.

My mood is ok right now.  That's another thing.  I keep cycling around and stuff so it's like I figure I can't be too bad.  By the time I even consider maybe doing something, I start to feel somewhat normal again.

6.26.2007

There was a clue tonight on Jeopardy about bipolar disorder. I was watching with my mother and father. The answer was obvious but it was like no one was supposed to actually know about it. No one answered until the last second.

It was very very awkward.

6.24.2007

"Compulsive."

My therapist told me I was compulsive the other day.  I half nodded in half agreement though I was only half certain I agreed at the time.  It made me feel wrong.

Compulsive.  It sounds like a medical procedure.

I tend to think I'm a little obsessive and I bet she thinks this too though she hasn't said it.  Though don't you necessarily have to be a little obsessive to be compulsive but not the other way around?

Back to the... COMPULSIVE.  We were discussing class and what I do to study.  I take notes. I rewrite them at home.  I go over the study guide he gives us and write answers to that, then rewrite that because I can't think and write at the same time.  I have two notebooks for this class. One is the messy one, the other one is legible.  I do the homework. I read the chapter a couple of times and I highlight it and go through and skim all the highlighted parts. I watch this cd-rom that comes with the book because there are a couple of things in it that are maybe helpful. The book [i]says[/i] you should study three hours for every hour you are in class.

So she said that I am a little compulsive about things.  I still only half agree.  Because there are many many things that I am not compulsive about.  Not regularly anyway.  I also feel like I have to study like that because just looking over things doesn't help.

There are so many times when I could be compulsive and I'm just not. Like about the bathroom.  I haven't gone nuts and scrubbed the bathroom like crazy for a while. Probably because there is no one else driving me nuts about it. [But damn did it need it.]

My mother wants me to call my doctor about the meds not working well enough.  She thinks that how I am acting/reacting isn't worth how little benefit I am getting from them. Plus he'll be away for a month.
I don't know who's covering for him. I don't want to call.

Speaking of doctors.
My doctor [same one] had to fill out a form for insurance and one of the questions was "In your professional opinion, will this person ever be capable of self-support?"

He answered no.

...well we should throw a fucking ticker tape parade, huh?

6.16.2007

Worrying

My father's birthday was today.  A lot of the night I could only think about how he's going to die and think about how he could die soon and of him dying of a heart attack [something I was convinced he was experiencing earlier this week] and it sucked.  Who thinks that on their dad's birthday? I mean, the guy's only 55.

I'm constantly worrying about everything and I can't stop.  When my mother took a dish out of the oven, my mind quickly convinced me she was going to drop it and it would spill all over the floor.  When I drive out of my driveway I am convinced I am going to run over the dog.  On my way to Planned Parenthood the other day I was certain someone was going to come in and shoot up the place.

These things enter my mind all the time. From spilling a drink to a horrible car accident, my mind is convinced Something Bad Will Happen.  And it won't let go of the thoughts.  I wrote about this a little bit in another post, but I also worry about saying the wrong thing, so I don't talk as much as I'd like to or as much as I used to.  A lot of times I over think what I am going to say and repeat it in my mind, afraid I am going to speak incorrectly or say the wrong name or just the Wrong Thing.  Maybe something bad even.  Maybe scream at someone.

I'm getting more and more anxious about my psychiatrist appointment. I'm worried that I won't be able to get through how much anxiety effects my life.  It's something that I've been thinking and talking a lot about lately because I really need to do something about it.  But we haven't really addressed it before.  So I guess I am worried that it won't be considered important.

I wish I could explain things like a normal person  I think I just keep writing the same stuff over and over and it all sounds the same. Maybe it's therapeutic somehow.

6.15.2007

worry... why do I let myself worry...

My father's birthday was today. A lot of the night I could only think about how he's going to die and think about how he could die soon and of him dying of a heart attack [something I was convinced he was experiencing earlier this week] and it sucked. Who thinks that on their dad's birthday? I mean, the guy's only 55.

I'm constantly worrying about everything and I can't stop. When my mother took a dish out of the oven, my mind quickly convinced me she was going to drop it and it would spill all over the floor. When I drive out of my driveway I am convinced I am going to run over the dog. On my way to Planned Parenthood the other day I was certain someone was going to come in and shoot up the place.

These things enter my mind all the time. From spilling a drink to a horrible car accident, my mind is convinced Something Bad Will Happen. And it won't let go of the thoughts. I wrote about this a little bit in another post, but I also worry about saying the wrong thing, so I don't talk as much as I'd like to or as much as I used to. A lot of times I over think what I am going to say and repeat it in my mind, afraid I am going to speak incorrectly or say the wrong name or just the Wrong Thing. Maybe something bad even. Maybe scream at someone.

I'm getting more and more anxious about my psychiatrist appointment. I'm worried that I won't be able to get through how much anxiety effects my life. It's something that I've been thinking and talking a lot about lately because I really need to do something about it. But we haven't really addressed it before. So I guess I am worried that it won't be considered important.

I wish I could explain things like a normal person I think I just keep writing the same stuff over and over and it all sounds the same. Maybe it's therapeutic somehow.

I feel like I am so annoying.
I don't know what to write how anymore.

BLAH BLAH BLAH OH MY GOD.

6.11.2007

[i want]

I want to not take my meds and I want to go out drinking all the time or fuck it stay home and get trashed and not worry that I'm an alcoholic because I'm drinking more than a couple times a year. And I want to smoke some pot and I want my bowl back so I can color it and then eventually scrape it and do it all over again. I want this horrible anxiety to go away and I want to not think of all of these bad things, like dying or hurting people or saying the wrong things, all of the time. I want to run off and spend all of my money and chop off all of my hair and not worry about it. I want to go to Bonnaroo and be a hippie freak. I want to not give a fuck.

Then maybe all of this badness will go away.

6.10.2007

melatonin.

I started taking melatonin two days ago but I think it's probably a bust. I get sleepy, more than tired, when I go to bed but I can't tell if it's making me pissy or not. Which isn't a good thing. It could, of course, just be that I am not getting much sleep and am attributing it to the melatonin.

When i tried to take Rozerem it made me very not happy and I stopped taking it immediately. I was more than pissy. I got so aggravated with someone at a restaurant who was obnoxious and talking on their cellphone that I was all shaky. But I want to try it again. I think it might help and maybe now it would be ok.

I have my chemistry class tomorrow. Our first quiz is at the end of class and I have run out of ways to study. I need to study some more but I don't know how to. I need to do well on this quiz and in this class. My guts are starting to hurt thinking about it and I sort of feel like crying.

Anxiety much?

I feel all pressured.  I really want to get an A. But I don't think that's going to happen. If I get a B, my parents will be ok with it but I really really won't be. I'll try to be and pretend it's ok, but it won't be. And this is a problem because I can't do this for two months. I don't know what to call it exactly but I feel really stressed. I know it is unreasonably stressed. I'm not a stupid person; I shouldn't do poorly on the quiz but I am sort of freaking out anyway.

Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim.

5.24.2007

The new boogeyman.

It's really hard being bipolar. Well, duh.
But, really. It just plain sucks. I can't control my moods even when I think they are in my fist. Always,  something else is coming around the corner. Some new undiscovered territory that hasn't yet screwed with me.

I'm so sick of this. I'm feeling so extraordinarily pessimistic. I'm not a pessimistic person. It feels as though nothing is working. I'm not working. I realize that I am taking a nose dive. For the moment. Maybe I'll be ok in an hour. Or maybe I'll be irritable like whoa... Maybe I'll just be sleeping. Who knows? Not me.

The experience of having this little deviation and having difficulty treating the symptoms effectively seems, in a way, as thouyh one is having ones brain slowly digested. I can feel mine rotting away. That whole kindling theory? Not a theory. It happens. Oh hell yes. And all the meds just can't keep up. So meds or no, my brain is being eaten by this tag along monster.

I have such a hard time explaining bipolar to people. I mean really explaining it. Beyond the mania vs depression text book stuff.

It's just... crap. It's all crap.
Obnoxious.
If I don't keep trying to write about it, I think I'm going to either explode or shrivel up.
That's pretty typical.

5.06.2007

Nothing to say.

I haven't been saying much. I don't know why, but my brain has been having trouble producing things to say. The other day I really was trying to have a conversation and there was just nothing there.
At this point it isn't even that I am too anxious to say something. I am not at that point. I'm not even thinking of anything that I could say.
Half the time I am thinking "Wow. I'm not really thinking about anything right now. Huh. That's odd."

So I haven't written anything the past few days and before that I answered a couple posts and crappily at that.

I don't know what's up but something is inhibiting my brain. I have to really think about having a reaction to things.
"How do I feel about that? Do I like cinnamon gum? Do I feel strongly about it? I'm not sure."

It's really strange.
I'm trying to keep the cobwebs off but it is difficult. At least I'm reading. I just finished The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. It's good. Strange. Good.

Now I'm reading Imajica by Clive Barker.

I'm going to put in the little Amazon thingies when i get a chance but I can't remember how right now.

Anyway. I've started Imajica before, been a good way through the first half [some versions have it split into two books] but didn't finish it so I'm starting over. I got it through PaperbackSwap.

It's a neat book swapping site that has you only pay for postage and swap a book. But you start out with three free credits. It works out really well.

I went crazy one day and posted over fifty books there so now I have something like 70 books up and four in transit. And I'm waiting for a book on Dali.

Ha. And I have nothing to say...

4.27.2007

Everything. Nothing. Future. Past.

I just want to start over. Everything is just so fucked up. I have no job, no friends, I just crashed a car. There's no one to just hang out with. Any plans I make just don't seem realistic. I think about myself ten years from now and I see ...nothing. There's nothing there. I'm still jobless, friendless, hopeless. A big fucking mess.

I'm taking a class this summer but I just don't see what good it is going to do. Graduating, if I make it, isn't going to change what is wrong with me. I can't take care of myself and I randomly cry and I am scared of life. I freak out when presented with anything or anyone unknown to me and I feel totally inhibited.

I've completely lost myself. I don't know where I went but the more time goes by the worse it gets and the more I really think that I'm just not coming back. I used to have an apartment and a job and go to school. Things didn't used to scare me. I used to be able to get gas at a different gas station or go grocery shopping. Now it's this terrible struggle.

My relationship is suffering. I have no independence so there is no privacy. No alone time, really. I'm twenty-four and I can't sleep over with my boyfriend anymore. It's just wrong. He has to stay in the guest room and it's just awkward and stupid and makes me feel like a little kid.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what is going to become of me. I still can't laugh at things a lot of the time without feeling fake. I don't get jokes. I see everyone laughing so much and I don't understand why I'm not laughing at things like they are. I can't think of things to talk about. I'm getting exhausted.

I just want to start over.

4.15.2007

Acting.

The past few days have been really intense.
I have had quite a few people comment that I am quieter than I have been before. It's sort of hard to explain why only because it isn't one nice, neat answer.
It's because of depression. But that isn't the answer. Depression is sneaky. It can make you seem anxious or cold or awkward. Or all of the above.
I'm in a play and it's been really hard. I realized how I was acting around everyone. That everyone else could laugh so easily. I just couldn't. I feel like I have no sense of humour. Which is just so wrong. I have a great sense of humour. I usually get the giggles quite easily. For some reason, they just won't come anymore. I don't react to jokes or funny situations and when I do, it can feel forced.

It makes me sad- which I can feel as distinct from being depressed, yes.

I say "I'm depressed" now, but it has just become something that I say. A thing to describe my state of being that doesn't mean anything more than "I'm tall" in that I don't think about it that often and how it affects my life. I'm just realizing that I am depressed all over again, though. And what it is doing to me and what it is doing to my life.

It's taking away joy and confidence and warmth and cleverness and grace and whatever else I usually have.
Someone spent 20 minutes talking to me tonight about how I have such potential. In general. Just a general potential. That I am beautiful and young and have done interesting things in my life and that people [specifically people in the cast] like me and that it's all about attitude because I am interesting and smart and blah blah blah.

...good lord.
I just wanted to stand on a table and shout to everyone who has been commenting to me, worried or whatever they are, that "Hi. I'm trying. I'm depressed and it's a miracle I'm doing this damn play and stuck with it"
But... you can't do that. So I have to tell people that I am stressed or something. I don't know. I feel like my life has been taken away and I have been taken away.
I am not who I am.
It eats me up.

4.10.2007

Flagpole.

I'm so sick of being paranoid.
I'm paranoid about a lot of things. It's hard to admit this.

That people are talking about me, definitely. That people are looking for me. That a car is following me. Some random person or the police.

Paranoia. It's not just a hobby.

Paranoia Paranoia everybody's comin' to get me.
No really. A small part of me thinks they are. For some reason.
It's stupid and I know it but it won't go away. I can't force myself to believe the thoughts are 100% wrong.
 It's embarrassing.

From what I've read and who I've talked to, this is a part of bipolar. And not necessarily while in an "episode". Bipolars tend to be a little more paranoid. It's a problem that plagues.
Will it always have to be like this?

4.06.2007

Shoot, I can't believe I thought that was cool.

I feel disconnected from people in general.

The show I'm in is going up this weak and I have a sense of relief about it all. It's all almost over. It ended up being something that I wasn't particularly looking forward to. Not that it's torture or anything... but I haven't really enjoyed it all that much. It's been stressful. I don't know if it's because of the particular show or because it's such a huge cast and maybe I feel a little lost in it or what. I know last year, while I wasn't exactly excited to go to rehearsal and it was also stressful, at least there were times it was sort of fun and silly. This year... not so much. Sort of blah.

I'm making cookies for show snacks. I don't know why. I have no idea why I said I would do this. I do things like this a lot. I just say I'm going to do something. Like, oh, a play. Or, on a larger scale, go to Africa. [Which I did in fact end up doing.]

I just randomly bust out with stuff and then it's like I have to do it. Like the play... why didn't I just not do it when I realized it wasn't exactly my thing this year? Who knows? WHY DID I COMMIT TO COOKIES?

It's the bipolarness. It loves doing random shit. It's the bipolar that thought it would be a good idea at around midnight to drive across a few states to go see a friend. [I didn't make it. I wound up with a messy migraine and got ass backwards lost on the way to get my boyfriend.]

The problem is that I realize this now, but it still doesn't stop me from doing a lot of things. I may seemed to have quieted down but I think I am just lacking a certain amount of imagination and motivation recently. Not that I am any better at understanding that something is not a good idea or, to put it better- that I should think about things more. I try to think about them. I really do. I thought about doing the play and I thought about that road trip. Didn't help at all.

It's like once I get an idea it is instantaneously seared into my brain and it will come up again and again until I do something about it.

It's not exactly self-control issues. It's like uncontrollable decision making censorship... impairment. something.

4.05.2007

Screwing up and freaking out.

I'm totally freaking out.

I just read the New York Times article on kids with mental illness going to college. I'm going to go back to school this summer, starting with just one class and I am totally freaking out. I'm scared that I am just going to completely fuck everything up. There really isn't much reason to feel this way. So I don't know why I do. Well, there is the fact that my current GPA is horribly bad. Like terribly horribly bad. There are some bright spots though. Some.

I don't necessarily think I will mess up and everything will be a disaster. I just know that there is a possibility and it makes my stomach feel all knotty and uncomfortable and is kind of making me shaky right now.

Does that mean I'm not ready?

I don't know. It might just mean I'm a big fucking chicken. I mean, I have to go back at some point. Now or three years from now there is still going to be that first class that I have to take.
It also brought up the whole "Why the fuck wasn't I diagnosed/in appropriate treatment while I was still in school?" thing again. Hi, I was DX'd with depression when I was nine and then I feel like there really wasn't enough follow up on that.

I feel really overwhelmed.
And pissy.

4.01.2007

Non-acceptance.

I don't really have any friends and it really pisses me off. There are people who I call my friends but they aren't close and I never see them.
I have no idea how to make them. I don't remember making friends, just that I used to have them.
And what is stupid is that people seem surprised that I have no friends. That's just annoying.

One of my "friends" never called me back and that just doesn't happen.
He's one of the only people that lives within an hour driving distance and he told me to call him.
I feel really left out of life.

And I'm still battling my medication. I'm taking it, but it seems stupid. And therapy seems stupid. Every aspect of me being bipolar and treating it seems stupid. I was happier totally fucked up. It's a lie, but barely.
I have passed into this entire phase of non-acceptance, it seems.
Wonder-fucking-ful.

3.28.2007

enough.

Is there a point that we are supposed to just give up trying to fix ourselves? Are we expected to settle for something less than everyone else?

Someone else gets to say when my medication is working well enough and therefore they get to declare when I am content enough. Not me. There is only so much that I can do to be healthy and happy. Unfortunately, drugs are a key part of my mental health. They do play a major role in my happiness. I hate it, but it's the truth. It's why I have grown to hate them. I've plateaued and I wonder how long it will be until my doctor says "enough".