If I do, who cares?
There's no way to fix it so that I experience sensations normally. So that it's easier to describe types of pain or physical sensation; even if my neurologist said "mmm yes, I agree: synesthetic. [???word???] Absolutely!", it wouldn't help anything.
It would give any random person who had just met me within the last 30 seconds something else about my lived experience to argue with me about though and that's probably the last thing I need.
...but I can try.
Sometimes [more and more often], my joints are like rocks or stones. They make a kind of wall- it reminds me of an ancient Incan structure but it just keeps going on.
It's more the surface than the structure, and there is to some extent a kind of very broad etching. One would have to stand back to see what it makes. There are bits of green.
My joints, when they hurt a certain way... they hurt like those stones look like they feel.
I didn't realize until very very recently... this is not the way most people experience things. I have been having a lot of trouble describing my sensations of pain- but that is nothing new. It has always been like that. The realization that not everyone has accompanying visuals-kinda came when I was having this conversation with my boyfriend about a few things that just... always have an image with them. [different for each pain, sensation].
It can be frustrating because often I talk about the pain sort of like I am talking about how the image might feel. I don't know if I knew this or not.
One in particular seems to really get to my rheumatologist- this "splintery" feeling I have in my feet and hands. She has a hard time understanding what that means, what I am trying to indicate by that; I often have a hard time explaining further, because I don't understand how she could not understand.
I may possibly understand that now.
The splintery feeling could be referencing when I picture the end of splintered wood. Like pieces of wood broken and splintered at the broken parts.
Those aren't the only things, but it's not like there is a "thing"...whatever... for every physical sensation. There are not a huge number of them.
...but am I supposed to know that's why I say that, why I use the word splintery or have other trouble describing physical stuff?
Is that even a reason why I would?
Isn't someone supposed to help me figure this out?
Is someone else supposed to figure that out?