5.24.2007

The new boogeyman.

It's really hard being bipolar. Well, duh.
But, really. It just plain sucks. I can't control my moods even when I think they are in my fist. Always,  something else is coming around the corner. Some new undiscovered territory that hasn't yet screwed with me.

I'm so sick of this. I'm feeling so extraordinarily pessimistic. I'm not a pessimistic person. It feels as though nothing is working. I'm not working. I realize that I am taking a nose dive. For the moment. Maybe I'll be ok in an hour. Or maybe I'll be irritable like whoa... Maybe I'll just be sleeping. Who knows? Not me.

The experience of having this little deviation and having difficulty treating the symptoms effectively seems, in a way, as thouyh one is having ones brain slowly digested. I can feel mine rotting away. That whole kindling theory? Not a theory. It happens. Oh hell yes. And all the meds just can't keep up. So meds or no, my brain is being eaten by this tag along monster.

I have such a hard time explaining bipolar to people. I mean really explaining it. Beyond the mania vs depression text book stuff.

It's just... crap. It's all crap.
Obnoxious.
If I don't keep trying to write about it, I think I'm going to either explode or shrivel up.
That's pretty typical.

5.06.2007

Nothing to say.

I haven't been saying much. I don't know why, but my brain has been having trouble producing things to say. The other day I really was trying to have a conversation and there was just nothing there.
At this point it isn't even that I am too anxious to say something. I am not at that point. I'm not even thinking of anything that I could say.
Half the time I am thinking "Wow. I'm not really thinking about anything right now. Huh. That's odd."

So I haven't written anything the past few days and before that I answered a couple posts and crappily at that.

I don't know what's up but something is inhibiting my brain. I have to really think about having a reaction to things.
"How do I feel about that? Do I like cinnamon gum? Do I feel strongly about it? I'm not sure."

It's really strange.
I'm trying to keep the cobwebs off but it is difficult. At least I'm reading. I just finished The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. It's good. Strange. Good.

Now I'm reading Imajica by Clive Barker.

I'm going to put in the little Amazon thingies when i get a chance but I can't remember how right now.

Anyway. I've started Imajica before, been a good way through the first half [some versions have it split into two books] but didn't finish it so I'm starting over. I got it through PaperbackSwap.

It's a neat book swapping site that has you only pay for postage and swap a book. But you start out with three free credits. It works out really well.

I went crazy one day and posted over fifty books there so now I have something like 70 books up and four in transit. And I'm waiting for a book on Dali.

Ha. And I have nothing to say...