RE: OCD or "nO oNE CaReS AbouT yOuR dISorDer i tYpe hOW I waNt"

 So, there was this:

Then there was this genius contribution:

Which ended up, eventually, motivating me to comment on the video. After a couple additions and edits, it looks like this:

Here's what it is like for me to have OCD- this 'concept' that I have been diagnosed with, that people enjoy mocking [and will continue to mock even after I write this], that few people understand and many enjoy as a replacement for the whole emo shitshow:

OCD is pretty much a prison. You walk around and no one sees that you are stuck in this mobile jail cell. You are a caged animal and everything in the world is your captor, including the people around you [unbeknownst to them]. There are these complex and insane things you have to abide by. You actually understand that they make no sense. 

You can't discuss them with anyone because no one understands the literal FEAR that this entire situation generates. It's not like "I'm nervous because I'm imagining these bad things happening" and it's some kind of bad dream you can simply wake up from. 

It is a constant nightmare playing in your head- the only *temporary* way out is to engage in rituals. Sometimes these rituals are completely obvious: flicking lights, touching door handles, picking up a pen and putting it down. Sometimes it is about avoiding a certain color [red=blood; black=death; brown=dirty, etc]. 

Sometimes the rituals are actually entirely mental, as is often in my case, If you are in that "nightmare", where you have this horrible intrusive thought, you need to fight it with another thought. Or a word thought over and over. Or you do something that no one else realizes is part of a ritual. Or you start avoiding things. 

You live your life in fear because the fear always comes back. The trap is that the only way you know to fight the fear actually increases the likelihood of it coming back.
People will tell you to "just stop" and it's not that easy.

OCD can be heavily based in neurological dysfunction, it has been found. You might as well tell some one to stop blinking, which is actually a great analogy. Try it: stop blinking.  You can for a while, but it becomes uncomfortable. If you stop for long enough, it becomes painful. Eventually people around you will notice something is wrong. 

OCD is not always solved by medication and therapy. Sometimes it comes back. Sometimes you just live with it. Sometimes the symptoms are better or worse. People may think you like indulging in the symptoms of OCD so you become alienated [which can actually aggravate it]. 

I personally experience a lot of alienation because OCD puts me in a position where I get to a point where I will eventually literally be in a state of fear if I don't do something- follow through with whatever ritual or compulsion with alleviate my fears, even only temporarily. To be clear: this is not the kind of fear you think you are experiencing when you are on a roller coaster. 

This is Literal. Fear...of something catastrophic happening. Unfortunately, the way I need to respond to people, to my environment, to events or simplyhow I behave in general in order to avoid that feeling can be perceived as just being a jerk. 

And of course: "first rule of OCD: you don't talk about OCD".

This is not a good time and it doesn't make you "interesting". It can disable you and take away your feeling of humanity. Really "neat", huh?

I actually did enjoy this video..
All this "I like to order my books by color, OMG I'm soooo OCD" nonsense, though?  That's not OCD. That's you being "quirky". Quirky is not a life lived in a trap. So move right the hell along and enjoy your freedom.

Great reference for Pure OCD:


--Courtesty of Gizmodo-- "Study: Dr. Oz is full of shit" [i am jack's complete lack of surprise]

Ok, just to reference the first bit of that*:

But about Dr. Oz... [it also involves another show, but I often pick on Dr. Oz more. Yup.]

The issue is REALLY about medical media, specifically talk shows in this case. Should the recommendations they make be considered professional, safe, evidence-based?  I honestly think that if you have a degree and are making recommendations in any form within that field under the acknowledgement that you do in fact have training and education in that field, you should be held to professional standards. I personally understand though, that money is a strong motivator, and I kind of don't trust anyone at this point without personally learning about the cost/benefit ratio and getting a larger picture of information.

I would wish that everyone could and would do that. 
It is not a reasonable expectation however, and I get that. First- I don't have a busy life. Let's be honest about that. I don't have a lot going on. I can take hours to research specific medications, treatments, the evidence for or against a certain protocol. 

I also have a lot of background in health, biology, neurology, pharmacology, psychology etc etc etc. A lot of this is from a formal educational background. Some of it is from applying that formal education to my own life- learning as I have gone through the health system. In doing research as well, I have a basic understanding of how to read an article from pubmed or similar.

That doesn't mean I'm smarter- I simply have a different background [and, to be clear- I'm always still learning about all that]. I am not going to expect someone with a background in accounting to necessarily have as strong an understanding of a PI sheet, but I'm not going to be #supergreat at running taxes for pretty much anyone but me [and some years that gets complicated, honestly].

There is also this implicit and sometimes explicit "understanding" in the doctor/patient relationship: the doctor is omniscient and the patient is completely ignorant. While that's really a bunch of bullshit in the black and white sense that it is supposed to be embraced, it is so deeply embedded in the western idea of medicine that it is very hard to break out of. Particularly for any demographic that could be considered vulnerable in any sense. If you are sick, you are already down a peg.

And... I mean pretty much if you lack a grad degree and then beyond that if you are not male and white and between like, 25 [maybe 30] and 50 years of age- you are often assumed to have no idea about anything.

So all of these factors mean: when someone like Dr. Oz, or the experts who are on the show The Doctors present information, and they are degree'd professionals? People will more often than not just listen instead of look elsewhere for more information or opinions.
From the BMJ study:

The Dr Oz Show and half of the recommendations on The Doctors were based on believable or somewhat believable evidence. Evidence was believable or somewhat believable against a recommendation for 1 in 8-10 recommendations. For slightly over 1 in 3 and 1 in 4 of the recommendations for The Dr Oz Show and The Doctors respectively, no evidence could be found. This is despite us being quite liberal in the type and amount of evidence we required. The percentage of medical practice in the real world that is evidence based is difficult to ascertain, although one review reported an average of 78% of medical interventions were based on some form of “compelling” evidence. Comparisons are difficult, however, because the types of evidence that was required to determine this is considerably varied.

When the shows offered recommendations:
  • less than 20% of the time did they actually specify how beneficial the recommendation was likely to be. If it was a weight loss recommendation, there was no specification regarding how much weight. If it was supposed to have a cognitive benefit, no specific numbers or quantifiable information regarding what one could expect.
  • less than 15% of the time was it mentioned how much something might cost. Many of the recommendations on these shows which are related to weight loss are not regarding exercise... i have noticed that a lot of them are regarding supplements/vitamins/herbs which can be kind of pricey. If someone is hooked on something they believe will work before they know the price, they are much more likely to buy it
  • less than 10% of the time were harmful potential side effects mentioned. So more than 90% of the time these experts simply neglected to mention side effects which were known to have occurred in relation to their recommendation. 

For the 160 recommendations that were randomized for evidence review, The Dr Oz Show recommended consulting a healthcare professional 9% (7/80) of the time compared with 33% (26/80) of the time on The Doctors.

So for example, on the Dr. Oz show 9 out of 10 recommendations were made with no explicit information regarding the possible harmful effects. Less than 1 out of those ten times was it recommended that someone seek further information or guidance from a healthcare professional.

This is a problem.

Televised medical talk shows—what they recommend and the evidence to support their recommendations: a prospective observational study

BMJ 2014; 349 doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1136/bmj.g7346 (Published 17 December 2014)

Korownyk Christina, Kolber Michael R, McCormackJames, Lam Vanessa, Overbo Kate, Cotton Candraet al. Televised medical talk shows—what they recommend and the evidence to support their recommendations: a prospective observational study BMJ 2014; 349:g7346

*provided by Kinja


I am describing My Person, first.

Yeah... here's the thing:
I get to choose how I refer to myself, and no one else gets to decide that for me. No one else gets to decide that it is "not appropriate" or "incorrect" or "insensitive" or what the hell ever other excuse that basically comes down to the fact that either that it makes them uncomfortable or might possibly start a conversation that some people would rather avoid.

So if:
My BMI is sky high, instead of saying I'm "curvy" or "real" or "large" or "big boned" I want to call myself "fat"?  I GET TO DO THAT. I don't have a problem with the word fat. Everyone else seems to have an issue with the word fat- as if skirting around it is something we need to do to avoid the reality that my ass is in fact bigger than a bread box. The assumption is that fat automatically carries these horribly tragic connotations for every single person in existence.
I'm not devastated if I state the reality of a situation. You don't get to tell me that I can't call myself fat because YOU can't figure this thing out.

So if:
Instead of saying "I am a person with bipolar" [so. many. words.] or "I have bipolar", I want to say "I am bipolar"? You don't get to tell me that I am supposed to use "person first language".

Because guess what? I'm a person, and that's the language *I* am using to describe myself. We are not Borg here. Clearly.  I describe my own experience. My own experience has been that if I was not bipolar I would not at all be the person I am today.

Meaning? I am bipolar. Not at all sorry if that is disruptive to your view of the universe. You don't have to incorporate it, you just need to respect it. Just as if you have been diagnosed with bipolar and would like to refer to that event as "having bipolar" as opposed to "being bipolar", I would respect that. Same thing goes with anything going on with my brain/body or your brain/body.

Slightly tangentially, but not really:
If think I look great, instead of saying "I don't look bad"? I'm going to say "I look great!"
Screw all of this crap where I'm supposed to suppress the feeling of confidence on the occasions I have it, lest someone possibly think I'm a terrible and conceited individual. Why are we continually told to suppress when we feel honestly good about ourselves if it is coming from within, but encouraged to seek approval from all these random people on the internet?

This is the absurdity of it: you are encouraged to have 3000 "friends" and get your self esteem from the number of "likes" given by these people you don't even really know. However, if you say anything positive about yourself, you are seen as narcissistic.

Screw it, I'm awesome.
I get to say that.

The fun thing is everyone else gets to say it too!
You can also say "I have awesomeness", if you want.

Really it's a personal decision in the end, and that's the point.




All of these resonate with me.

This one the most [lately]:
"40. If you want to be well-liked and approachable, make sure not to be confrontational have any opinions or let them be known."
Can we stop attacking people [see: females perhaps, but really everyone] for expressing what they need and being vocal about it? This is not the same as "picking a fight" "being a bitch" "enjoying confrontation" "being mean"... any of that crap.

This is a generalization by necessity, and I understand not everyone and not every situation reflects it:

But, the tendency when individuals recognized as male speak up and outline what they need and expect and where they draw the line is to view them as someone who is "upfront" and "direct" and generally somewhere along the lines of "open/honest". Stuff like "a straight shooter". Either neutral or positive.

Individuals recognized as female speak up and outline what they need and expect and where they draw the line [and often have to do it with a lot more smiles] and the tendency is to view them as "bossy" or "manipulative", "controlling" or "bitchy". "Selfish". They are viewed as people who want to pick a fight, who enjoy inciting conflict, "trouble makers" etc etc etc. They are viewed with skepticism in the very least but more often worse.

I'm not going to own that shit.
That is everyone else's shit.


This. Is. Wrong.

She is amazing.:

...I have had stalkers and restraining orders issued in the past, I have had people show up on my doorstep when my personal information was HARD to get. To have my location revealed to the world would give a entry point for a few mentally ill people who have fixated on me, and allow them to show up and make good on the kind of threats I’ve received that make me paranoid to walk around a convention alone. I haven’t been able to stomach the risk of being afraid to get out of my car in my own driveway because I’ve expressed an opinion that someone on the internet didn’t agree with.
I have allowed a handful of anonymous people censor me. They have forced me, out of fear, into seeing myself a potential victim.
And that makes me loathe not THEM, but MYSELF.
So I write this to urge any person, male or female, who now has the impulse to do what I did, to walk away from something they loved before, to NOT...
[felicia day] 

...This is awful:

In fact, Day was reportedly doxxed within an hour of writing her post on GamerGate. The immediate doxxing of female GamerGate critics, including Day, has been pointed to as an example of the sexism of the movement. Former NFL player Chris Kluwe, who wrote his own post calling GamerGaters “basement-dwelling, cheetos-huffing, poopsock-sniffing douchepistols,” said Day was only targeted because of her gender.
“None of you fucking #gamergate tools tried to dox me, even after I tore you a new one. I’m not even a tough target…Instead, you go after a woman who wrote why your movement concerns her,” Kluwe said onTwitter.
This needs to stop; it needed to a while ago.  I don't know what else to say right now.


Things just keep getting worser and worser...

...this is a "fuck you" entry.

"I think I still need that balance in my life; I want everyone to hate me as much as I hate just existing right now."

It's mental health awareness week.

I was going to write a thing here because it's a particular day of that week, but I can't finish it. Reason being? I feel so wretched and desperate at this point that I can't even explain the precise details in entirety of why I feel so wretched and desperate, involving all the ins, outs and stupidity. I'll try to write the best parts:

I have been 'certifiable' for a long time.

I have gone through a lot of Damn. Hard. Work. to deal with that, including working my butt off to deal with how to manage the huge personal resource suck it takes every day to deal with other people and how to have conversations with them, how to navigate things like public transportation, stores, sidewalks, daily "normal" activities, fake the normal, forget just general coping with mental shit other people take for granted. I have just hauled my ass back up onto the proverbial horse more times than I can count.

Even though during much of this time I physically felt like crap, it got to the point that I didn't realize how much energy it was taking every day just to get through and give the appearance i was functioning just like everyone else.

So i finally sort of get that down, and then my body goes to hell.

This has happened before though, and when this happens, i have gotten used to just accepting that whatever my symptoms are, they are fairly quickly glanced over, we do minimal lab tests and then the "she's a crazy person" button is pressed and I am given the whole "diagnosis of exclusion" deal- when really, they didn't exlude much, it's just that maybe my symptoms did not present to them a diganosis on a silver platter or maybe I don't scream and cry bloody murder if I am in pain, maybe I present a bit atypically [no way! how unexpected!], or any number of things. Regardless, easier to give any kind of random diagnosis that is typically misused and abused and often used for a chatchall but in my situation will even frequently not even fit my symptoms.

This time?


I have not gone through over a decade of school and personal bullshit, working my ass off scholastically, personally, mentally, emotionally- to have this plate of physical FUCK YOU handed to me, only to have doctors do the same thing. I'm not going to sit hear and accept the same bullshit that everything has been excluded when it clearly has not, so I can just carry on in this nonfunctional state and carry a diagnosis for something [which seemed unreasonable until I mentioned I was depressed-induced by THIS CONSTANT FUCKING PAIN] when I have actually already tried almost the ENTIRE list of treatments and all have had no effect or worse- up to disastrous consequences. I REFUSE to live the rest of my life unproductive, not having finished my degree, not able to work, on disability, because fucking doctors find it too much of a pain in the ass to keep looking for the needle in the hay stack or repeatedly fail to listen to my [really quite important and relavant] family history and symptom list.

no. no. no. no. AND NO.

And I also REFUSE to have to go to another health organization which will not take ALL of my insurances, which i have difficulty getting to, which does not work with my case manager, because half the things I say go "in one ear and out the other".

I am angry as fuck.

I am depressed as fuck.

I don't have the goddamn energy to contend with either right now so let's just all hope something changes.


I am a Delicata Squash.

I mean "a" as in a very specific one. It's in pieces in a few plastic grocery bags, all shoved into one grocery bag, which was then hastily jammed into the trash can in the kitchen.

This was after a very loud, very tearful, quite honest and also funny confession that I was extraordinarily depressed.

So depressed, I told my shocked roommate [who, though bad at hiding reaction, was actually taking it fairly well], that when I discovered the squash was rotting from the inside outward I started crying.

I saw the rotten insides of a squash and I started crying like a five year old missing their mother.

It wasn't really about the squash.

I get a produce delivery now and then because it can be difficult for me to go to the store .The produce delivery provides options that are so much better in variety and [usually] quality.  I was so excited about this squash. This delicata squash. I had never had one before.

Most of my other delivered produce was gone and I hadn't eaten much the past few days. I just wasn't that interested. I wasn't feeling up to making dinner but then I thought of the squash and I actually wanted to try.

I started thawing chicken and smelled one end of the squash. It smelled amazing- sort of sweet and buttery.

I started cutting it and then noticed toward the other end it  had a small bruise. I carved that bit out and kept cutting.

Then suddenly it was brown inside.
Clearly it was rotten, so I split it down the middle.

Most of it, no all- just completely ruined.

I was so mad, so frustrated. It wasn't just this squash- this promise of something, this ONE nice thing I had wanted.

This very simple thing had been able to motivate me into actually eating, and pushing through this damn desperation I have been feeling- past the horrible understanding of why people want to die all the time; past the idea that I will always be in pain; past the thought that I will never ever finish school or work again; that i will never be what I once was.

It was not just this one thing gone wrong, however.
It was that this very simple thing was me, too.

I am a delicata squash.  I am rotting from the inside out.

I am very seriously, very desperately depressed. I verge on the edge of suicidal fairly often but those around me have little to no idea. The reason being that I absolutely HAVE to laugh my way through life. If I did not I would simply make the leap straight into suicidal and beyond. I would be no more.

Very few people understand this. They can not comprehend how the idea of death can hang around ones head while watching Spongebob daily. They also don't understand that because I actually make it out of bed it does not mean it is easy and it does not mean I am "ok".

There is no winning- if I were to actually stay in bed, people would say that is the reason I am depressed. If I fight with all I have to get out of bed, take a shower, even do some damn productive thing? There is this assumption, even suspicion, that I am not actually depressed.

I have to say... that cuts so deep.

Every step, every breath, every blink can be a struggle. I find myself reaching far beyond that a lot of the time. If I didn't I would rot completely into goo. Maybe I'd disappear into the sliver between the sink and the counter. No one would ever find me.

Honestly I am reaching the end of my rope.

Pain piled on top of forced non-productivity on top of frustration on top of medication side effects [from meds that don't end up helping] on top of loss on top of sorrow- for what I used to be and what I'll likely never be again.

If things don't change soon I quite literally have no idea what I will do.
That is no kind of threat.
I simply don't know.

I don't know how to fix that.


...I am having difficulty describing it.

My boyfriend suggested I might actually experience synesthesia. His sister does and so he has heard her describe it before, and has therefore seen/heard other first person descriptions of it as well.

If I do, who cares?
There's no way to fix it so that I experience sensations normally. So that it's easier to describe types of pain or physical sensation; even if my neurologist said "mmm yes, I agree: synesthetic. [???word???]  Absolutely!", it wouldn't help anything.

It would give any random person who had just met me within the last 30 seconds something else about my lived experience to argue with me about though and that's probably the last thing I need.

...but I can try.


Sometimes [more and more often], my joints are like rocks or stones. They make a kind of wall- it reminds me of an ancient Incan structure but it just keeps going on.

It's more the surface than the structure, and there is to some extent a kind of very broad etching. One would have to stand back to see what it makes. There are bits of green.

My joints, when they hurt a certain way... they hurt like those stones look like they feel.

I didn't realize until very very recently... this is not the way most people experience things. I have been having a lot of trouble describing my sensations of pain- but that is nothing new. It has always been like that. The realization that not everyone has accompanying visuals-kinda came when I was having this conversation with my boyfriend about a few things that just... always have an image with them. [different for each pain, sensation].

It can be frustrating because often I talk about the pain sort of like I am talking about how the image might feel. I don't know if I knew this or not.

One in particular seems to really get to my rheumatologist- this "splintery" feeling I have in my feet and hands. She has a hard time understanding what that means, what I am trying to indicate by that; I often have a hard time explaining further, because I don't understand how she could not understand.

I may possibly understand that now.

The splintery feeling could be referencing when I picture the end of splintered wood. Like pieces of wood broken and splintered at the broken parts.

Those aren't the only things, but it's not like there is a "thing"...whatever... for every physical sensation. There are not a huge number of them.

...but am I supposed to know that's why I say that, why I use the word splintery or have other trouble describing physical stuff?

Is that even a reason why I would?
Isn't someone supposed to help me figure this out?
Is someone else supposed to figure that out?


Life is not fair. Duh.

I'm really fed up with everyone talking about how everything sucks and life is just one endless bag of misery and nothing ever gets better, turning to me with their big sad weepy eyes, looking for pity. Not for advice, or for anything to cheer them up, or for a different perspective. Just. Pity.

Sorry. Fresh out.

It's a big long tunnel, walls made of shit and shame. The only way to the end is to shuffle through the sewage of the everyday. Some people get rafts. Some people get goddamn party boats and we hate those people and we want to curse at them because HOW DARE THEY get a goddamn party boat.

"How dare they get the Barbie Malibu Party Cruise Ship when I am sludging along the shore, clinging to the dung wall of humanity, wearing fucking neon green Duck Dynasty castoff gaitors?"


Then you spot the one asshole floating on his back lazy river style, completely oblivious to the smell as well as the fact that both Ken and Barbie have margaritas in their hands. He also fails to notice the pitiful excuse for a raft slowly floating past him- the sad soul perched upon it looking as poorly put together as the mess of boards beneath his feet.

To add to your building resentment of anyone not currently wearing gaitors, his eyes do not even twitch in the general direction of you and your 80's waterproof jam pants.

Forget Barbie and her top heavy dream crew.



#WhyIStayed #WhyILeft #WhatToSay

I have been seeing lately, pretty much all over the place, various calls to action, personal accounts, cries of outrage in response to the latest ridiculous public event revolving around domestic abuse and a public figure. I had posted something from Upworthy, trying to make a point about what a lot of people don't realize about trying to leave abusive relationships: when people try to leave them, it can be extremely dangerous, and that's when the majority of domestic violence related murders occur.

After continuing to see much ignorance regarding domestic violence and harmful relationships, I posted something regarding my personal experience being in an abusive relationship- detailing as I understood it how it happened, how my reality became skewed, why I stayed in it so long, how I became alienated, how it became worse toward the end and even after we broke up.

A friend then asked:

What do you suggest for someone who believes their friend is in an abusive relationship?

I wanted to take my time thinking about this. There are so many things that we want to say should be done. In an ideal situation- as someone who loves the person who is being harmed, we might want to run in, white-knight fashion, tear them from the situation, even possibly kicking and screaming.

As someone who has been on both sides of the door, I can't say this is always going to be the best strategy.

I also want to say that I'm not any kind of authority and I would encourage anyone who is reading this here to please add to these ideas as they feel they can contribute in the comments.

1. Ask questions.
Ask how your friend/sibling/relative is feeling in general. Ask how work or school is. Ask how their partner's work or school is. Leave room for the idea that we DON'T always know what is going on in a relationship, but ask questions if you are concerned. Do so in a non-judgmental way.

2. Express concern for your loved one, not judgement of the partner.
If you are concerned about your friend or loved ones safety, welfare, health, happiness- focus on that. Try to steer away from focusing on criticism of the partner specifically. This sounds really difficult and it may sound like an odd thing to do.  The reasoning, in my mind, would be because at one point- and likely STILL- your loved one still cares for and loves the person who is being abusive. We can't explain why we love people. And we can feel ashamed and be very hard on ourselves for having feelings that we can't control and can't explain. It can be confusing to love people who hurt us- and we can even feel like we deserve to be hurt if we still have confusing feelings of attachment for someone like that [or even think we have those feelings].
Keeping the focus on concern for your friend can help to keep those feelings of shame and embarrassment and that they may deserve this treatment away from the conversation to some degree.

Possibly not as effective: "[He] hurts you." "[He] treats you badly." "[He] is keeping you from family and friends." "[He] is making you feel things that are untrue about yourself."

Maybe more effective: "You are being hurt." "You are being treated badly." "You are being kept from family and friends" "You are being made to feel things that are untrue about yourself."

3.Follow up with examples of what would be a positive relationship
It can be difficult to understand at a certain point what is actually a good and healthy relationship. For me, eventually I had to go through a logical process over and over and over about what is a healthy relationship- what is going on in my relationship, comparing the two, coming to the realization that no, people don't get slapped in healthy relationships. THIS SHOULD BE OBVIOUS... at some point it ceases to be obvious, because reality becomes that warped.  

[At some point in these conversations it may become very frustrating. Resist the urge to express frustration with yelling, short expressions of frustration or sarcasm, snide remarks. hug your loved one instead at these moments.]

Examples might be:
"You are being hurt. I saw you the other day and you said you fell down the stairs. Before this relationship you did not fall down the stairs so much. In healthy relationships, people do not fall down the stairs every couple of weeks. In healthy relationships, people love each other and hug each other. They don't physically hurt each other."

It can really depend on what your loved one tells you and endorses as to what is going on in their relationship- if they will only admit to falling down the stairs, I would say you can't push much further than that because they may feel betrayed, 

These are difficult conversations to have. They may become pissed off at first.
There may come a point where you DO feel you should tear them out of the situation.
I want to share the following first:

After I actually, officially, finally cut off my relationship, I went to a friends lakehouse for a few days. This was not any kind of strategy because I thought he would actually come after me- even after eveything had escalated toward the end of the relationship, even after trying to break up and doing this "kind of broken up thing" and things had gotten worse, it hadn't occurred to me that things might just continue to escalate.

But I happened to be out of town. And then the calls started. I was a few hours away, and very relieved and basically in another world, with my friends whom I hadn't seen in a long time. So I sort of laughed it off for some reason. They had started sort of benign. By the end of the weekend they were weird and desperate. I was still kind of laughing... kind of. But mostly because I didn't want to make a big deal about it, and no one knew what the relationship had been like.

By the time I got home they had escalated to threatening. That evening they were sexually, violently threatening and I was by myself in my apartment- and he knew where that was. So I called the police. They came over, and took a report. They suggested I get a restraining order. They also went to his house. Once they left my apartment I took off for the night and left town for a couple days. I moved out shortly after, but the timeline is a bit of a blur after that.

I really think that spending the time with my friends that weekend was a great contrast to the total absurdity of his threatening and harmful behavior. I did get a restraining order successfully and was occasionally worried about it. At this point I feel safe.

I shared that because it is very important that people leaving abusive relationships have a safe exit plan.

I want to share some recommendations for people who are thinking of leaving abusive and violent relationships:

Establishing preset signals with neighbors, friends, or family is an important feature of a safety plan. Signals might include an understanding with a neighbor that if they see flashing porch lights, hear loud noises, or a certain code word or phrase, they will know to contact the police for you. It may seem impossible to set up a support system that will respond to your appeal for help. You may be embarrassed to admit to the abuse and to ask for help. But we encourage you to explore your options.
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence

-Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked — for a quick escape.
-Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.
-Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline


Some final notes:

...many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
-The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender.
-The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1 in 4 women experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
1 in 4 gay men experience domestic violence.
17-45% of lesbian women report having been the victim of a least one act of physical violence perpetrated by a lesbian partner.
-Everyday Feminism
If the victim does leave the abusive relationship, never pass on information about his or her whereabouts to anyone.
US Department of Health and Human Services

[and what I have been trying to express...]
telling them what they’re experiencing and what they should do about it can further isolate the victim who may or may not be ready to confront their abuse. It is so important to let the victim determine the next steps, to make their own decisions and take back the power and control over their own lives. When we make decisions for others, when we try to help them do what they are not ready to do for themselves, we are taking their power and control away from them.


ASIAN TASK FORCE Against Domestic Violence [Massachusetts and New England]

VAWnet, The National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women [United States]

Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center [Americans overseas]

WOMEN'S AID [United Kingdom]

Please note: Comments may be left anonymously on this posting.


Frustration Tolerance at Zero.

I'm sort of losing any type of coping and managing skills or tools or any type of self-soothing techniques- anything you want to call whatever we manage to come up with to deal with the stupidity of the rest of the universe.

I have health issues which are not getting better. I'm still hanging onto the idea that they will. But believing that, and having other people tell me that, doesn't really help. At this point, it really just does not do much beyond make me realize that offing myself would be pretty illogical. It does not actually help me to cope in the moment all that much now. It used to, but the power of "this too shall pass" is really waning.

And it's getting more difficult to explain to my specialists what else is being affected. I'm... breaking down because I'm breaking down. The fact that I'm in pain 24/7 and it's starting to break me [though I tend to have a pretty high tolerance for pain] is making it so I have very little ability to tolerate nearly anything that is stimulating beyond what I normally expect. I'd eventually been able to figure out how to cope with or tolerate unexpected things, environmental and stimulatory discomfort to some degree for a certain period of time, expend a bit more energy to converse with people, be able to process and understand my environment more.

At this point, everything is just screwed. I have more and more problems talking and I just can't brush it off as "I'm tired" anymore. I'll try to start saying something and it's like I check out for a bit and i'm not sure what is going on with the sentence. Or I just can't continue half way through. I feel like verbally I only have access to half my vocabulary half the time. 

Auditory processing is just sucking way more than it ever has.

My startle reflex is absurd. 

I feel like I just have zero tolerance for frustration and this is the biggest thing. I have worked so much on figuring out how to not just flip the hell out at everything when encountering frustration or discomfort or the unexpected. I feel like I'm regressing to being a child and it's so so so upsetting. I can't find anyway to comfort myself and I'm also upset that there are so few people I can find comfort in dealing with this particular issue because not a lot of people understand. 

"just calm down". It's really akin to saying "just stop being conscious".

It takes so much effort to "just calm down". I can feel myself physically straining to do so. I recently threw up because I was struggling not to just flip out visibly because my computer was "being slow". If you flip out over something like that, no one is tolerant. 

...for reference, when I was younger, I didn't have "tantrums". I really think I went full on Chernobyl because I was legitimately upset [not because I was trying to manipulate a situation] and would do so until I passed out. This is what I remember.

That struggle has not gone away. The amount of frustration and the actual difficulty and inner response and turmoil I encounter due to environment and external situations has not actually improved. However, until relatively recently how I've been able to deal with the inner response, the inner turmoil, had

If you are struggling to not flip out as an adult, no one is supportive of you being upset and trying to manage how you are dealing with that upset- they don't have to understand it to be supportive- and very few even try to be because basically "get over it". So I got sick and got a headache because it was so overwhelming, at the age of 32, to not go all fucking Chernobyl over my computer slowing down.

I have an appointment with my rheumatologist tomorrow and it's hard to explain to her everything that is going on. Worse than that... I keep feeling like it's somehow my fault that the NSAIDS either don't work, or end up not working for long or [more likely] the pain is just getting worse so the dosages can't keep up. I'm still on prednisone and take the minimum. We tried stuff like hydroxycholorquine and I ended up just short of the ER [twice, because I wanted to give it one more go- "just incase" the first time was a fluke] from GI side effects so bad I was suffering severe dehydration.

But at the same time... it's like something SHOULD be working by now. In theory I'm "high functioning" supposedly to the point where the department of mental health won't "touch me with a ten foot pole" and I desperately need serious assistance at this point in all areas of my life.

There is a complex care team division of my health organization and I have now been referred three times over the past several months but no one will call me back. The awesomeness of this is that if I had the energy to be constantly chasing around people about my health care I wouldn't need a complex care team. *headdesk*

I feel like I am circling the drain. I need to make sure I make it to the damn appointment tomorrow, but I just keep being afraid before every appointment that I'm just going to be told "I'm not sure why you are feeling this way, it doesn't make sense"... possibly meaning there is nothing she can do, or maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion... even though we are looking to RA and lupus, because treatments for these things aren't working/are giving me really intolerable side effects. I seem to be getting worse but can't figure out why.

It becomes more complicated when I say that like, the pain in my hands, shoulders, everywhere interferes with stuff. But then she asks me if I can type, life things, etc.

Well... what do you mean by "can"?
I do those things. But they hurt. I do not do them nearly as often as I would if things didn't hurt. I do them because I have no choice. I don't live with my parents, or my boyfriend or any family members.

I can walk to the bus stop, shop at the grocery store and carry bags, make dinner and type and write out how I'm feeling... or these things can't and won't happen.

So then i don't get to appointments, I don't get food and eat it [and actually this is sometimes the case], I keep it all inside and feel even worse- like I'm going to explode. Sometimes I scream into my pillows.

I don't have a choice. But then people look at that and say I'm misrepresenting the situation.

I have no idea what I'm on about here.
I'm frustrated and afraid this is the rest of my life- um. That may, by some weird default be true... It isn't pain that is intolerable. It is THIS level of pain as a fairly constant element that is becoming intolerable. PLUS that i can't function much with it. Which means NEVER having money. Which means never eating well- which creates more problems, frustration, depression, unending medical bills. On and on and on.

At a certain point, it's like it isn't possible to just care yourself into wellness, no matter how "high functioning" other people want to classify you. That's not the reality of the situation.

This rant has been brought to you by:
"Apparently I can't speak coherently anymore. That's a new thing. Again.".


...did you get a look at the guy?

Ran across this and I'm tired, so I will share it here.
It is a recent post from

Mosaic of Minds - a blog by Emily Morson, "IU Bloomington Neuroscience/Cognitive Science PhD student who loves all things geeky, pretty, and thought-provoking. Braiiiiiiiins." the blog as a whole is pretty great which is why I'm urging everyone to please: read and share, read and share, read and share.

Post :: Want to learn how something works in psychology...?     
She doesn't go into much detail but what interested me was her mention of Greebles and similar items/creatures- little creatures/heads with face-type features that are used to study how individuals learn and process faces.

The Greebles refers to a category of novel objects used as stimuli in psychological studies of object and face recognition.
As someone who experiences prosopagnosia, I find this very interesting. I actually wonder if it would be more difficult for me to recognize the Greeble "faces" or less, or it would be about the same?
Please do read this entry on her blog and others, very interesting.

See also:

Becoming a “Greeble” Expert: Exploring Mechanisms for Face Recognition

Face Processing [Hole & Bourne] from University Press: online links

FaceLab from the University of Aberdeen


I kind of started crying in CVS

I say kind of because it's hard to like, have a good sob unless you are just full on hysterical.

It's like, you turn away from the magazines with Robin Williams on them and then you are looking at plastic grinning pumpkins, right across the aisle from the last remnants of insulated drink cups, cheap beach chairs, 5$ sun dresses. When I realized I should stop looking back and forth from the grinning pumpkins to Robin Williams, I happened upon the sparkling water display which was relatively low-key and managed to kind of gain my composure.

But what had set me off was Robin Williams. Only... not Robin Williams. What set me off, and I'm going to try to explain here, was so many of these things that hang out behind everything else in my head all the time.

I saw a picture of "older" Robin Williams next to his "younger" self. And he has really blue eyes... My best friend had a baby almost three months ago and I love him a lot. He has really blue eyes and I do too. That's probably never going to be me, with a baby. I've known this for a while- and it's not one thing. It's not any of the neuropsych stuff. There are a lot of physical health issues involved.

But there's that. There's that he was a "funny guy" and while I am no Robin Williams, I just have to use humour to deal with everything. With pain, heartache, sorrow, anger, angst, misery. Depression so deep and vast that I can't breathe- but I can make some sort of half-funny comment. Apparently.

There have been so many times that I talk to my best friend for over an hour and we talk about mundane stuff: "I need to get my hair cut" "I didn't sleep well last night"...but the reality might be that I had been struggling that whole week, but that day in particular with a whole lot of "life sucks" and needing to tell myself and really try to convince myself that even if only logically, killing myself probably isn't the way to go.

I'm typing this now and stuff really really hurts- my hands are hurting, but if I don't try to get it out... like I've been trying to for days and days, I don't know maybe I'll implode.

Robin Williams took his life on my birthday, and while I don't think that is any special sign or anything like that, it had an impact.

I am not sure I can even verbalize the impact it had.

I am generally a positive person. This is actually severely rejected in our society. So much so that I generally actually get less bullcrap thrown at me when I am depressed or pissy, then when I am productively positive. Considering I can't actually be on any antidepressants that are effective for my depression, and I'm bipolar, and winter is coming [again]? this is going to be fun.

I also have pretty bad OCD. I am on basically the minimum amount of medication I can be on for the OCD an be functional, because the meds tend to lower my seizure threshold.

I'm scared about winter coming, because I am scared of being cold all the time. My joints and most of my body is in pain to some degree and I am managing, somehow, to kind of maintain some sort of positive outlook [which is my predisposition, but still]. But that is sans anti-depressants, also sans blistering cold weather.

Lab test indicate that I am looking at RA and lupus right now, pretty likely. Also seizures which may or may not be controlled, and migraines which are unpredictable. The ~RA and ~lupus combine for a lot of fun stuff, and meds thus far are not effective.

Stuff really really really sucks.

I actually feel really alienated most of the time in most situations and just fake the hell out of it. It is exhausting when you can't understand what people are saying, you have to smile and nod and people EXPECT you to do this every time and if you have a problem it's you being a jerk.

I actually get perceived as a jerk a lot.
When you have like, no energy and personal resources though... you kind of can't mess around with giving what little you have to everyone else.

Which I've learned... but I've also learned that like, if you don't act a certain way, you are perceived as an A Hole. You can be kissing someones toes but if it is not while commenting on their toenail polish, you are rude.

I could go on and on. But I won't.

Ironically, this entire rant was prompted by the recurring feeling that I'm not actually supposed to say anything ever. Which is difficult when [like a lot of people on the autism spectrum, I think?] you have a really strong sense of "right/wrong; fair/unfair; kind/unkind, etc".

So then I get stuck in this thing where I don't think I'm supposed to say anything because it will upset people but then if i don't say anything it's not fair to OTHER people.

Then, no matter what, I'm an ass.


Always stick with your first answer.

A: Congratulations! You've won our at home version of "Auto-Immune Dysfunction Junction!".
The fascinating disabling ouroboros that other people like to insist you don't have!
B: As in time and space are both my bitches.  ...mmm, maybe it's the other way around.
C: My crazy is becoming less and less legitimate.
D: I'll take Derpression for "not really", Alex.

"I feel sorry for your children..."

I just watched this entire video [at the link. Please read the text before playing the video so you are aware there may be possibly be some triggering things in it for certain individuals.]

It makes my heart hurt.

I'm not sure why everything is necessarily seen through a lens of evil but it is so damaging.
I can't say anything more valuable than that right now, but thought it was important to share the link/video.

A dad took these photos...


Nature is cruel but we don't have to be [Temple Grandin]

[Please note: I had actually written this a year ago, but it was never on this blog]

Often when an individual is shy or awkward or finds it difficult to easily engage with others, the line of thinking often ends up at a stop called “Asperger’s”.

This is not a terribly far leap of logic, though the concept of Aspergers as a separate diagnosis entirely is no longer being recognized- at least officially in the United States and generally in Western countries which follow diagnostic criteria of the DSM.

With the introduction of the dsm5, all distinct diagnoses formerly falling under the autism spectrum have now been subsumed under the large umbrella of Autism, to be classified as a broad spectrum disorder… which seems to be a growing trend.

With all that said, I am actually autistic as opposed to having Asperger's. “High functioning” autistic, to be more precise- a term which is not used in a standard fashion and which can cause much misunderstanding. I was, however, diagnosed as such several years ago and this is not a case of Asperger’s being swept into the current DSM5 confusion.

While many diagnosticians would like to say- and often do say to save time- that the only true difference between Asperger’s and HFA [or High Functioning Autism] is that there is no language delay in Asperger’s, the truth is a bit more complicated.

While language delay is a very relevant factor, social difficulties seem to be more often a standout issue with Asperger’s while HFA will more often have a larger grab bag of issues. I will expound upon that shortly.

That I am autistic, I do feel I have some relevant commentary on the issue. Beyond that, I also did quite a bit of research into the possible manifested clinical differences between individuals diagnosed PDDNOS vs HFA vs Aspergers.

Someone said the other day that I don’t “look” autistic, because I did actually mention that I am autistic. They took one look at me and made the aforementioned comment.

I don’t seem to fit any of the strangely shaped boxes that people build for themselves and label “autism” (quite often before ever meeting someone who is autistic) so I end up defending my diagnosis instead of discussing my experiences as an autistic individual. To the point where I generally just tuck that part away inside me.

A little background for general info, so you [ as the reader] can decide whether my experience may be relevant in your view: I was not diagnosed as a young child, but I have been diagnosed and had it confirmed several times based on the results of neuropsychological testing, psychological, academic and medical reports as well as personal reports and reports of those familiar with me. All of these records [neuropsych testing, psych, school and health records, as well as parental and personal reports] date back to when I was about four or five to the most recent testing.

Including those making and confirming the diagnosed are a well known and respected professional psychiatrist in the field [no I don't name drop so as always, make the decision for yourself whether what I say is legit or not] and a very prominent hospital. It is not particularly important to me that I be a poster child for autism.

What is relevant to me are some of the challenges that are associated with it, that are not restricted to social issues. That is a common misconception.

My experience though:
***I have problems with recognizing and recalling faces. If I know you for years, this is not so much a problem, but if you get a drastic hair cut or color change, you should talk to me as you approach me because I will recognize your voice much easier than your face. I’ve learned though, to pay attention if someone has a distinctive walk or a favorite hat or unique piece of jewelry. If someone approaches me in a generic setting- like a grocery store- I don’t usually have a context for how I know them. They could be my neighbor, a coworker, a fellow student. If all they say is “hi” and give me an expectant smile… there is high potential for panic, upset and insult. You can try to work around that, but sometimes you just piss people off. If it is an important academic or similar contact, you can potentially REALLY screw up. But, oh well? Ha.

***I didn’t talk really until I was closer to four than three. I think that, combined with all the extra stuff involved in having an auditory conversation (tone of voice, pushing, turn taking, interpretation of tone, sighing, coughing, little indescribable noises…), PLUS a bit [ok more than a bit at this point] of auditory processing messiness that can be common with autism makes spoken communication a bit more challenging. Even more, I suspect, than it might be for the average person. There is often an ebb and flow that I might not have the hang of. I can miss pertinent information. Other people are intuitive in a conversation,I have to be analytical and it is DAMN EXHAUSTING. Sometimes when I say things I forget to attach all the appropriate bells and whistles that make it easier for other people to hear, but are often nnecessary for me. That has variable results. Because of this, by contrast my written communication seems to excel.

***Visually, I can have difficulty interpreting my environment. I don’t always see a picture as a whole scene. It just looks like different things and I can’t gather the meaning through a connected context.
If you saw a bunch of beige string in a five year olds hands, she was sitting on a picnic table, there was glue and scissors and art supplies around… You would know it was beige string. My brain will not always piece together context clues.sometimes I wonder why a little girl is sitting in a park on a hot summer day laughing and hold a handful of spaghetti. It can be disorienting.

***change is difficult. I don’t mean inconvenient. I mean, inside, it can be downright traumatic. But it’s not ok for a 31 year old to throw a total meltdown tantrum in a store because they stopped carrying the only conditioner I’ve used for the past five years- in fact no one carries it, because it has been discontinued. I’ll get the cops called on me. I’ve had to train myself to in the very least freeze that nonsensical turmoil, that is almost a primitive reaction, and try to find some kind of soothing safe space or activity or something. It’s upsetting. And it’s upsetting that it is upsetting. I feel I’m a reasonable person and then inside of me flips like a five year old in a candy shop? It’s pretty awful.

***As with change, new things are difficult. They strike right at the heart of everything that scares the crap out of me.

***It is better now, but for a while I had quite an uneven profile of ability. ...and I guess, I mean "better" is relative. My activities of daily living were pretty pathetic. I had no ability to clean or organize my room- it was not for lack of trying. My brain literally could not provide me the skills to do so. I couldn’t especially cook, I was afraid of using frying pans (I actually wrote a post about that), there were a lot of things that people take for granted, so I was never explained how to do them. So I couldn’t cook myself dinner but would be writing research papers on like, the cellular lever of a neurological disorder… and that is very typical of moderate to high functioning autism.

***I have had a history of fine and gross motor control retardation- it matured slowly, and is now not really as much an issue. I do think there are some coordinated activities that I have to put more conscious effort into, though and my dexterity may be a bit lacking with some things. But again, this is not unusual for those with autism. It likely accounts for a lot of the general “awkward” discussion surrounding aspergers and autism but I think there is misconception regarding what the awkward terminology actually refers to.

***it took me a long time to emotionally mature and this was very very obvious. I didn’t really feel very ready to understand and handle particularly serious romantic relationships until I was maybe 26 or older, and yet found myself in them, which was a bit difficult.

***structure in life generally and in schedule as well as executive functioning are also abilities which have been a long time coming and things which have necessitated at least partially active effort to improve upon.

So while social dysfunction and difficulty is certainly a part of it, and by necessity comes into play because of other aspects… it is not the whole syndrome. Or most of it.

In some cases, very severe social anxiety may be mistaken for being somewhere on the autism spectrum.

There is also a saying: if you have met one person with autism… You have met one person with autism.


Commentary on OLD NEWS: aerie ad campaign aimed at "real women": metapicture, facebook commentary and a sophomore journalism major who has a thing or two to say about it.

[Jeez. Could I put anymore key words in that title? I'm sure I could. Suggestions welcome.]

Where to start?

There's all this talk of "real beauty". Accept yourself, accept your body, don't be objectified, be more than your body... but oh yeah if you are buying lingerie also expect the lingerie company to advertise to you in a way that respects and celebrates inner beauty.

What. The. Fuck.

Who the hell buys lingerie, or even plain old granny panties, for that matter, to further their journey on the path to become a better person?

...how does one sell lingerie with inner beauty?  Could we see some mock ups of that ad please?

Just saying.

I'm coming back.



I am kind of just trying to deal with this whole... connective tissue disorder thing that I've been handed. I think, like... for many similar situations, I would see a second opinion, or really be thinking that my prognosis is likely in the group of the more positive outlooks, or... a lot of things.

I'm generally pretty positive, but also in a very realistic way. It never has done me any good to pretend things are something other than they actually are.
Given the progression of my symptoms to now, the opinions of my GP and rheumatologist, other health professionals, people with similar personal experience, and my gut instinct, pretty much- eh... the diagnosis is really just confirmation of some stuff I already know, but like... introduction to "yeah, stuff isn't great, you knew that, but it's official, yeah it's progressing, it'll probably get worse. so YAY!"

So now I'm pissed off.
I'm having a lot of anger.

like a LOT.
My health has deteriorated in a crazy way the past several months and our first real shot at a pretty standard treatment [typical lupus/RA treatment] was edging on catastrophic failure. The pain symptoms as well as fatigue, inflammation... well, all kinds of stuff, are just now all in an uproar.

I'm bummed out, I'm stressed. i feel like I can't predict anything, even what direction my symptoms are going.

Im just randomly unpredictably pissed OFF. I'm tyring to just deal with it with a hefty dose of humor. It's helping.

I have a past history of impulsive anger and I had worked very hard, actively put a lot of effort into really examining my responses and actions regarding that kind of behavior.

I'm upset that I'm experiencing this kind of thing, and worried about my future.
I'm scared too, because I' feel like I've been struggling for so long- really like almost a decade and a half at this point- with SO MUCH STUFF, constantly working to just get on a basic functional level. This is one more thing and I'm just running out of Try Again Fuel.

I don't feel crazy or unstable really. I think that is a risk, and I've expressed that.

But I feel ok in terms of mental stability, just really stressed and angry.

But I feel, I think, a full gammit of reasonable emotions besides that.

I just... I'm running out of the I WANT TO TRY.
I'm going to be 32 in a few months.
And like.. if I don't see any kind of improvement or hope of improvement, I'm kind of worried as to what my brain is going to make of that?

And not's not any kind of dramatic, or even desperate statement.
That's just like... I've put serious effort into improving my life... for HALF OF MY LIFE, been giving repeated set backs and seriously attempted to overcome them- goals that have been several years long, and often acheived them.

Some of these goals have had very little immediate results and I've actually gone through a lot of freakin' heartache over them, but I have worked hard for me.

Not that like, life sucks, but I put a lot of effort into stuff.

In the past several months, my life has completely changed.
If i see no evidence that it can change back, or change somewhat to something I can deal with...

I don't really know what my brain will do with that information.
And that is just a fact.

I'm experiencing a lot of this logically.
I'm not like a totally emotionaly hysterical wreck, that is to say.


...hi Russia?

I don't know anyone in Russia, let alone several anyones.

If you want to be a successful stalker, maybe use a more reasonable proxy from one general location, or at least a bunch from the US [I am in the US]... it's much more believable.