4.27.2007

Everything. Nothing. Future. Past.

I just want to start over. Everything is just so fucked up. I have no job, no friends, I just crashed a car. There's no one to just hang out with. Any plans I make just don't seem realistic. I think about myself ten years from now and I see ...nothing. There's nothing there. I'm still jobless, friendless, hopeless. A big fucking mess.

I'm taking a class this summer but I just don't see what good it is going to do. Graduating, if I make it, isn't going to change what is wrong with me. I can't take care of myself and I randomly cry and I am scared of life. I freak out when presented with anything or anyone unknown to me and I feel totally inhibited.

I've completely lost myself. I don't know where I went but the more time goes by the worse it gets and the more I really think that I'm just not coming back. I used to have an apartment and a job and go to school. Things didn't used to scare me. I used to be able to get gas at a different gas station or go grocery shopping. Now it's this terrible struggle.

My relationship is suffering. I have no independence so there is no privacy. No alone time, really. I'm twenty-four and I can't sleep over with my boyfriend anymore. It's just wrong. He has to stay in the guest room and it's just awkward and stupid and makes me feel like a little kid.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what is going to become of me. I still can't laugh at things a lot of the time without feeling fake. I don't get jokes. I see everyone laughing so much and I don't understand why I'm not laughing at things like they are. I can't think of things to talk about. I'm getting exhausted.

I just want to start over.

4.15.2007

Acting.

The past few days have been really intense.
I have had quite a few people comment that I am quieter than I have been before. It's sort of hard to explain why only because it isn't one nice, neat answer.
It's because of depression. But that isn't the answer. Depression is sneaky. It can make you seem anxious or cold or awkward. Or all of the above.
I'm in a play and it's been really hard. I realized how I was acting around everyone. That everyone else could laugh so easily. I just couldn't. I feel like I have no sense of humour. Which is just so wrong. I have a great sense of humour. I usually get the giggles quite easily. For some reason, they just won't come anymore. I don't react to jokes or funny situations and when I do, it can feel forced.

It makes me sad- which I can feel as distinct from being depressed, yes.

I say "I'm depressed" now, but it has just become something that I say. A thing to describe my state of being that doesn't mean anything more than "I'm tall" in that I don't think about it that often and how it affects my life. I'm just realizing that I am depressed all over again, though. And what it is doing to me and what it is doing to my life.

It's taking away joy and confidence and warmth and cleverness and grace and whatever else I usually have.
Someone spent 20 minutes talking to me tonight about how I have such potential. In general. Just a general potential. That I am beautiful and young and have done interesting things in my life and that people [specifically people in the cast] like me and that it's all about attitude because I am interesting and smart and blah blah blah.

...good lord.
I just wanted to stand on a table and shout to everyone who has been commenting to me, worried or whatever they are, that "Hi. I'm trying. I'm depressed and it's a miracle I'm doing this damn play and stuck with it"
But... you can't do that. So I have to tell people that I am stressed or something. I don't know. I feel like my life has been taken away and I have been taken away.
I am not who I am.
It eats me up.

4.10.2007

Flagpole.

I'm so sick of being paranoid.
I'm paranoid about a lot of things. It's hard to admit this.

That people are talking about me, definitely. That people are looking for me. That a car is following me. Some random person or the police.

Paranoia. It's not just a hobby.

Paranoia Paranoia everybody's comin' to get me.
No really. A small part of me thinks they are. For some reason.
It's stupid and I know it but it won't go away. I can't force myself to believe the thoughts are 100% wrong.
 It's embarrassing.

From what I've read and who I've talked to, this is a part of bipolar. And not necessarily while in an "episode". Bipolars tend to be a little more paranoid. It's a problem that plagues.
Will it always have to be like this?

4.06.2007

Shoot, I can't believe I thought that was cool.

I feel disconnected from people in general.

The show I'm in is going up this weak and I have a sense of relief about it all. It's all almost over. It ended up being something that I wasn't particularly looking forward to. Not that it's torture or anything... but I haven't really enjoyed it all that much. It's been stressful. I don't know if it's because of the particular show or because it's such a huge cast and maybe I feel a little lost in it or what. I know last year, while I wasn't exactly excited to go to rehearsal and it was also stressful, at least there were times it was sort of fun and silly. This year... not so much. Sort of blah.

I'm making cookies for show snacks. I don't know why. I have no idea why I said I would do this. I do things like this a lot. I just say I'm going to do something. Like, oh, a play. Or, on a larger scale, go to Africa. [Which I did in fact end up doing.]

I just randomly bust out with stuff and then it's like I have to do it. Like the play... why didn't I just not do it when I realized it wasn't exactly my thing this year? Who knows? WHY DID I COMMIT TO COOKIES?

It's the bipolarness. It loves doing random shit. It's the bipolar that thought it would be a good idea at around midnight to drive across a few states to go see a friend. [I didn't make it. I wound up with a messy migraine and got ass backwards lost on the way to get my boyfriend.]

The problem is that I realize this now, but it still doesn't stop me from doing a lot of things. I may seemed to have quieted down but I think I am just lacking a certain amount of imagination and motivation recently. Not that I am any better at understanding that something is not a good idea or, to put it better- that I should think about things more. I try to think about them. I really do. I thought about doing the play and I thought about that road trip. Didn't help at all.

It's like once I get an idea it is instantaneously seared into my brain and it will come up again and again until I do something about it.

It's not exactly self-control issues. It's like uncontrollable decision making censorship... impairment. something.

4.05.2007

Screwing up and freaking out.

I'm totally freaking out.

I just read the New York Times article on kids with mental illness going to college. I'm going to go back to school this summer, starting with just one class and I am totally freaking out. I'm scared that I am just going to completely fuck everything up. There really isn't much reason to feel this way. So I don't know why I do. Well, there is the fact that my current GPA is horribly bad. Like terribly horribly bad. There are some bright spots though. Some.

I don't necessarily think I will mess up and everything will be a disaster. I just know that there is a possibility and it makes my stomach feel all knotty and uncomfortable and is kind of making me shaky right now.

Does that mean I'm not ready?

I don't know. It might just mean I'm a big fucking chicken. I mean, I have to go back at some point. Now or three years from now there is still going to be that first class that I have to take.
It also brought up the whole "Why the fuck wasn't I diagnosed/in appropriate treatment while I was still in school?" thing again. Hi, I was DX'd with depression when I was nine and then I feel like there really wasn't enough follow up on that.

I feel really overwhelmed.
And pissy.

4.01.2007

Non-acceptance.

I don't really have any friends and it really pisses me off. There are people who I call my friends but they aren't close and I never see them.
I have no idea how to make them. I don't remember making friends, just that I used to have them.
And what is stupid is that people seem surprised that I have no friends. That's just annoying.

One of my "friends" never called me back and that just doesn't happen.
He's one of the only people that lives within an hour driving distance and he told me to call him.
I feel really left out of life.

And I'm still battling my medication. I'm taking it, but it seems stupid. And therapy seems stupid. Every aspect of me being bipolar and treating it seems stupid. I was happier totally fucked up. It's a lie, but barely.
I have passed into this entire phase of non-acceptance, it seems.
Wonder-fucking-ful.