6.26.2007

There was a clue tonight on Jeopardy about bipolar disorder. I was watching with my mother and father. The answer was obvious but it was like no one was supposed to actually know about it. No one answered until the last second.

It was very very awkward.

6.24.2007

"Compulsive."

My therapist told me I was compulsive the other day.  I half nodded in half agreement though I was only half certain I agreed at the time.  It made me feel wrong.

Compulsive.  It sounds like a medical procedure.

I tend to think I'm a little obsessive and I bet she thinks this too though she hasn't said it.  Though don't you necessarily have to be a little obsessive to be compulsive but not the other way around?

Back to the... COMPULSIVE.  We were discussing class and what I do to study.  I take notes. I rewrite them at home.  I go over the study guide he gives us and write answers to that, then rewrite that because I can't think and write at the same time.  I have two notebooks for this class. One is the messy one, the other one is legible.  I do the homework. I read the chapter a couple of times and I highlight it and go through and skim all the highlighted parts. I watch this cd-rom that comes with the book because there are a couple of things in it that are maybe helpful. The book [i]says[/i] you should study three hours for every hour you are in class.

So she said that I am a little compulsive about things.  I still only half agree.  Because there are many many things that I am not compulsive about.  Not regularly anyway.  I also feel like I have to study like that because just looking over things doesn't help.

There are so many times when I could be compulsive and I'm just not. Like about the bathroom.  I haven't gone nuts and scrubbed the bathroom like crazy for a while. Probably because there is no one else driving me nuts about it. [But damn did it need it.]

My mother wants me to call my doctor about the meds not working well enough.  She thinks that how I am acting/reacting isn't worth how little benefit I am getting from them. Plus he'll be away for a month.
I don't know who's covering for him. I don't want to call.

Speaking of doctors.
My doctor [same one] had to fill out a form for insurance and one of the questions was "In your professional opinion, will this person ever be capable of self-support?"

He answered no.

...well we should throw a fucking ticker tape parade, huh?

6.16.2007

Worrying

My father's birthday was today.  A lot of the night I could only think about how he's going to die and think about how he could die soon and of him dying of a heart attack [something I was convinced he was experiencing earlier this week] and it sucked.  Who thinks that on their dad's birthday? I mean, the guy's only 55.

I'm constantly worrying about everything and I can't stop.  When my mother took a dish out of the oven, my mind quickly convinced me she was going to drop it and it would spill all over the floor.  When I drive out of my driveway I am convinced I am going to run over the dog.  On my way to Planned Parenthood the other day I was certain someone was going to come in and shoot up the place.

These things enter my mind all the time. From spilling a drink to a horrible car accident, my mind is convinced Something Bad Will Happen.  And it won't let go of the thoughts.  I wrote about this a little bit in another post, but I also worry about saying the wrong thing, so I don't talk as much as I'd like to or as much as I used to.  A lot of times I over think what I am going to say and repeat it in my mind, afraid I am going to speak incorrectly or say the wrong name or just the Wrong Thing.  Maybe something bad even.  Maybe scream at someone.

I'm getting more and more anxious about my psychiatrist appointment. I'm worried that I won't be able to get through how much anxiety effects my life.  It's something that I've been thinking and talking a lot about lately because I really need to do something about it.  But we haven't really addressed it before.  So I guess I am worried that it won't be considered important.

I wish I could explain things like a normal person  I think I just keep writing the same stuff over and over and it all sounds the same. Maybe it's therapeutic somehow.

6.15.2007

worry... why do I let myself worry...

My father's birthday was today. A lot of the night I could only think about how he's going to die and think about how he could die soon and of him dying of a heart attack [something I was convinced he was experiencing earlier this week] and it sucked. Who thinks that on their dad's birthday? I mean, the guy's only 55.

I'm constantly worrying about everything and I can't stop. When my mother took a dish out of the oven, my mind quickly convinced me she was going to drop it and it would spill all over the floor. When I drive out of my driveway I am convinced I am going to run over the dog. On my way to Planned Parenthood the other day I was certain someone was going to come in and shoot up the place.

These things enter my mind all the time. From spilling a drink to a horrible car accident, my mind is convinced Something Bad Will Happen. And it won't let go of the thoughts. I wrote about this a little bit in another post, but I also worry about saying the wrong thing, so I don't talk as much as I'd like to or as much as I used to. A lot of times I over think what I am going to say and repeat it in my mind, afraid I am going to speak incorrectly or say the wrong name or just the Wrong Thing. Maybe something bad even. Maybe scream at someone.

I'm getting more and more anxious about my psychiatrist appointment. I'm worried that I won't be able to get through how much anxiety effects my life. It's something that I've been thinking and talking a lot about lately because I really need to do something about it. But we haven't really addressed it before. So I guess I am worried that it won't be considered important.

I wish I could explain things like a normal person I think I just keep writing the same stuff over and over and it all sounds the same. Maybe it's therapeutic somehow.

I feel like I am so annoying.
I don't know what to write how anymore.

BLAH BLAH BLAH OH MY GOD.

6.11.2007

[i want]

I want to not take my meds and I want to go out drinking all the time or fuck it stay home and get trashed and not worry that I'm an alcoholic because I'm drinking more than a couple times a year. And I want to smoke some pot and I want my bowl back so I can color it and then eventually scrape it and do it all over again. I want this horrible anxiety to go away and I want to not think of all of these bad things, like dying or hurting people or saying the wrong things, all of the time. I want to run off and spend all of my money and chop off all of my hair and not worry about it. I want to go to Bonnaroo and be a hippie freak. I want to not give a fuck.

Then maybe all of this badness will go away.

6.10.2007

melatonin.

I started taking melatonin two days ago but I think it's probably a bust. I get sleepy, more than tired, when I go to bed but I can't tell if it's making me pissy or not. Which isn't a good thing. It could, of course, just be that I am not getting much sleep and am attributing it to the melatonin.

When i tried to take Rozerem it made me very not happy and I stopped taking it immediately. I was more than pissy. I got so aggravated with someone at a restaurant who was obnoxious and talking on their cellphone that I was all shaky. But I want to try it again. I think it might help and maybe now it would be ok.

I have my chemistry class tomorrow. Our first quiz is at the end of class and I have run out of ways to study. I need to study some more but I don't know how to. I need to do well on this quiz and in this class. My guts are starting to hurt thinking about it and I sort of feel like crying.

Anxiety much?

I feel all pressured.  I really want to get an A. But I don't think that's going to happen. If I get a B, my parents will be ok with it but I really really won't be. I'll try to be and pretend it's ok, but it won't be. And this is a problem because I can't do this for two months. I don't know what to call it exactly but I feel really stressed. I know it is unreasonably stressed. I'm not a stupid person; I shouldn't do poorly on the quiz but I am sort of freaking out anyway.

Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim. Sink or swim.