I could go through the list of stuff that I ate but I know two things simultaneously:
1)I ate too much and I'm gross for doing it.
2)I really didn't eat too much at all and probably should have eaten more.
How one's brain can pull this sort of shit is a mystery to me. I never understood it and probably never will. It's almost, but not quite, doublethink. In doublethink you must be able to be unaware you are doing such a thing. I am fully aware of it yet powerless to stop it. With doublethink, one consciously [and sort of unconsciously] directs the process. [Wait, but how are you unaware of it? Yeah.] I would will it to go away.
Staring at a white wall and calling it black, knowing it is white, yet not letting yourself know you know must be exhausting [and still not letting yourself know that you are not letting yourself know...] and I don't doubt some people attempt this.
I just want to feel ok. All I can think is that this non-doublethink thought process is some sort of survival instinct all twisted up. Some way to blend in as camouflage? Be a tree. No, really BE a tree. [But I'm not a tree. But I am so this predator doesn't eat me.] It's sort of a stretch.
Well how does that come back to "I'm a heifer, no I'm not"?
Hope I have that doublethink shit down straight.