I have these thoughts.
Thoughts of dying.

I don't know how seriously to take them because I always seem to be having "thoughts". Of dying. Of living. Of driving into a tree. Of my mother falling down the stairs and breaking her neck. Of being followed to my car, brutalized, raped.

Just... thoughts.

I realize these aren't normal. Natural, healthy, sane.

But there are times when I can have these thoughts, constantly, and pretend to be normal- to some degree at least.

I don't know how to judge what point it is that I should take them seriously.

When they are a whisper: a ghost floating across my vision...
A stepping of boots on the floor above clomp clomp clomp
A rap-tap-tap at my fucking chamber door?

I don't know.


Little Miss Sunshine.

My therapist decided I am probably hypomanic.

As I described what was going on and how I was feeling, she said "well, that sounds like hypomanic to me..."

Maybe she's right?

I'm doing more, being "creative" [suddenly, more so than I have been in at least a couple of years], having more energy that has nowhere to go in this weird form of anxiety, and writing, writing, writing. I have lot of ideas. 
Only I'm not really out of control. And it's not obvious that I'm hypomanic. I'm not able to look at myself and say "yeah, I'm hypomanic", which I usually can do.

When I went into her office I was so anxious I almost cried. At some point my mood did a complete turnaround and I was chatty, outgoing, laughing, even bubbly.

It was weird. Especially given that immediately after the anxiety dissipated I felt tired for a few minutes. But then all of the sudden BAM! Little Miss Sunshine.

She said she thought I was somehow managing the symptoms well, though. 
Which she thought was a good thing. 
Because it is being mindful of what's going on. 
Or some crap like that. I don't remember exactly what she said.

I see the doctor on Monday. So.



Clear as mud.

I have this new anxiety. That my new doctor is going to just say "well, this is as good as it gets".

And, well... fuck that.
I realize there is probably a place where I'm going to have to settle, but this really isn't it.

I picked up my psych records so I can give them to whoever my new doctor will be.
And yes of course I started reading them.

It's odd.
At one point, a long time ago, I had a DX of "Mixed Personality Disorder" with avoidant, dependant and maybe schizoid features.

But it was only mentioned that one time. From this Psych RN who just had no idea about what to do with me. 
Then everyone started saying I had asperger's or HFA.

And it's really hard to explain this so I hope I don't come off sounding like a complete jackass. I probably will.

It makes me feel a little relieved. Because I sort of felt in a way that I was faking in some way until I read all that. I feel that about a lot of things.

At one point I had a friend who placed a lot of importance on having an ASD diagnosis... in her mind, ASD=good person or even "better" person. Which is really screwed up.

And... yeah so when we had a falling out, suddenly I wasn't on the spectrum [according to her] and was a BAD PERSON [again according to her]. [In addition, I was also borderline and manipulative and a liar also. And used "borderline tricks". Or something. I don't even know what that means. No offense intended to borderlines. Just... what happened.]

It sounds so stupid but people can be manipulative and really really confusing. Not to make excuses, but I don't understand a lot of things that people do and in certain circumstances I'm easily taken advantage of. Which... can be a common thing.

So, to have all these doctors refer to me as having asperger's/HFA it clears up the confusion and makes me feel less like I'm faking. And more like I really know what's going on.

I guess. It's still hard for me to explain.



I've been known to randomly bust out with a quote from a movie or song for no particular reason. But lately I've been doing it more and more. And it's been less and less relevant to anything at all.

I'm also becoming even more sensitive to noises and touches and such and mixing up my words a lot.

I also have this thing where I need reference for things I see. Like one time I saw a bunch of white petals on the road, but I didn't see the tree they had fallen from and my mind thought they were teeth. Another time [on the beach, recently], I saw a blanket all rolled up with a pattern on it but I didn't see people on it or near it or any stuff near it. There were seagulls around it and my brain interpreted it as something that washed up on shore.

I wouldn't think any of this might possibly be significant in any way if I didn't actually keep close tabs on my behavior and how my brain seems to work.

But I'm crazy, too.
There is that.