9.11.2008

Clear as mud.

I have this new anxiety. That my new doctor is going to just say "well, this is as good as it gets".

And, well... fuck that.
I realize there is probably a place where I'm going to have to settle, but this really isn't it.


I picked up my psych records so I can give them to whoever my new doctor will be.
And yes of course I started reading them.

It's odd.
At one point, a long time ago, I had a DX of "Mixed Personality Disorder" with avoidant, dependant and maybe schizoid features.

But it was only mentioned that one time. From this Psych RN who just had no idea about what to do with me. 
Then everyone started saying I had asperger's or HFA.

And it's really hard to explain this so I hope I don't come off sounding like a complete jackass. I probably will.

It makes me feel a little relieved. Because I sort of felt in a way that I was faking in some way until I read all that. I feel that about a lot of things.

At one point I had a friend who placed a lot of importance on having an ASD diagnosis... in her mind, ASD=good person or even "better" person. Which is really screwed up.

And... yeah so when we had a falling out, suddenly I wasn't on the spectrum [according to her] and was a BAD PERSON [again according to her]. [In addition, I was also borderline and manipulative and a liar also. And used "borderline tricks". Or something. I don't even know what that means. No offense intended to borderlines. Just... what happened.]

It sounds so stupid but people can be manipulative and really really confusing. Not to make excuses, but I don't understand a lot of things that people do and in certain circumstances I'm easily taken advantage of. Which... can be a common thing.

So, to have all these doctors refer to me as having asperger's/HFA it clears up the confusion and makes me feel less like I'm faking. And more like I really know what's going on.

I guess. It's still hard for me to explain.

9.06.2008

Insignificant.

I've been known to randomly bust out with a quote from a movie or song for no particular reason. But lately I've been doing it more and more. And it's been less and less relevant to anything at all.

I'm also becoming even more sensitive to noises and touches and such and mixing up my words a lot.

I also have this thing where I need reference for things I see. Like one time I saw a bunch of white petals on the road, but I didn't see the tree they had fallen from and my mind thought they were teeth. Another time [on the beach, recently], I saw a blanket all rolled up with a pattern on it but I didn't see people on it or near it or any stuff near it. There were seagulls around it and my brain interpreted it as something that washed up on shore.

I wouldn't think any of this might possibly be significant in any way if I didn't actually keep close tabs on my behavior and how my brain seems to work.

But I'm crazy, too.
There is that.