12.21.2009

Memory...?


I think I busted up my brain. Blew a fuse. Something.

My memory, in general, is totally fucked.

It happened so quickly, and the occurrences are so striking, that it's actually worrying me quite a bit.

I am forgetting people's names, dates, events that I then realize I had just recently been thinking about. Conversations, words, have trouble visualizing directions.
I sometimes can't remember what I just did, was going to do, was thinking. [now this happens to a lot of people. but the frequency of "sometimes" is a big, noticeable notch up from "rarely", which would be normal. Sometimes meaning a few times a week. No, that's not normal.]

A lot of the time it's not on the tip of my tongue or stuck in there somewhere. It's like it never was there to begin with.

I've gone through periods of memory fuckery, but this is by far the worst.

There's a nagging worry that I'm in a fluctuating hypomanic episode and frying my brain.
But surely I would be more fucked up?

I have at this point completely stopped taking my lithium.
I keep meaning to start again but I'm scared.

And I feel like a really bad person.
And I can't call my doctor because he's gone for a month.

And there's no one around because he's an independent guy.

I feel like a failure.
I can't even get myself to swallow some pills.

10.02.2009

passive-aggressive?


What the fuck does passive aggressive mean?

I don't think I get it.
Is it when you don't directly address someone?

Because I get accused of it sometimes and I don't understand. I think people accuse me of it when they don't know how the fuck to deal with however the hell I'm dealing with them.

"So, I'm going to tell you exactly what I think of you in a calm unhysterical way."
"Stop being passive aggressive!"
"...huh?"

Uh anyway.
I think this misunderstanding may get me into even more trouble than I normally would by just being a pain in the ass becuse people don't like to feel they are being fucked with.

I think when people think passive aggressive the big I'm Being Fucked With light comes on.



jjjThe term actually has a pretty interesting history.
It was originally an Army term.

If it's being used in a non-clinical setting, it's probably being used inappropriately.

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2453/what-is-passive-aggressivejjj

3.15.2009

Conversations in Stupid [RE: touchy-feely auties]

Person A: If you are looking for emotional closeness in this relationship you will be disappointed.

Person B: Wait- is that because of the Asperger's factor?

Person A: Definitely a consequence of our different thinking. I'm not suggesting people with AS can't have moments of emotional closeness. Not in the way NT female would expect. My way of showing how I care for my wife is ironing the clothes, mowing the lawns or something else constructive that I know pleases her. Sitting down talking about feelings, constantly touching etc means little to me and is uncomfortable.

I think that while this may be an issue for Person A, it's not an issue that is true for all on the spectrum. He is making this assumption, which is kind of, um, wrong that those with ASD aren't able to demonstrate affection and don't crave closeness. 
He's buying into that. 
I agree that some have that issue. But some don't. 
I feel like it's often thought that autism= no emotion; autism=no closeness; autism=no feelings. 
Even by those who are on the spectrum.

There is sometimes an issue of accessing ones feelings, of identification.  But that's completely different than saying a person has no feelings, is not affectionate, etc.

I'm really trying to figure some things out lately in regards to the "HFA" thing.
I got tied up in this conversation elsewhere on the internets and got frustrated.

I mean, there's this one thread that is titled something like "HELP MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS AS!!!"

Seriously? Seriously.