12.21.2009

Memory...?


I think I busted up my brain. Blew a fuse. Something.

My memory, in general, is totally fucked.

It happened so quickly, and the occurrences are so striking, that it's actually worrying me quite a bit.

I am forgetting people's names, dates, events that I then realize I had just recently been thinking about. Conversations, words, have trouble visualizing directions.
I sometimes can't remember what I just did, was going to do, was thinking. [now this happens to a lot of people. but the frequency of "sometimes" is a big, noticeable notch up from "rarely", which would be normal. Sometimes meaning a few times a week. No, that's not normal.]

A lot of the time it's not on the tip of my tongue or stuck in there somewhere. It's like it never was there to begin with.

I've gone through periods of memory fuckery, but this is by far the worst.

There's a nagging worry that I'm in a fluctuating hypomanic episode and frying my brain.
But surely I would be more fucked up?

I have at this point completely stopped taking my lithium.
I keep meaning to start again but I'm scared.

And I feel like a really bad person.
And I can't call my doctor because he's gone for a month.

And there's no one around because he's an independent guy.

I feel like a failure.
I can't even get myself to swallow some pills.