3.16.2010

It's easy to be crazy, right?

I think it's easy to be crazy.

Not that it's fun, or pleasant, or easy in that it's easy to deal with. But it is easy. SIMPLE.

It just kind of happens. It's something you fall into.
You just kind of let the crazy take you. And even if you don't let it, it's still taking you, a part of you. So that part of you is relieved of duty and of the responsibilities of dealing with all the other things. You don't see life as you normally would, don't intake stimuli like normal, don't respond like normal. That part of you doesn't feel or think like normal either.

Time is like a vacation. A twisted, tortured vacation.

The pull to be crazy, even to be depressed, is understandable. For me at least.
I have found myself thinking-briefly- but thinking it: "maybe I should just be depressed".

With depression, your senses are blunted, there's less input to work through. your brain doesn't have to work as hard- it simply have fewer resources to work with and less information to get through.

You work to survive.
Things are put down to "how do I get through today" [and sometimes you work on tomorrow if you are lucky].

But when you aren't depressed, you are "better". And so your brain is just like everyone else's right?

You have to work on today, clean up yesterday, plan tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
Listen to the person in front of you, next to you, across the room and filter all of it. Because your brain hears it all.
You see brighter colors.

Sometimes, I don't feel like I am ever "baseline" because when I'm not depressed, and I'm not manic, I feel like I'm just about to go either way. [I think a good deal of that has to do with my personal difficulty in filtering out a lot of sensory stimuli.]

The demands on you when you are "well", though they are normal demands of normal people, can trigger you right back into an episode.

I am lead to this thought:
"is there ever hope to lead a normal life if I can't handle the regular stress of an "everyday life" without going out of my head?"

I don't know.