I'm on a bus.

I have an issue with public transportation and despite living in the city for nearing a couple months now, I've not really ridden the bus that much by myself.

I realize the feelings I have regarding the T, generally, are pretty unreasonable.  But when you happen to be on the ASD spectrum and have a serious case of social anxiety, things are often strange and unreasonable.
The thing is:
I'm scared of it.
I'm scared because the names of the stops come up so fast and I'm scared I'm going to miss them and then not know where to go. I'm scared of people. I'm scared of touching them and having them touch me.
I'm scared of things that are new and unfamiliar.

Yesterday, though, I was supposed to have dinner with a friend from highschool, so I got my ass on the bus, to a place I'd never been before, and Actually Did Not Explode.

Holy shit!

I was so nervous, too.
The initial stop where I had to get the bus was a stop that I'd never been too, also, so I was all worried I wouldn't find it.

Totally an adult doing adult stuff.
For serious.


Meta is the new black.

I was walking to main campus.
I'm sure normal people aren't just walking along, minding their own business, then get suddenly interrupted by the thought of
"Was that a real voice, or not?" followed rapidly by a lengthy tangent with a thesis of "What is real anyway?" and ending with "If a tree craps in the woods does anyone hear it?"

WHAT? What the fuck is that?

...and after thinking about thinking, I got caught in this metaphorical never-ending mobius strip type attack of thinking about thinking about thinking...

Then I realized I had to cross the street.
The light was in my favour, I think.



I can't figure out if I'm depressed or what.

I'm fundamentally different from those around me.

It takes a lot to make me laugh. Like, really laugh. Most people get a forced laugh out of me most of the time.

...does everyone just do that?
Do I have a shitty sense of humour?

I don't know.

I know I feel really uncomfortable often because I'm not naturally laughing or giggling along with everyone else. And I don't know why.
I feel kind of broken.


Starting at zero to Lesley...

In between shots of tequila.

And... I started out trying to recover from a depression that had lasted for months, maybe years, and taking one class.

And now I'm going to Lesley University.

Like, how the fuck did that happen?

I don't fucking know man.



I was trying to do schoolwork and everything was taking forever. Just taking so long to do. Like it was all in slow motion. I don't know why. But this power point I was working on was taking me hours. Something like three hours for four slides.

I think I'm just getting this anxiety paralysis. Everything seems like too much to do. I don't know why.

So, I was sitting there, trying to do work and I hear someone writing on my white board outside my door.

But I'm not really friendly with people in my dorm, so now I'm all paranoid, so I get up and open my door, and it turns out someone had just written about liking the stuff on my door.

So now I look like a big fucking jackass and I feel really stupid.

And crazy. I feel crazy.