autism entry

I have a love/hate relationship with autism.
How it applies to me, specifically.

I have been diagnosed repeatedly as autistic and at one point it became a status symbol for a couple of people I associated with, which was just scary.

I just don't fucking care at this point.

Not true. I care.
I'm still worried about being called a fake. This happened with those people after they had convinced me they were my friends and then decided no, we weren't friends anymore. Also I wasn't autistic. Not only that but I had actively lied about it, had lied to them.

It's hard to know where one stands sometimes. But that's true about anything really.

And when things come up about autism, I don't know if I can speak about it to most people. I have such conflicting feelings. I feel like there's something different and not right about me developmentally, definitely.

But it's like... sometimes treated as a club.
I don't like that.

I know if you meet me, you might just think I'm a little "shy" or a little "awkward", but if you spend time with me doing stuff it can be apparent that some stuff isn't quite right and... I don't like having to "prove" to people that it's a problem.

I also don't like other people trying to say that their awkwardness is the same as some of the shit that I've dealt with. The amount of effort I put forth to give the impression that maybe I'm a little "shy" or a little "awkward" [as opposed to a completely dysfunctional moron] is huge. I also had to learn how to do it, how to hide what things were like for me when I was younger.

Getting in trouble at school all the fucking time, being made to cry, because I don't understand the directions of the teachers. I was supposed to just "get it together" and "listen up". When I finally did have "friends" they took advantage of me and made fun of me. Having a mother who is intolerant of your noise sensitivities to the point where she would chase you with a vaccuum cleaner as a little kid. Screaming in school when the fire alarm goes off.

But then I feel like a jerk.
Who am I to say?

It's all very confusing.

It's supposed to interfere with your life.
But it's not.
It does sometimes. It doesn't sometimes. ...it pretty much does all the time; no one else sees it.



A few things, actually.

I had an appointment on Monday with my psychiatrist.
There has been so much bullshit going on with this crazy teacher at school that I just completely forgot to go. Which is so unlike me and really upset me.

I didn't remember until that night when I was thinking about how I hadn't gone to the bank, crap, but then remembered that the reason I had needed to go to the bank was so I'd have cash to give to the doctor.

I emailed him and apologized and gave him various times over the next two weeks that I could meet, but stressed that I was going home [wednesday afternoon] and running out of meds.

He wrote back "No- Call me."

I called him and he made an appointment for Thursday night at 6pm, when i would already be in NH.
Ok, I agreed to it, which I shouldn't have. But he was kind of pressurey about it.

When I got to NH on wednesday night I sent him an email saying I had come home and wouldn't be able to make the appointmentand would call to reschedule.

I still have not done this.

My meds...
I was running out of lithium and have run out of concerta and I don't know where the script is for topamax now because apperantly it's expired. Which is a big surprise to me.

I came home and found lithium that is still good, so I'm good on that. But the concerta, that's a problem and so is the topamax, as stress minus topamax= increase is complex migraineness.

TO head that off I've been taking some lorazepam that I pretty much never take. It's a theory, maybe it'll work. It's at least helping with all the anxiety cause by the untreated adhdness going on right now.

OK. SO missed doctor appointments.

I found out yesterday that my parents are switching insurance and because it wouldn't be a continuation of policy or some shit, I don't eve know if I understand it, I can't be on their insurance anymore.

So I'm going to medicare.
And that means I can't see this jackass that I'm talk about anymore anyway after the 1st of the year.

I've been thinking off and on about kicking him anyway, so it's no big loss.

The drug program bullshit is overwhelming and expensive though. It's going to cost more than twice, approximately to get my meds. I'm on generics- more than I was before. And I have to try to track down a pharmacy in my area that will take one of the more reasonable drug programs.

As far as a new doctor goes... my school has a psychiatric nurse practitioner on staff.

...I guess I'm willing to give that a shot.
If it doesn't work out she can refer me somewhere else I suppose or I can go back to the old doctor, who wasn't all that great either, but didn't suck as much as this one.

I can keep my therapist.
SHIT I haven't found out if I can keep my GP and fuck I hope I can.