I don't remember when it started. At some point, I didn't really give much of a fuck, though. I just didn't care. If I offended someone or there was a bunch of inappropriate [in my view] whining about some thing I did, tough titty. I just did what I wanted. Not that I didn't consider my actions, but it was pretty difficult to garner sympathy or regret from me when I did stuff once I decided to do it.

Now? I have guilt. All the time. About everything. I feel as though I have done something wrong and there was a better path/option/behavior that I could have chosen all the time.

I am feeling particularly guilty right now, though it admittedly makes little sense.

Last night we had tacos. There were ten taco shells and lots of various things to put inside them. There were five people eating and I only felt like eating one taco at the time of dinner because I just suddenly felt full.
A few hours later I was kind of hungry again but there were still taco shells left so I had another taco. That... should be ok, right?

Only I feel bad now. I can't explain why exactly. What if someone was planning on eating it and looking forward to it but now there's only one left... and...uh... something.. I don't know.

Guilt just rides my ass all the time about everything. But especially, I've noticed, about food. I USUALLY ask everyone in the house if they want something before I eat it. With the taco thing, everyone was asleep at the time.

Guilt guilt guilt. Everything is my fault. All the time.


No rest for the occasionally mischievous.

I keep staying up until 430/5/530.

Even when there's nothing else keeping me up, this inexplicable aversion to sleep takes hold. Almost afraid sometimes, but not quite there.

This evening, I suddenly felt really really tired, then things slowed down. Then my brain just stopped cooperating and nothing seemed right. I just wasn't perceiving things correctly and I couldn't really understand what was going on in chat conversations. So I stopped trying.

...then it was gone. Now I'm tired, but a different kind of tired. Like physical exertion tired, not sleepy tired.

This is fairly typical. And pissing me off.
I'm going to call my neurologist on monday, but until anything gets figured out, this is what I have to deal with, suck up, move on from. Like every day.

Anyway, plan for next week: GP, PDoc, TDoc. Hopefully chiropractor, maybe neuro tests if at all possible.

...watching Blood+ now.
It won't fix anything, but at least my name isn't Saya.


aahhhh... let's try this again.

So, I'm going to try to go to McLean for DBT.

Research in the past on DBT groups has lead me to a dead end because I am bipolar, not borderline, and this presents a problem for many of the providers who offer DBT.

I'm sketched out because I really really really really REALLY don't fucking want to be in a group therapy situation, but the chances of finding a one-on-one situation offering DBT are even less.

I am, slowly but surely, reaching the end of the line.

I am truly fucking crazy right now.

I totally flipped my shit night before last and just, really couldn't tell what was my insanity talking and what was reality. But it was like an OCD/anxiety/panic hurricane in my mind, very messy, very scary,


I'm feeling a lot of "free floating anxiety", though it's really just the bottom layer.
On top of that is a little bit of paranoia, specific anxiety about my future, and there's some panic that I'm REALLY REALLY trying to not let sneak in.

I can feel my heart getting faster and my chest feels kind of tight and my stomach hurts.

I'm having trouble concentrating and making sense of a lot of things, I think.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of things wrong?

And also... that I'm supposed to be doing something, anything else, but "taking a break". I feel a push to be going, going, going. VERY anxious that I'm not doing classically productive things right this very second [schoolwork?].

But I don't have any PRNs, because I decided I didn't need them, because everything was going just swimmingly.

I feel exhausted on top of all of this, though my sleep has been shit. I kind of have an aversion to sleep right now.

I feel wound very tight, and sad, and a little confused. I don't know what to do when I need to relax or whatever.

Kind of freaking out.


I suck / cleaning up?

We decided to drop the luvox and the lithium, after my compliance with those two specifically had been so random as to be a joke, and we couldn't even get a consistent lithium level.

My doctor and I discussed it and decided to see how things go.
I'm sick of being on 7 [or 8?] meds, and, well, there's never a good time anyway so why not now?

Meanwhile, due to unrelated circumstances, I'm destroying relationships left and right.

I'm unhappy with what the future holds. I want to change it.
I'm not sure the best way to go about it, and with a little unintentional poking from a friend, I've ended up swatting at anything/anyone that gets close.

Am I just destined to fail at "happy, healthy and normal"?

Whatever. All melodrama under the bridge.

I'm not going to be "fixed". I'm not going to change dramatically. I'm not going to have some miraculous epiphany that makes everything ok.

Life sucks. I suck.
I just need to learn some coping skills.


Black Hole.

I don’t know what this is. Maybe this is a “bipolar” post.
Maybe this is a general “whiskey tango foxtrot” deal. I don’t really know.

Here’s the skinny-  A few weeks ago [at least a month but less than two] I started to skip my evening medications. This would be the fluvoxamine and the lithium. It wasn’t on purpose and it was a shame because both seem to actually make a difference and have very few side effects; the effects they do present with are either extremely mild and tolerable or beneficial- aiding in impulsive eating or evening out some sketchy sleep habits, things like that.

But still, I’ve never been great with taking medication at night, and I was getting stressed out, and when I went to bed a lot of the time I would be crying or scared or anxious as fuck or D) All of the above. So taking them was touch and go for a while. Then I forgot for a few days. Then a few more days and suddenly it was the better part of a week and I wasn’t sure what to do but I was seeing my doctor soon anyway so it turned into ten days or something. Meanwhile, I’d been halfassing my other meds because I lost my ADD scripts.

So I see my doctor and explain what happened. He doesn’t suck about it, which is good and I try to get back on track.

I Do.
For a while. But then I lose my new scripts for almost all my meds, and neglect my night meds again, and run out of what I have, and soon I’m not taking anything at all. I feel tired and anxious and a little uh, paranoid. And well… up. But actually, I’m not so bad. So I resolve to tough it out until I see my doctor.
I made it, and yet again explain that I can’t keep my head screwed on. I immediately took my add meds and felt a little more glued together. I forgot how much of a wreck I feel like in comparison to when I take them.
Now I’m confused though.
Obviously I need my meds, because I had some problems.
But I didn’t go immediately batshit like usual. And why can’t I take my medication anymore? This is really worrying me. I feel a lot better and alive and just… normalized like my body can breathe and function on an even keel when I take them, so why is it so difficult?

I’m scared I’ll never take them consistently again.
If I don’t, I won’t succeed. If I don’t succeed… I’m just not sure what the point is.


Seize the Day.

I have migraines. I think. 

I was diagnosed with "complex migraine syndrome" some time around 2005.
Which is fun. It's awesome being diagnosed with something that is not really an actual recognized syndrome, so you wander around explaining over and over and over to health professionals exactly what your neurologist meant when he blessed you with such a thing.

I get language, cognitive, sensation distortions.
Disortions of space. Shit looks big, small, I am looking through a "fisheye" lens.

My head blowsup like a balloon and gets stuffed with cotton. I get disoriented.

My eyes feel like they are bugging out of my head and sometimes I sink into the floor or couch.

I forget about the whole speech thing sometimes.

I feel slow. I'm really just... not all there.

After or before- or both- I'm tired and cranky. Sometimes I get a headache along with this shit. Most of the time if I have a head pain it's long before or long after an "episode".
But I have had mega headaches, including associated nausea and fatigue, that last for forever.

And these "episodes"... they last quite a while.

I saw my neurologist today and told her that the migraines are getting worse. The "weird, freaky" migraines, that is. But I'm getting less headaches generally, which is an improvement.

She's concerned they are seizures. 
I'mm not. 
She wants me to do an ambulatory EEG.
I do not want to do this. I have done this before.

So I spent several minutes trying to establish that I'm not having seizures, they are too long, it's been investigated, it doesn't make sense, blah blah blah.

She spent several minutes saying it's certainly possible they are seizures- some seizures can last a long time, you can have migraines and epilepsy, the tiredness surrounding them is characteristic of seizures.

But the prodrome and postdrome of migraines can consist of a lot of weird shit, too.

I really don't think I have epilepsy, but what if I do?
I was still getting this shit when on 300mg of topamax and 300mg of lamictal. Not as often but...

Thinking about it? There was an increase after stopping the lamictal.

I'm pissed off. I kind of want to not do the EEG.
If I am having seizures, it's one more notch on the case... one more thing I don't want.
Another thing that I have to convince other people is actually legitimate, so I can then get proper treatment and pretend I don't actually have it.

It's not seizures; I just happen to have a form of migraines that don't really exist.


Dr. P is on vacation.

I left my internship today to drive forty five minutes to go to an appointment. When i got there, and said "Hi my name is [Josie] and I have an appointment at 1 oclock with Dr. P", her response was "Dr. P is on vacation".

And then she just stared at me. That's all, just... nothing.

I told her, that was a bit funny because I have the appointment card right here.

She looks into the computerness and discovers "AHA" the office manager manager apparently made a switch to my appointment, it's on the 30th.
And also, no one bothered to tell me.

 Since seeing my neurologist I've had I think four headache/migraines... [or heffalumps and woozles- which is really just as accurate a description], two of which I used the Fioricet for.

Fioricet is acetaminophen, caffeine and a barbiturate. I don't really like taking it. I also don't like feeling as though my brain is trying to claw it's way out of my skull, so sometimes I just take the Fioricet. I have "regular" headaches pretty often.

I had to go home from work one night because I knew I was going to get a migraine and I kinda was pissed about that.

I knew when I started to feel floaty, headachey, and slow... it was time to go.
My head felt like cotton.

So I went home, felt weird for a while, then slept it off. Felt a little funky for a while, but it seemed to work out.

The thing is, I'm getting a lot of subtle "subthreshold" weird migraines. [or, well, they aren't exactly migraines. They're like... Cognitive Anomalies or something?]

I kinda... don't even want to deal with this. I can't even really explain what is going on, so the legitimacy is constantly questioned.

Can't I just be crazy?


Luvox CR [fluvoxamine]

I started fluvoxamine. Luvox CR.

I thought about it pretty intensely. 
I know it could possibly do a lot of good. 
I also know, however, that I am extremely wary of anything that mucks about with my serotonin at this point. I don't honestly know if it needs to be messed with anymore.

Lexapro [escitalopram] made me feel awful.  I suspect Celexa [citalopram] made me manic but I don't really know- I don't remember how I felt at the time, only things that happened-both Cymbalta [duloxetine] and Effexor [venlafaxine] made me a serious mess and genuinely suicidal [one of the only times there have actually been serious questions in my brain regarding my desire to live]. 
Other foolery didn't do much of anything.

But I'm at the point where I need the OCD-wannabe bullshit to just. stop. I don't want to live with it anymore.
I can't. 
I can't manage it.


Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

I don't know what I'm doing right now.
I mean, I sort of know what I'm doing.

That is, I seem to be stomping around, crashing about, making a lot of noise, bitching and moaning about how things are so hard, and life sucks and I can't possibly manage because I'm craaaaaaaaaazy.

Though, to be honest- while things are difficult right now and I am crazy, and pretty stressed out, I probably don't need to be in the driver seat of the bus to loonyville. I mean, I should think one would hope to avoid that sort of thing.

On the other hand, my summer does seem to be "jam packed full of fun activities!" which can on occasion incite some actual waterworks.

So, what to do? There isn't really anything that I can back out of.
I'm stuck in the two classes I'm taking because it's money already spent. I have to do the internship because it's attached to one of the classes- don't do the internship, fail the class, fail the class, I'm screwed.
So, that's a no-go.

Need money so have to work.
Which means, most weeks I have one day off by chance, which I spend driving an hour down to my boyfriend's house and an hour back. Some weeks, I will be working in the morning and then driving the hour down and back.

This is... quite the little set up for disaster, I feel. I mean I suppose I can do it, I just don't really feel it's the healthiest thing for me.  In the midst of all that I have to see my therapist and psychiatrist and find an apartment as well.

I know, I know, I DO prattle on.
I just can't shut up.

I don't know how I got myself here. I don't know how to get out of the knot I tied myself in. I'm not really well.

My sister will be home for a good part of the summer and that's... going to be interesting.

We actually tend to make eachother insane.


Put me out.

Just… whatever.

I don’t know if I want to actually deal with anything. As if that was an option.
People keep saying I’m really busy, or I have a full schedule or a lot to do. I know this. I really do. I don’t want to hear it. Over and over. As if I’m not aware. That I’m at risk of losing it.

I had my internship today. It was ok. I got to see and pet some horsies, but didn’t do much interesting other than that because I’m not trained yet. I did some stupid stuff and can’t make decisions- some old bullshit as per usual.
I don’t think I’ll be riding.
I’m pretty sure I’m too fat and I’ll hurt the horses.
...with the attainment of this knowledge I've reached a Brand. New. Low.

Excuse me while I go struggle through the homework that I was supposed to have finished already.



Hmm... OK.
I guess I'm happier. I guess I'm alright... ish.

But sitting here I suddenly feel like, I don't know, I want out. That everything is just too much.

I always find myself in these situations. Where everything is just piled on, higher and higher, to the point of almost tipping. But it doesn't. Somehow I DON'T totally and completely flip my shit and have to quit my job, drop out of school, take a huge handful of meds. Not lately anyway.

I imagine my life as a stack of books, each thing another book piled on top of the other. I try to not breath to heavily or everything is going to fall on my head.

I have this one class that I am taking at the local community college. [one book] Another class that I am taking online through my regular school. [two books] The internship hours that go along with that class. [three books] My part-time job. [four books]

Being crazy/ having a boyfriend/finding an apartment [five six seven books]
Some books you always have to haul around [like being crazy] but how well does a person do trying to run around carrying a stack of seven books?

Now and then I pause and think "I'm not really happy. Actually? I think I'd like to die."

It's pretty likely that is reverting to an old habit more than anything else.


Rundown of "the everyday".

Well, at least I haven't had another big huge classic migraine lately, right? Right... there's the "at least". The bad part is that I keep having head pain and "mini headaches" that last from 5-15 minutes that aren't, for the most part, anything past moderate. Which is good. Also have aura-type stuff but haven't had anything full blown. So I suppose the topiramate increase is helping. But I'm at 400 mg at this point and you'd think that would take care of it.

Only it's not. I've been giving it some time, but the time doesn't seem to be working either. I'm supposed to give it until this Thursday I think and then call. I don't know if I'm calling and saying "Can I talk to Dr. X" or "Can I leave a message for Dr. X" or just say "I came in about a month ago and I'm supposed to call around now and report back, blah blah blah..." Uck. I hate calling. I hate migraine crap. I had thought the med increase would be sufficient.


She had mentioned a couple other meds to try, and then eventually Botox. That's right, Botox. But that won't take care of the auras, which she doesn't seem terribly concerned about.

But I am. They have in the least an annoying immediate effect on me and at the most a longer term, more extreme effect: sometimes they effect me for a couple days. They can make me unable to do anything in the short term and make me exhausted and unable to think as well in the longer term. But no one seems to worry as much about the auras. It's fucking frustrating.

Maybe I just worry too much.
I would like to retain my clarity of thought fairly consistently, however.


Just crazy about finals.

School ended last week. I had my last “final” on Wednesday but couldn’t actually leave until Friday since I couldn’t get a ride. This turned out to be a good thing. My room was absolutely, positively mutherfucking trashed and it ended up I could use the time to get my shit together.

I spent Friday and Sturday night not sleeping much and Sunday night Not. Sleeping. At. All. Come around 4 o’clock Sunday morning I realize I’m typing a little fast, feeling a little “funny”, walking up and down the halls with a lot of fucking pep.

Just the fact that I am voluntarily walking up and down the halls should be a flag, really.

 I also have some pretty whacky ideas that are starting to come to me. I’m well into hypomanic and heading toward the grey area of manic but I can’t sleep because I have a paper due in three and a half hours and a painting due a few hours after that. I plan on going an hour late to the first final session, when the paper is due so it will buy me some time, but not a lot. I’m freaking out, but I have this strange kind of calm where I’m not do that thing where I crying until I can’t open my eyes anymore. Also, I’m feeling this almost… clarity. So. Yeah. Something is up with the brain. But I can’t stop to deal with that.

I don’t even finish the paper after all that but I wind up late to the session anyway, was supposed to present my paper, and did it anyway despite not having finished it. I got another extension on the paper.

A few days ago my laptop was taken with the paper on it, so I had to start it again. But I finished it, and it was a fucking bastard of a paper, and I got an A on it. Good thing, it is worth 25% of my grade.

I finished the painting after the first session with like a half hour of drying time to spare and the teacher loved it. I, on the other hand, thought it was a piece of crap.

Post Script:
Next time someone wants to ask me why I feel school is a threat to my mental health I will direct them here.


In Your Heeeaaad [Zombie]

I am kind of starting to feel like some of this shit is in my head.
Or at least the part where it's getting worse.

I mean. I know that I have the migraines and they're weird and that exists. It has been pretty well established.

But. Ok.

I started taking 50 more milligrams of topiramate. And, while things aren't fabulous, nothing major major has happened.
Well. Had happened.

See-I had been telling BF that nothing huge had happened and a little while later I started getting a really significant headache, I mean really significant. So I have to wonder. Is this my fault?

Now it could be because the night before I had only gotten three hours sleep. But I feel like... that's not enough to trigger that.

I really feel stupid.
Like, I don't know, I'm just making this all up.
Only I'm not! ...I don't think.

I just want a normal brain.

But as it is I get these pains that aren't really too bad that are from 5-15 minutes that I'm not really calling headaches and these feelings that "things aren't quite right". As in, they are going to go wrong. In my brain.

Like I'm going to have a funky migraine. But for the most part, nothing happens.
And a lot of tingling. There is a LOT of tingling in my brain. That could be the topiramate, as one can't actually feel their own brain.

I'm tired a lot usually. Only the other night I just couldn't sleep for some reason.

I'm close to just cutting all neurologists out of my life, and doing the "everything is fine, thank you" thing.

And now I have a presentation, a final painting and paper, and a final paper to do. And I am having a hell of a time doing any of it.

I just want to leave already.


Several days later. Still a bit pissed.

Ok, here goes...

I was in a pretty brutal car accident several years ago. In the ER, I had to blow for a breathalizer, and was so hysterical and just completely out of it-head injuries will do that to a person- I yelled at a cop for even making me blow because I couldn't imagine anyone drinking and driving.

I went to see my neurologist afterward because I had some weird stuff going on.

Come to find out, all these years later, in my records, my neurologist put at various parts things like “I recommended that if she continue to use alcohol that she not drive anymore” and “The police officers suspected intoxication”.

The first one... I don't actually recall ever having a conversation about my habits of alcohol usage. So he doesn't actually know. I do recall a couple specific conversations where I told him that alcoholism runs in my family.

He was generally big asshole to me anyway, getting irritated if I told him that I was still having headaches and odd things happen. Often assuming if I was upset it was because I'm bipolar- not because, perhaps, my brain is acting odd, it's getting to a point where it is interfering with my life, and everyone including my neurologist just likes to point out that I'm crazy all the time.

...and that second one? Yeah that's beautiful.
It regarded another driving incident in which I had “maybe a seizure maybe not” [ok it had like every symptom of a seizure. If you want to call it a complex migraine, you go right ahead]. I was driving at the time, and I was pulled over because someone reported that I was driving erratically. They took me to the ER and called my neurologist. DID NOT BREATHALIZE ME. Why? Because they didn't suspect I was drunk, they were concerned. Who calls a neurologist if you think someone's drunk?

So, that was an out right lie.

And there are various things sprinkled in here and there. Including suggestions that I would show up to appointments intoxicated. I- really?

I don't understand this. I'm kind of shocked. And I don't want to have an argument about this with anyone- how he is just doing his job, interpreting what he sees, is obligated to write down a clinical opinion... the bottom line is that I am now portrayed as an irresponsible drunk. Which simply isn't true. And instead of investigating suspicions, which would be reasonable and prudent, this asshole simply seemed to write down whatever random idea came into his head.

I'm fucking pissed because I just don't drink and drive. It's a fucking THING.
Also, like, I wanted to give these records to my new neurologist, and luckily she hasn't really asked for them but I'm sure at some point they would be useful. But. Fuck. Fuck him. In the ear.

Anyway. New Neurologist?

That went well.
She wasn't all scary.
She was like "We can do the long term monitoring again, since that was several years ago" I was like "Seriously? Is that really necessary?"

And then she kinda veered away from that and we settled on raising my topamax and seeing if that's going to help.

So hopefully that wil help and I won't have to add another med and things will be hunky and dory.


The devil is in the exhale.

Recently, I had felt almost like I could breath again. But now I realize that was a false sense of security.

I'm still crazy. I'm still behind on my work. I'm still scared with a very very small support network.

But lately I've been thinking: Life in general is really fucking hard to deal with. It's likely not that bad, but I consistently perceive things as difficult because, likely, I have serious issues with general functioning in a dependable way.

I drove to my internship, about an hour and twenty minutes away, the other day. I made it there in and hour and forty because I got a little lost. I got so fucking lost on the way back that it took me over two hours.

I'm supposedly doing all of these good things, but I don't feel successful at all.
I'm not getting all A's this semester, and that's really hard to deal with. I know it sounds stupid, but it's just something that I expect from myself and that I just won't be able to do this time. It's really disappointing and makes me feel stupid and shitty.

I feel backed into a corner though. I have so much work.

I kind of, sometimes, feel like I'm about to go crazy. I feel the "pull" of the crazy, and it's tempting, almost in this weird way.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I just have to make it through to the end of this semester, and I've done it every other semester.
But this one... it seems like so much.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to collapse.
Because I'm such a wimp. I can't take it all on.

For some reason I keep trying.



I saw my GP today. About my brain and the migrainey stuff.

It didn't go as well as I had hoped.
I'm kind of at the top of the limit for the topamax and she didn't feel comfortable messing with that. Understandable.

She prescribed me something for when I get bad headache-type migraines, though and referred me to neurology.

She didn't seem very concerned about the neurological symptoms, but more concerned about the headaches.

Ok, the headaches:

The headaches kind of suck, yeah. But I've gotten into this state where it was just slowly progressing so that the headaches became kind of... normal. Like boiling frog. I'm a frog!!!

Anyway, the neurological stuff, it kind of interferes, too. I mean it can get to a point where I can't function. And I don't think she quite understands it, but I don't really blame her. I mean, it's weird.
I just...

I think I had a full blown neurological migraine, but I'm not sure; whatever it actually was, it kinda sucked.

I don't want it happening again. But it might. There's a really good chance it will, since we did nothing to my meds.
It really really bothers me. What if it happens during class? Last time I was in the study commons and thankfully I was talking online with Nal and with my friend K at the time and it didn't last too long. And it wasn't even THAT BAD. I don't know.

I feel like I suck for making such a big deal out of all of this.

I'm just worried. I feel like people don't get it. BF gets it. There's a little overlap in some of the stuff that I experience with my weird migraineness and some of the stuff he experiences sometimes with his seizures, so he gets it.
But, I can't really just explain to some one all of this crap. It's not simple.


And it's scary too.

I mean, I think I could have talked this time, but what if next time I can't?
I also love when I say things like that and am told I'm over reacting.
It has actually happened before that I have lost the ability to speak. Pretty sure if a basic means of communication is randomly cut off, it is not over reacting to be worried it will happen again.

I'm so sorry for venting my anxious little spleen like this but I'm a spaz and I don't see the neurologist for like a month and a half at least.

I guess I didn't really realize how bad it was getting and how much I was ignoring stuff until recently. And then I had a big "classic" migraine and then the thing that may or may not have been a full neurological migraine. [I don't think I can pretend at this point that anyone, including myself, actually knows how to classify this stuff]

But I've been having symptoms a lot lately anyway and just been ignoring it. There's been so much going on that I just doing have time to think about things.

I'm too busy dealing with not going crazy, I guess.



I'm going home tomorrow for the weekend.  I've made a couple of appointments.
Friday I have an appointment with my GP about my head and an appointment with my PDoc, also about my head.
Saturday I have an appointment with my TDoc.

I have a lot of work.
I mean a lot.

I'm freakin' tired. My room's a fucking mess.I got an offer to stay on at my current internship this summer for 120 hours over the summer with a stipend.

I don't know if I can do it. DAMMIT.


I'd love to meet Oliver Sacks.

So I've decided I'm definitely going to do something about the whole, uh, brain thing. The brain hurty thing. Not the brain crazy thing.

It's been at least since last summer, probably longer than that though, that I can remember having some "break through" migrainous symptoms. On top of that are the "little headaches", which I'm averaging about 3 a week probably? Sometimes more.

Then there have been two distinct times I remember having pretty severe headaches, and excedrin- or whatever the generic of that crap is called- wouldn't touch them and all I could do is ride them out. I remember one time feeling suddenly extremely nauseated but I don't know if it was near a time I had a headache or not, so.

The thing with those two headaches is, I mean, they were pretty bad. But I wouldn't think of calling them a migraine because when I think migraine headache? I think like, excruciating pain. I think the kind of head pain I had after my car accident when they had to give me an iv for it kind of pain. So every headache I get, I compare to that.

Though actually the headache itself can vary. My other migraines are a little wonky to begin with, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.  Then there's the whole thing that happened this past week with the headache and the prolonged awful feeling in the stomach.
Plus, I will randomly feel tired sometimes. I don't know if that's related, but I almost feel like maybe it's migrainous in origin. Maybe I'm just lazy.

I definitely need a new neurologist.

Since the... migraine/sickypooness/whatever, my head's not quite been on straight and I've felt, a few times, like I'm almost about to have one of my regular migraines....those tend to be bad. Sometimes scary.

Oh, I found this while wandering about the intarnets.
It's neat.


Random randomness.

Yesterday I woke up feeling really really nauseous. It had actually started the night before, but it was really mild, so I didn't think anything of it because I occasionally get slightly yuck from the lithium. But yesterday it was bad bad bad. So bad that moving made it feel like "I'm going to throw up and it's going to happen. Right. Now." . But it didn't. It didn't actually get to that point and I don't know if it's because that simply wasn't going to happen or if there was a psychological block because I live in a dorm.

I ended up calling my internship and telling them I couldn't come in. But my supervisor usually goes in about an hour after I do, so I had to leave a message. Which is crummy. But I didn't want her to show up to no message at all.
I found some spearmint gum, which I have found has helped in the past, and chewed on that awhile. It helped a bit.

My back hurt a lot too, and so did my head.
My head had been hurting off and on since seeing the show on Sunday, which is a while for a head to hurt. But I took something for it, and it went away, then came back a little, then went away. Then came back yesterday morning.

I was able to go to my afternoon/evening class last night. Which is good, but I wasn't really engaged, which is bad.  My stomach's still a little weird and my back still hurts but my head's better.

Like... could this be a freaky kind of migraine?
I don't know, because I don't usually get headachey migraines.
I get freaky-aura migraines that evidently no one has heard of.

I know migraines, from prodrome to postdrome, the symptoms, can potentially last a couple days.

I've been thinking of asking my doctor if we can raise the topamax because I've been getting a lot of headaches, anyway.  I feel like the headaches might be breakthrough symptoms or something.

...which is weird because, again,  I don't usually get headachey migraines.
Though now that I think about it? In the past year or so I've had two REALLY bad headaches that I can recall. They weren't blinding, but they were... debilitating to some extent.

I always compare head pain to my car accident head pain and they weren't like that, but they were pretty bad.

*sigh* I should probably get a neurologist again.

/me throws confetti.


Been there, done that, got the pill box.

So I went and saw Next to Normal today. [warning link has some spoilers in the synopsis. you probably figured that out, but just thought I'd mention] I mean, in case you didn't know already that I was going to see it. Because I haven't been able to shut the fuck up about it. Sorry.

It was good. The understudy was playing the lead, and that was a bit of a let down at first, but she did a great job. So it was fine. I just don't like unexpected things.
But I did like it. Some of it was funny, some of it made me want to cry. I saw it with my mom and she cried during some of it. She said afterward that she thought it was good and interesting and informative and she was glad she saw it.

Some of the things I could relate to a lot, and obviously, because we're all different and the situation in the musical is a little specific, some of it I couldn't.

There's a song about the lead and her psychopharmacologist and it's pretty funny.

I got a pill box with the show's logo and name on it.

One thing I pulled from the show [though maybe not directly from it], as I was thinking about stuff, is this idea that I've been pondering:

Even though we [as in the crazycrazies] are at times totally fucking nuts, we do have moments, days, weeks, months of clarity. We have to grasp these times and use them to our best advantage. We have to make the hard choices then, and instill in ourselves a trust to be carried through the madness that we made the right decision when we weren't crazy. Maybe that's impossible...
I really don't know.
I guess just thinking about it.
Maybe it's asking too much.


Gimme a reason to stay here...

I'm not doing much that I'm proud of lately. My grades are going to be crappy this semester. I'm not sure if there's any saving them. So that's a let down. And I'm really trying to get used to the idea of not having all A's.

It's upsetting. It's anxiety provoking. It makes me feel bad. I mean really bad.

"It's not worth doing if it's not done right"

Right is A's. Even the A minuses I got last semester... I mean, yeah they were good. But I had and still have this nagging feeling about them. I could have done better. So why didn't I? I mean, what was my problem, what was so bad that it cost me a measly couple of points?

I couldn't just push a teeny bit harder?
I don't know. 
I realize that's a little excessive. But I still think it.

Especially lately, I think "I'm pretty mediocre".

Because I am.
I used to feel, well, kind of special sometimes for one reason or another.
I'll grant that sometimes that "special" feeling was really "grandiosity".
However, I'm talking about a genuine feeling of "I'm a unique individual and special and proud of that because of A, B, C..."

I don't really feel that anymore?
I don't feel smart, like ever. In fact, most of the time, I'm trying to recover from feeling like a fucking idiot. I used to be all "I know I'm smart, and that's super cool" I don't know that anymore. I totally don't feel it. I can't demonstrate it to myself, I can't see it in action.

I sure as fuck don't feel pretty.
Which isn't the center of my universe, but lately I actually feel all awkward and poorly put together. And rugged and rough. It used to be "I like the way I look, and I feel good about that".
Not now. Where did that go?
I used to wear grocery cart seat belts for necklaces, because "why not?". That was what I wanted to do. 
There was little to no heels/skirt/makeup anxiety.

I don't feel like I have any talents either. Like nothing special. Everyone can do everything. Nothing special about me doing anything.

I'm mediocre at all the stuff I'm trying to do right now, in that I'm not really excelling at any thing. Not even one thing.   I don't feel like I can do anything and it's holding me back from even trying.

But no one even broaches the "[Josie] isn't doing a good job" subject anyway, which makes me feel weird.

Not at my internship.
Not with my partner project.
Not with my watercolor class.
Not as an administrator.

I don't know if I'll ever be me again. Be excited to be me. Anxiety has taken over a big part of my heart and my life. I feel like it's swallowing me up.


Double Plus Good

1. I'm totally going to see Next to Normal [plot- careful, spoilers!] with my mom in like two and a half weeks. I keep forgetting and then remembering and then getting all excited all over again. I'm totally wicked psyched. Like omg totally fer sure.

[ I think I just need to see that as a light at the end of this tunnel. Then I'll look for something else. ]

3. The Circus is in town and it's name is EPA. I think I'm going to go, since I'm a member and all, and it's like an hour and fifteen minutes from me, maybe an hour if I drive fast. I might only go for one of the days though and that makes me sad. But I have a lot of stuff to get done.

But it's cool. I think I'm gonna go.
I feel very privileged to be able to go.



Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Turanga Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy Wong: General sluttiness.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

How do we cope?
How do I cope?

I have no idea.
Every once in a while it does honestly occur to me that I'm going to die, nothing I do will survive eternity, there's no getting around that one.

My loved ones will all die. Everything will disintegrate and turn to dust.

What exactly is the point?

I don't know.
Living for living's sake.

But you aren't supposed to do anything for it's own sake. Everything's supposed to have some higher, more important, ultimate meaning.

Why? Why complicate shit?
Why not say
"Today I'm getting out of bed because getting out of bed isn't too bad. And now, well, I'm getting dressed, because, hey, that's ok too"
and if you get some jollies out of it, not too shabby.

If you get to class/work/whatever after that, because it's what you do, then so be it. You might end up with some benefit from it. You might gain knowledge/money/experience.

Not always, though and sometimes it just feels ok to put one foot in front of the other.
I keep forgetting that.

I'm so tangled up in what I'm supposed to do for whom and when and how.
Life is such a knot right now.

I'm forgetting to breath, apparently.


Santa Monica

I've been feeling flashes of miserable lately.

But, I mean, generally the past few days I've been feeling better and that's a nice little break.

It's most apparent if I give myself too much time to think or something. So I guess I need to watch that.

I feel, I feel, I feel... sort of like things are spinning out of control. Still, even.
I feel like I'm not getting anything done today.

I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. Confrontation of any sort is freaking me out. I'm not worried about other people. It's me. I'm likely to flip out completely, and just go boom. Like a puffer fish.

Pretty anxious.
And I just feel like no one gets it.
I really do.

But it seems to be getting worse and not better as time goes on.
The freaking out about school and such. I thought it might be getting a little easier, but it's not. Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I just sit there and stare at whatever I'm doing because I feel so overloaded.

I literally feel scared sometimes. I feel fear. I get sweaty and cold at the same time and my heart races and I feel a "fight or flight" sensation. But there's nowhere to go.

A lot of people like to think I'm over reacting. Or maybe not that. Maybe it's just... they don't understand the intensity of what I'm trying to tell them.

I'm pretty worried about my mental status right now. There's no turning back, no dropping classes, no withdrawing from school and basically, what I'm trying to say,
I'm in deep shit.


I was going to have carrots...

and peanut butter. I forgot to bring the peanut butter to my internship. So that was a let down.

Lately, I feel stupid.

I mean like, as though I know nothing.

I will take a course and do well in it, and have the grade to show for it but nothing else. There's no knowledge being retained. And as for real life knowledge, I'm not very bright. I can't detect anything and I feel as though do poorly in discussions because it takes me a long time to analyze things. I don't hold up well in nose-to-nose debate or even discussion.

I'm slow.

I really am. It's painfully obvious to me all the time. I just feel so inadequate.
I have problems spelling things that I really should fucking be able to spell and it's very embarrassing.

Perhaps it seems I'm "just down" on myself lately, but I'm truly bothered.
I feel genuinely stupid and slow and unaware of the most mundane things.
I'll have discussions with people and they'll say things that never even occurred to me. But all the time this happens. Not the usual "mingling with other people inspires you" thing.

I never say anything novel and I can't get my brain to do that right now.

I feel so bland.

I don't know what my problem is.


No Guts No Glory

I come from a family of "strong-minded" women.

One of my grandmothers had her doctorate in english. She never hesitated to say precisely what was on her mind.

My other grandmother, though she didn't go to college, ended up vice president of the company she worked at.

When the previous VP left, she went into the president's office [she had been the VP's secretary] and said, basically, she could do just about everything the guy who just left could do, why not just put her in the position? She was so convincing that he did just that.

My mother has a master's in geriatric nursing [she also taught for a while] and she is... opinionated. She just always manages to "find a way", some how. I may pile a lot of shit on her but she's always been able to wrangle a way for things to work out with her brain. I mean, she is pretty fucking smart.

What's my point?

For a while it seemed I was just as strong-minded. That I had guts.
I don't feel that way right now;  it pisses me off.

I wonder, sometimes if the anxiety took over or if it's just that my "guts" were never actually there at all and it was the bipolar sort of running the show the entire time?

I mean, I see some stuff from the women in my family, but not much.

I feel like being meek and anxious all the time is almost dishonoring them.