1.12.2011

No Guts No Glory

I come from a family of "strong-minded" women.

One of my grandmothers had her doctorate in english. She never hesitated to say precisely what was on her mind.

My other grandmother, though she didn't go to college, ended up vice president of the company she worked at.

When the previous VP left, she went into the president's office [she had been the VP's secretary] and said, basically, she could do just about everything the guy who just left could do, why not just put her in the position? She was so convincing that he did just that.

My mother has a master's in geriatric nursing [she also taught for a while] and she is... opinionated. She just always manages to "find a way", some how. I may pile a lot of shit on her but she's always been able to wrangle a way for things to work out with her brain. I mean, she is pretty fucking smart.

What's my point?

For a while it seemed I was just as strong-minded. That I had guts.
I don't feel that way right now;  it pisses me off.

I wonder, sometimes if the anxiety took over or if it's just that my "guts" were never actually there at all and it was the bipolar sort of running the show the entire time?

I mean, I see some stuff from the women in my family, but not much.

I feel like being meek and anxious all the time is almost dishonoring them.