2.27.2011

Futurama

Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Turanga Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy Wong: General sluttiness.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.


How do we cope?
How do I cope?

I have no idea.
Every once in a while it does honestly occur to me that I'm going to die, nothing I do will survive eternity, there's no getting around that one.

My loved ones will all die. Everything will disintegrate and turn to dust.

What exactly is the point?

I don't know.
Living for living's sake.

But you aren't supposed to do anything for it's own sake. Everything's supposed to have some higher, more important, ultimate meaning.

Why? Why complicate shit?
Why not say
"Today I'm getting out of bed because getting out of bed isn't too bad. And now, well, I'm getting dressed, because, hey, that's ok too"
and if you get some jollies out of it, not too shabby.

If you get to class/work/whatever after that, because it's what you do, then so be it. You might end up with some benefit from it. You might gain knowledge/money/experience.

Not always, though and sometimes it just feels ok to put one foot in front of the other.
I keep forgetting that.

I'm so tangled up in what I'm supposed to do for whom and when and how.
Life is such a knot right now.

I'm forgetting to breath, apparently.

2.26.2011

Santa Monica

I've been feeling flashes of miserable lately.

But, I mean, generally the past few days I've been feeling better and that's a nice little break.

It's most apparent if I give myself too much time to think or something. So I guess I need to watch that.

I feel, I feel, I feel... sort of like things are spinning out of control. Still, even.
I feel like I'm not getting anything done today.

I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. Confrontation of any sort is freaking me out. I'm not worried about other people. It's me. I'm likely to flip out completely, and just go boom. Like a puffer fish. 

Pretty anxious.
And I just feel like no one gets it.
I really do.

But it seems to be getting worse and not better as time goes on.
The freaking out about school and such. I thought it might be getting a little easier, but it's not. Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I just sit there and stare at whatever I'm doing because I feel so overloaded.

I literally feel scared sometimes. I feel fear. I get sweaty and cold at the same time and my heart races and I feel a "fight or flight" sensation. But there's nowhere to go.

A lot of people like to think I'm over reacting. Or maybe not that. Maybe it's just... they don't understand the intensity of what I'm trying to tell them.

I'm pretty worried about my mental status right now. There's no turning back, no dropping classes, no withdrawing from school and basically, what I'm trying to say,
is
I'm in deep shit.

2.04.2011

I was going to have carrots...


and peanut butter. I forgot to bring the peanut butter to my internship. So that was a let down.

Lately, I feel stupid.

I mean like, as though I know nothing.

I will take a course and do well in it, and have the grade to show for it but nothing else. There's no knowledge being retained. And as for real life knowledge, I'm not very bright. I can't detect anything and I feel as though do poorly in discussions because it takes me a long time to analyze things. I don't hold up well in nose-to-nose debate or even discussion.

I'm slow.

I really am. It's painfully obvious to me all the time. I just feel so inadequate.
I have problems spelling things that I really should fucking be able to spell and it's very embarrassing.

Perhaps it seems I'm "just down" on myself lately, but I'm truly bothered.
I feel genuinely stupid and slow and unaware of the most mundane things.
I'll have discussions with people and they'll say things that never even occurred to me. But all the time this happens. Not the usual "mingling with other people inspires you" thing.

I never say anything novel and I can't get my brain to do that right now.

I feel so bland.

I don't know what my problem is.