Random randomness.

Yesterday I woke up feeling really really nauseous. It had actually started the night before, but it was really mild, so I didn't think anything of it because I occasionally get slightly yuck from the lithium. But yesterday it was bad bad bad. So bad that moving made it feel like "I'm going to throw up and it's going to happen. Right. Now." . But it didn't. It didn't actually get to that point and I don't know if it's because that simply wasn't going to happen or if there was a psychological block because I live in a dorm.

I ended up calling my internship and telling them I couldn't come in. But my supervisor usually goes in about an hour after I do, so I had to leave a message. Which is crummy. But I didn't want her to show up to no message at all.
I found some spearmint gum, which I have found has helped in the past, and chewed on that awhile. It helped a bit.

My back hurt a lot too, and so did my head.
My head had been hurting off and on since seeing the show on Sunday, which is a while for a head to hurt. But I took something for it, and it went away, then came back a little, then went away. Then came back yesterday morning.

I was able to go to my afternoon/evening class last night. Which is good, but I wasn't really engaged, which is bad.  My stomach's still a little weird and my back still hurts but my head's better.

Like... could this be a freaky kind of migraine?
I don't know, because I don't usually get headachey migraines.
I get freaky-aura migraines that evidently no one has heard of.

I know migraines, from prodrome to postdrome, the symptoms, can potentially last a couple days.

I've been thinking of asking my doctor if we can raise the topamax because I've been getting a lot of headaches, anyway.  I feel like the headaches might be breakthrough symptoms or something.

...which is weird because, again,  I don't usually get headachey migraines.
Though now that I think about it? In the past year or so I've had two REALLY bad headaches that I can recall. They weren't blinding, but they were... debilitating to some extent.

I always compare head pain to my car accident head pain and they weren't like that, but they were pretty bad.

*sigh* I should probably get a neurologist again.

/me throws confetti.


Been there, done that, got the pill box.

So I went and saw Next to Normal today. [warning link has some spoilers in the synopsis. you probably figured that out, but just thought I'd mention] I mean, in case you didn't know already that I was going to see it. Because I haven't been able to shut the fuck up about it. Sorry.

It was good. The understudy was playing the lead, and that was a bit of a let down at first, but she did a great job. So it was fine. I just don't like unexpected things.
But I did like it. Some of it was funny, some of it made me want to cry. I saw it with my mom and she cried during some of it. She said afterward that she thought it was good and interesting and informative and she was glad she saw it.

Some of the things I could relate to a lot, and obviously, because we're all different and the situation in the musical is a little specific, some of it I couldn't.

There's a song about the lead and her psychopharmacologist and it's pretty funny.

I got a pill box with the show's logo and name on it.

One thing I pulled from the show [though maybe not directly from it], as I was thinking about stuff, is this idea that I've been pondering:

Even though we [as in the crazycrazies] are at times totally fucking nuts, we do have moments, days, weeks, months of clarity. We have to grasp these times and use them to our best advantage. We have to make the hard choices then, and instill in ourselves a trust to be carried through the madness that we made the right decision when we weren't crazy. Maybe that's impossible...
I really don't know.
I guess just thinking about it.
Maybe it's asking too much.


Gimme a reason to stay here...

I'm not doing much that I'm proud of lately. My grades are going to be crappy this semester. I'm not sure if there's any saving them. So that's a let down. And I'm really trying to get used to the idea of not having all A's.

It's upsetting. It's anxiety provoking. It makes me feel bad. I mean really bad.

"It's not worth doing if it's not done right"

Right is A's. Even the A minuses I got last semester... I mean, yeah they were good. But I had and still have this nagging feeling about them. I could have done better. So why didn't I? I mean, what was my problem, what was so bad that it cost me a measly couple of points?

I couldn't just push a teeny bit harder?
I don't know. 
I realize that's a little excessive. But I still think it.

Especially lately, I think "I'm pretty mediocre".

Because I am.
I used to feel, well, kind of special sometimes for one reason or another.
I'll grant that sometimes that "special" feeling was really "grandiosity".
However, I'm talking about a genuine feeling of "I'm a unique individual and special and proud of that because of A, B, C..."

I don't really feel that anymore?
I don't feel smart, like ever. In fact, most of the time, I'm trying to recover from feeling like a fucking idiot. I used to be all "I know I'm smart, and that's super cool" I don't know that anymore. I totally don't feel it. I can't demonstrate it to myself, I can't see it in action.

I sure as fuck don't feel pretty.
Which isn't the center of my universe, but lately I actually feel all awkward and poorly put together. And rugged and rough. It used to be "I like the way I look, and I feel good about that".
Not now. Where did that go?
I used to wear grocery cart seat belts for necklaces, because "why not?". That was what I wanted to do. 
There was little to no heels/skirt/makeup anxiety.

I don't feel like I have any talents either. Like nothing special. Everyone can do everything. Nothing special about me doing anything.

I'm mediocre at all the stuff I'm trying to do right now, in that I'm not really excelling at any thing. Not even one thing.   I don't feel like I can do anything and it's holding me back from even trying.

But no one even broaches the "[Josie] isn't doing a good job" subject anyway, which makes me feel weird.

Not at my internship.
Not with my partner project.
Not with my watercolor class.
Not as an administrator.

I don't know if I'll ever be me again. Be excited to be me. Anxiety has taken over a big part of my heart and my life. I feel like it's swallowing me up.


Double Plus Good

1. I'm totally going to see Next to Normal [plot- careful, spoilers!] with my mom in like two and a half weeks. I keep forgetting and then remembering and then getting all excited all over again. I'm totally wicked psyched. Like omg totally fer sure.

[ I think I just need to see that as a light at the end of this tunnel. Then I'll look for something else. ]

3. The Circus is in town and it's name is EPA. I think I'm going to go, since I'm a member and all, and it's like an hour and fifteen minutes from me, maybe an hour if I drive fast. I might only go for one of the days though and that makes me sad. But I have a lot of stuff to get done.

But it's cool. I think I'm gonna go.
I feel very privileged to be able to go.