The devil is in the exhale.

Recently, I had felt almost like I could breath again. But now I realize that was a false sense of security.

I'm still crazy. I'm still behind on my work. I'm still scared with a very very small support network.

But lately I've been thinking: Life in general is really fucking hard to deal with. It's likely not that bad, but I consistently perceive things as difficult because, likely, I have serious issues with general functioning in a dependable way.

I drove to my internship, about an hour and twenty minutes away, the other day. I made it there in and hour and forty because I got a little lost. I got so fucking lost on the way back that it took me over two hours.

I'm supposedly doing all of these good things, but I don't feel successful at all.
I'm not getting all A's this semester, and that's really hard to deal with. I know it sounds stupid, but it's just something that I expect from myself and that I just won't be able to do this time. It's really disappointing and makes me feel stupid and shitty.

I feel backed into a corner though. I have so much work.

I kind of, sometimes, feel like I'm about to go crazy. I feel the "pull" of the crazy, and it's tempting, almost in this weird way.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I just have to make it through to the end of this semester, and I've done it every other semester.
But this one... it seems like so much.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to collapse.
Because I'm such a wimp. I can't take it all on.

For some reason I keep trying.



I saw my GP today. About my brain and the migrainey stuff.

It didn't go as well as I had hoped.
I'm kind of at the top of the limit for the topamax and she didn't feel comfortable messing with that. Understandable.

She prescribed me something for when I get bad headache-type migraines, though and referred me to neurology.

She didn't seem very concerned about the neurological symptoms, but more concerned about the headaches.

Ok, the headaches:

The headaches kind of suck, yeah. But I've gotten into this state where it was just slowly progressing so that the headaches became kind of... normal. Like boiling frog. I'm a frog!!!

Anyway, the neurological stuff, it kind of interferes, too. I mean it can get to a point where I can't function. And I don't think she quite understands it, but I don't really blame her. I mean, it's weird.
I just...

I think I had a full blown neurological migraine, but I'm not sure; whatever it actually was, it kinda sucked.

I don't want it happening again. But it might. There's a really good chance it will, since we did nothing to my meds.
It really really bothers me. What if it happens during class? Last time I was in the study commons and thankfully I was talking online with Nal and with my friend K at the time and it didn't last too long. And it wasn't even THAT BAD. I don't know.

I feel like I suck for making such a big deal out of all of this.

I'm just worried. I feel like people don't get it. BF gets it. There's a little overlap in some of the stuff that I experience with my weird migraineness and some of the stuff he experiences sometimes with his seizures, so he gets it.
But, I can't really just explain to some one all of this crap. It's not simple.


And it's scary too.

I mean, I think I could have talked this time, but what if next time I can't?
I also love when I say things like that and am told I'm over reacting.
It has actually happened before that I have lost the ability to speak. Pretty sure if a basic means of communication is randomly cut off, it is not over reacting to be worried it will happen again.

I'm so sorry for venting my anxious little spleen like this but I'm a spaz and I don't see the neurologist for like a month and a half at least.

I guess I didn't really realize how bad it was getting and how much I was ignoring stuff until recently. And then I had a big "classic" migraine and then the thing that may or may not have been a full neurological migraine. [I don't think I can pretend at this point that anyone, including myself, actually knows how to classify this stuff]

But I've been having symptoms a lot lately anyway and just been ignoring it. There's been so much going on that I just doing have time to think about things.

I'm too busy dealing with not going crazy, I guess.



I'm going home tomorrow for the weekend.  I've made a couple of appointments.
Friday I have an appointment with my GP about my head and an appointment with my PDoc, also about my head.
Saturday I have an appointment with my TDoc.

I have a lot of work.
I mean a lot.

I'm freakin' tired. My room's a fucking mess.I got an offer to stay on at my current internship this summer for 120 hours over the summer with a stipend.

I don't know if I can do it. DAMMIT.


I'd love to meet Oliver Sacks.

So I've decided I'm definitely going to do something about the whole, uh, brain thing. The brain hurty thing. Not the brain crazy thing.

It's been at least since last summer, probably longer than that though, that I can remember having some "break through" migrainous symptoms. On top of that are the "little headaches", which I'm averaging about 3 a week probably? Sometimes more.

Then there have been two distinct times I remember having pretty severe headaches, and excedrin- or whatever the generic of that crap is called- wouldn't touch them and all I could do is ride them out. I remember one time feeling suddenly extremely nauseated but I don't know if it was near a time I had a headache or not, so.

The thing with those two headaches is, I mean, they were pretty bad. But I wouldn't think of calling them a migraine because when I think migraine headache? I think like, excruciating pain. I think the kind of head pain I had after my car accident when they had to give me an iv for it kind of pain. So every headache I get, I compare to that.

Though actually the headache itself can vary. My other migraines are a little wonky to begin with, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.  Then there's the whole thing that happened this past week with the headache and the prolonged awful feeling in the stomach.
Plus, I will randomly feel tired sometimes. I don't know if that's related, but I almost feel like maybe it's migrainous in origin. Maybe I'm just lazy.

I definitely need a new neurologist.

Since the... migraine/sickypooness/whatever, my head's not quite been on straight and I've felt, a few times, like I'm almost about to have one of my regular migraines....those tend to be bad. Sometimes scary.

Oh, I found this while wandering about the intarnets.
It's neat.