5.21.2011

Rundown of "the everyday".

Well, at least I haven't had another big huge classic migraine lately, right? Right... there's the "at least". The bad part is that I keep having head pain and "mini headaches" that last from 5-15 minutes that aren't, for the most part, anything past moderate. Which is good. Also have aura-type stuff but haven't had anything full blown. So I suppose the topiramate increase is helping. But I'm at 400 mg at this point and you'd think that would take care of it.

Only it's not. I've been giving it some time, but the time doesn't seem to be working either. I'm supposed to give it until this Thursday I think and then call. I don't know if I'm calling and saying "Can I talk to Dr. X" or "Can I leave a message for Dr. X" or just say "I came in about a month ago and I'm supposed to call around now and report back, blah blah blah..." Uck. I hate calling. I hate migraine crap. I had thought the med increase would be sufficient.

nope.
hooray.

She had mentioned a couple other meds to try, and then eventually Botox. That's right, Botox. But that won't take care of the auras, which she doesn't seem terribly concerned about.

But I am. They have in the least an annoying immediate effect on me and at the most a longer term, more extreme effect: sometimes they effect me for a couple days. They can make me unable to do anything in the short term and make me exhausted and unable to think as well in the longer term. But no one seems to worry as much about the auras. It's fucking frustrating.

Maybe I just worry too much.
I would like to retain my clarity of thought fairly consistently, however.

5.09.2011

Just crazy about finals.

School ended last week. I had my last “final” on Wednesday but couldn’t actually leave until Friday since I couldn’t get a ride. This turned out to be a good thing. My room was absolutely, positively mutherfucking trashed and it ended up I could use the time to get my shit together.

I spent Friday and Sturday night not sleeping much and Sunday night Not. Sleeping. At. All. Come around 4 o’clock Sunday morning I realize I’m typing a little fast, feeling a little “funny”, walking up and down the halls with a lot of fucking pep.

Just the fact that I am voluntarily walking up and down the halls should be a flag, really.

 I also have some pretty whacky ideas that are starting to come to me. I’m well into hypomanic and heading toward the grey area of manic but I can’t sleep because I have a paper due in three and a half hours and a painting due a few hours after that. I plan on going an hour late to the first final session, when the paper is due so it will buy me some time, but not a lot. I’m freaking out, but I have this strange kind of calm where I’m not do that thing where I crying until I can’t open my eyes anymore. Also, I’m feeling this almost… clarity. So. Yeah. Something is up with the brain. But I can’t stop to deal with that.

I don’t even finish the paper after all that but I wind up late to the session anyway, was supposed to present my paper, and did it anyway despite not having finished it. I got another extension on the paper.

A few days ago my laptop was taken with the paper on it, so I had to start it again. But I finished it, and it was a fucking bastard of a paper, and I got an A on it. Good thing, it is worth 25% of my grade.

I finished the painting after the first session with like a half hour of drying time to spare and the teacher loved it. I, on the other hand, thought it was a piece of crap.

Post Script:
Next time someone wants to ask me why I feel school is a threat to my mental health I will direct them here.

5.05.2011

In Your Heeeaaad [Zombie]

I am kind of starting to feel like some of this shit is in my head.
Or at least the part where it's getting worse.

I mean. I know that I have the migraines and they're weird and that exists. It has been pretty well established.

But. Ok.

I started taking 50 more milligrams of topiramate. And, while things aren't fabulous, nothing major major has happened.
Well. Had happened.

See-I had been telling BF that nothing huge had happened and a little while later I started getting a really significant headache, I mean really significant. So I have to wonder. Is this my fault?

Now it could be because the night before I had only gotten three hours sleep. But I feel like... that's not enough to trigger that.

I really feel stupid.
Like, I don't know, I'm just making this all up.
Only I'm not! ...I don't think.


I just want a normal brain.

But as it is I get these pains that aren't really too bad that are from 5-15 minutes that I'm not really calling headaches and these feelings that "things aren't quite right". As in, they are going to go wrong. In my brain.

Like I'm going to have a funky migraine. But for the most part, nothing happens.
And a lot of tingling. There is a LOT of tingling in my brain. That could be the topiramate, as one can't actually feel their own brain.

I'm tired a lot usually. Only the other night I just couldn't sleep for some reason.

I'm close to just cutting all neurologists out of my life, and doing the "everything is fine, thank you" thing.

And now I have a presentation, a final painting and paper, and a final paper to do. And I am having a hell of a time doing any of it.

I just want to leave already.

5.01.2011

Several days later. Still a bit pissed.



Ok, here goes...

I was in a pretty brutal car accident several years ago. In the ER, I had to blow for a breathalizer, and was so hysterical and just completely out of it-head injuries will do that to a person- I yelled at a cop for even making me blow because I couldn't imagine anyone drinking and driving.

I went to see my neurologist afterward because I had some weird stuff going on.

Come to find out, all these years later, in my records, my neurologist put at various parts things like “I recommended that if she continue to use alcohol that she not drive anymore” and “The police officers suspected intoxication”.

The first one... I don't actually recall ever having a conversation about my habits of alcohol usage. So he doesn't actually know. I do recall a couple specific conversations where I told him that alcoholism runs in my family.

He was generally big asshole to me anyway, getting irritated if I told him that I was still having headaches and odd things happen. Often assuming if I was upset it was because I'm bipolar- not because, perhaps, my brain is acting odd, it's getting to a point where it is interfering with my life, and everyone including my neurologist just likes to point out that I'm crazy all the time.

...and that second one? Yeah that's beautiful.
It regarded another driving incident in which I had “maybe a seizure maybe not” [ok it had like every symptom of a seizure. If you want to call it a complex migraine, you go right ahead]. I was driving at the time, and I was pulled over because someone reported that I was driving erratically. They took me to the ER and called my neurologist. DID NOT BREATHALIZE ME. Why? Because they didn't suspect I was drunk, they were concerned. Who calls a neurologist if you think someone's drunk?

So, that was an out right lie.

And there are various things sprinkled in here and there. Including suggestions that I would show up to appointments intoxicated. I- really?

I don't understand this. I'm kind of shocked. And I don't want to have an argument about this with anyone- how he is just doing his job, interpreting what he sees, is obligated to write down a clinical opinion... the bottom line is that I am now portrayed as an irresponsible drunk. Which simply isn't true. And instead of investigating suspicions, which would be reasonable and prudent, this asshole simply seemed to write down whatever random idea came into his head.

I'm fucking pissed because I just don't drink and drive. It's a fucking THING.
Also, like, I wanted to give these records to my new neurologist, and luckily she hasn't really asked for them but I'm sure at some point they would be useful. But. Fuck. Fuck him. In the ear.



Anyway. New Neurologist?

That went well.
She wasn't all scary.
She was like "We can do the long term monitoring again, since that was several years ago" I was like "Seriously? Is that really necessary?"

And then she kinda veered away from that and we settled on raising my topamax and seeing if that's going to help.

So hopefully that wil help and I won't have to add another med and things will be hunky and dory.