6.19.2011

Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

I don't know what I'm doing right now.
I mean, I sort of know what I'm doing.

That is, I seem to be stomping around, crashing about, making a lot of noise, bitching and moaning about how things are so hard, and life sucks and I can't possibly manage because I'm craaaaaaaaaazy.

Though, to be honest- while things are difficult right now and I am crazy, and pretty stressed out, I probably don't need to be in the driver seat of the bus to loonyville. I mean, I should think one would hope to avoid that sort of thing.

On the other hand, my summer does seem to be "jam packed full of fun activities!" which can on occasion incite some actual waterworks.

So, what to do? There isn't really anything that I can back out of.
I'm stuck in the two classes I'm taking because it's money already spent. I have to do the internship because it's attached to one of the classes- don't do the internship, fail the class, fail the class, I'm screwed.
So, that's a no-go.

Need money so have to work.
Which means, most weeks I have one day off by chance, which I spend driving an hour down to my boyfriend's house and an hour back. Some weeks, I will be working in the morning and then driving the hour down and back.

This is... quite the little set up for disaster, I feel. I mean I suppose I can do it, I just don't really feel it's the healthiest thing for me.  In the midst of all that I have to see my therapist and psychiatrist and find an apartment as well.

I know, I know, I DO prattle on.
I just can't shut up.

I don't know how I got myself here. I don't know how to get out of the knot I tied myself in. I'm not really well.

My sister will be home for a good part of the summer and that's... going to be interesting.

We actually tend to make eachother insane.

6.13.2011

Put me out.

Just… whatever.

I don’t know if I want to actually deal with anything. As if that was an option.
People keep saying I’m really busy, or I have a full schedule or a lot to do. I know this. I really do. I don’t want to hear it. Over and over. As if I’m not aware. That I’m at risk of losing it.

I had my internship today. It was ok. I got to see and pet some horsies, but didn’t do much interesting other than that because I’m not trained yet. I did some stupid stuff and can’t make decisions- some old bullshit as per usual.
I don’t think I’ll be riding.
I’m pretty sure I’m too fat and I’ll hurt the horses.
...with the attainment of this knowledge I've reached a Brand. New. Low.

Excuse me while I go struggle through the homework that I was supposed to have finished already.

6.08.2011

Books.

Hmm... OK.
I guess I'm happier. I guess I'm alright... ish.

But sitting here I suddenly feel like, I don't know, I want out. That everything is just too much.

I always find myself in these situations. Where everything is just piled on, higher and higher, to the point of almost tipping. But it doesn't. Somehow I DON'T totally and completely flip my shit and have to quit my job, drop out of school, take a huge handful of meds. Not lately anyway.

I imagine my life as a stack of books, each thing another book piled on top of the other. I try to not breath to heavily or everything is going to fall on my head.

I have this one class that I am taking at the local community college. [one book] Another class that I am taking online through my regular school. [two books] The internship hours that go along with that class. [three books] My part-time job. [four books]

Being crazy/ having a boyfriend/finding an apartment [five six seven books]
Some books you always have to haul around [like being crazy] but how well does a person do trying to run around carrying a stack of seven books?

Now and then I pause and think "I'm not really happy. Actually? I think I'd like to die."

It's pretty likely that is reverting to an old habit more than anything else.