Seize the Day.

I have migraines. I think. 

I was diagnosed with "complex migraine syndrome" some time around 2005.
Which is fun. It's awesome being diagnosed with something that is not really an actual recognized syndrome, so you wander around explaining over and over and over to health professionals exactly what your neurologist meant when he blessed you with such a thing.

I get language, cognitive, sensation distortions.
Disortions of space. Shit looks big, small, I am looking through a "fisheye" lens.

My head blowsup like a balloon and gets stuffed with cotton. I get disoriented.

My eyes feel like they are bugging out of my head and sometimes I sink into the floor or couch.

I forget about the whole speech thing sometimes.

I feel slow. I'm really just... not all there.

After or before- or both- I'm tired and cranky. Sometimes I get a headache along with this shit. Most of the time if I have a head pain it's long before or long after an "episode".
But I have had mega headaches, including associated nausea and fatigue, that last for forever.

And these "episodes"... they last quite a while.

I saw my neurologist today and told her that the migraines are getting worse. The "weird, freaky" migraines, that is. But I'm getting less headaches generally, which is an improvement.

She's concerned they are seizures. 
I'mm not. 
She wants me to do an ambulatory EEG.
I do not want to do this. I have done this before.

So I spent several minutes trying to establish that I'm not having seizures, they are too long, it's been investigated, it doesn't make sense, blah blah blah.

She spent several minutes saying it's certainly possible they are seizures- some seizures can last a long time, you can have migraines and epilepsy, the tiredness surrounding them is characteristic of seizures.

But the prodrome and postdrome of migraines can consist of a lot of weird shit, too.

I really don't think I have epilepsy, but what if I do?
I was still getting this shit when on 300mg of topamax and 300mg of lamictal. Not as often but...

Thinking about it? There was an increase after stopping the lamictal.

I'm pissed off. I kind of want to not do the EEG.
If I am having seizures, it's one more notch on the case... one more thing I don't want.
Another thing that I have to convince other people is actually legitimate, so I can then get proper treatment and pretend I don't actually have it.

It's not seizures; I just happen to have a form of migraines that don't really exist.


Dr. P is on vacation.

I left my internship today to drive forty five minutes to go to an appointment. When i got there, and said "Hi my name is [Josie] and I have an appointment at 1 oclock with Dr. P", her response was "Dr. P is on vacation".

And then she just stared at me. That's all, just... nothing.

I told her, that was a bit funny because I have the appointment card right here.

She looks into the computerness and discovers "AHA" the office manager manager apparently made a switch to my appointment, it's on the 30th.
And also, no one bothered to tell me.

 Since seeing my neurologist I've had I think four headache/migraines... [or heffalumps and woozles- which is really just as accurate a description], two of which I used the Fioricet for.

Fioricet is acetaminophen, caffeine and a barbiturate. I don't really like taking it. I also don't like feeling as though my brain is trying to claw it's way out of my skull, so sometimes I just take the Fioricet. I have "regular" headaches pretty often.

I had to go home from work one night because I knew I was going to get a migraine and I kinda was pissed about that.

I knew when I started to feel floaty, headachey, and slow... it was time to go.
My head felt like cotton.

So I went home, felt weird for a while, then slept it off. Felt a little funky for a while, but it seemed to work out.

The thing is, I'm getting a lot of subtle "subthreshold" weird migraines. [or, well, they aren't exactly migraines. They're like... Cognitive Anomalies or something?]

I kinda... don't even want to deal with this. I can't even really explain what is going on, so the legitimacy is constantly questioned.

Can't I just be crazy?