aahhhh... let's try this again.

So, I'm going to try to go to McLean for DBT.

Research in the past on DBT groups has lead me to a dead end because I am bipolar, not borderline, and this presents a problem for many of the providers who offer DBT.

I'm sketched out because I really really really really REALLY don't fucking want to be in a group therapy situation, but the chances of finding a one-on-one situation offering DBT are even less.

I am, slowly but surely, reaching the end of the line.

I am truly fucking crazy right now.

I totally flipped my shit night before last and just, really couldn't tell what was my insanity talking and what was reality. But it was like an OCD/anxiety/panic hurricane in my mind, very messy, very scary,


I'm feeling a lot of "free floating anxiety", though it's really just the bottom layer.
On top of that is a little bit of paranoia, specific anxiety about my future, and there's some panic that I'm REALLY REALLY trying to not let sneak in.

I can feel my heart getting faster and my chest feels kind of tight and my stomach hurts.

I'm having trouble concentrating and making sense of a lot of things, I think.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of things wrong?

And also... that I'm supposed to be doing something, anything else, but "taking a break". I feel a push to be going, going, going. VERY anxious that I'm not doing classically productive things right this very second [schoolwork?].

But I don't have any PRNs, because I decided I didn't need them, because everything was going just swimmingly.

I feel exhausted on top of all of this, though my sleep has been shit. I kind of have an aversion to sleep right now.

I feel wound very tight, and sad, and a little confused. I don't know what to do when I need to relax or whatever.

Kind of freaking out.


I suck / cleaning up?

We decided to drop the luvox and the lithium, after my compliance with those two specifically had been so random as to be a joke, and we couldn't even get a consistent lithium level.

My doctor and I discussed it and decided to see how things go.
I'm sick of being on 7 [or 8?] meds, and, well, there's never a good time anyway so why not now?

Meanwhile, due to unrelated circumstances, I'm destroying relationships left and right.

I'm unhappy with what the future holds. I want to change it.
I'm not sure the best way to go about it, and with a little unintentional poking from a friend, I've ended up swatting at anything/anyone that gets close.

Am I just destined to fail at "happy, healthy and normal"?

Whatever. All melodrama under the bridge.

I'm not going to be "fixed". I'm not going to change dramatically. I'm not going to have some miraculous epiphany that makes everything ok.

Life sucks. I suck.
I just need to learn some coping skills.