11.24.2011

Guilty.



Guilt.

I don't remember when it started. At some point, I didn't really give much of a fuck, though. I just didn't care. If I offended someone or there was a bunch of inappropriate [in my view] whining about some thing I did, tough titty. I just did what I wanted. Not that I didn't consider my actions, but it was pretty difficult to garner sympathy or regret from me when I did stuff once I decided to do it.

Now? I have guilt. All the time. About everything. I feel as though I have done something wrong and there was a better path/option/behavior that I could have chosen all the time.

I am feeling particularly guilty right now, though it admittedly makes little sense.

Last night we had tacos. There were ten taco shells and lots of various things to put inside them. There were five people eating and I only felt like eating one taco at the time of dinner because I just suddenly felt full.
A few hours later I was kind of hungry again but there were still taco shells left so I had another taco. That... should be ok, right?

Only I feel bad now. I can't explain why exactly. What if someone was planning on eating it and looking forward to it but now there's only one left... and...uh... something.. I don't know.

Guilt just rides my ass all the time about everything. But especially, I've noticed, about food. I USUALLY ask everyone in the house if they want something before I eat it. With the taco thing, everyone was asleep at the time.

Guilt guilt guilt. Everything is my fault. All the time.

11.05.2011

No rest for the occasionally mischievous.

I keep staying up until 430/5/530.

Even when there's nothing else keeping me up, this inexplicable aversion to sleep takes hold. Almost afraid sometimes, but not quite there.

This evening, I suddenly felt really really tired, then things slowed down. Then my brain just stopped cooperating and nothing seemed right. I just wasn't perceiving things correctly and I couldn't really understand what was going on in chat conversations. So I stopped trying.

...then it was gone. Now I'm tired, but a different kind of tired. Like physical exertion tired, not sleepy tired.

This is fairly typical. And pissing me off.
I'm going to call my neurologist on monday, but until anything gets figured out, this is what I have to deal with, suck up, move on from. Like every day.

Anyway, plan for next week: GP, PDoc, TDoc. Hopefully chiropractor, maybe neuro tests if at all possible.


...watching Blood+ now.
It won't fix anything, but at least my name isn't Saya.