11.10.2012

Decompensation

I didn't realize how bad it was until I went over to BoyFriend's today.
I started out with "Hi!" and ended up with "...and people wonder why I have no faith in any kind of future for myself!" with tears streaming down my face...

I started work and that was ok.
Only I have this pressurey-angsty-stress-anxiety paranoid crap going on. I'm in a new place with new people so the OCD is acting up.

What happens with that is the most salient feature tends to pop up. This would be, most severely, the thing where I feel like everyone is being extremely critical of me constantly. And it's not a thought process. I don't know exactly if people understand this when I explain it. It's not a step by step process where
1- I see people talking
2- I wonder what they are talking about
3- I think they are talking about me
4- I think they are talking about me in a critical way
5- I also think it is very negative/no one likes me/I'm doing something wrong, etc.

It's a FEELING. I feel this for an extended amount of time.
So that it's almost tangible. I can feel the critical nature of everyone's opinion of me.

But of course I can't actually, it's impossible.

But I can't stop a feeling. This is why thought stopping, talking back to "thoughts" and such don't work. It's not really thoughts. It's a feeling.

I also can't apply for food stamps, I have some money I'm saving for when I may possibly go bonkers again. I need that money to pay my rent.

If I don't have that money and I go nuts, I won't be able to pay rent.

But if I have that money, I'm not eligible for food stamps, which I could really use, to lighten the load on my mental health, which gets strained by working, which I should not have to do to support myself because I'm on ssdi because I CAN'T SUPPORT MYSELF.

Anyone follow that?


I am going to have to work a certain number of hours, hope I don't go crazy. A-I may go crazy. I have some money saved in case I go crazy. It would lessen the chance of me going crazy if I could get food stamps. I can't get food stamps because I have a back up plan in case [see point A] I go crazy. If I get rid of the back up plan and spend down my savings and then get food stamps and work less, there is still point A- I may go crazy. In which case I'm up SHIT CREEK WITH OUT A PADDLE. I know how much the max is that I could get for food stamps, how much my utilities are and how much my ssdi is. There is no way I could afford it.

So I am in this fucking fucktastic mess, praying that I miraculously turn into this person that I am not. I feel under so much fucking pressure.

I start the stuff I've never done before tomorrow and I am fucking terrified.

I don't know how anyone does it.

I really don't.

10.18.2012

done.

I'm quitting school. And my mother thinks I haven't yet made this decision. But it's done. It's made. I know because I woke up feeling like I could breathe, like I wasn't going to probably die by my own hand in the next six months or less, I could do a couple chores, a weight felt lifted off my shoulders. This is not an easy decision. I have been working toward my degree for about ten years, but I would prefer to be happy and alive then be miserably working my way toward death. And I'm sure everyone thinks I'm overly dramatic because I'm really good at faking that things aren't so bad. And when I'm not faking it, I'm logical and articulate, so things can't possibly be as horrible as I'm able to explain they are.

10.03.2012

Weird.

I don't really... know how to talk about this.

I don't feel like doing school. It holds no importance for me anymore. It's just a thing. I don't really care.
I'm missing classes because I can't get my ass out of bed at 11am.

This is really ridiculous. I don't really give a fuck though. Like I'm kinda doing the work, but it holds no meaning for me. I would rather sink into a hole.

I wonder if I'm depressed again/still/whatever. But I don't really feel it.

In fact, skipping class doesn't even make me nervous. There must be something going on, like- I just don't care.

I don't know why or what it means.

8.06.2012

Hear me out.

So this may sound, particularly to those who aren't intimately acquainted with gluten intolerance and associated issues, completely wackadoodle.

...I used to have really crazy ass anger problems and my mood problems used to be- believe it or not- much worse than what goes on now. I wasn't violent or dangerous, but I had pretty much zero frustration tolerance and just was angry all the time.

Then I went off gluten, dairy, eggs, and gave soy and dyes a pretty wide berth. It didn't occur to me until recently but that's around the time that my anger issues basically dissipated. I always assumed it just metamorphosed into anxiety and I somehow buried it deep down and it came up anxiety.

What if one of the major things that gluten does to me is more than just irritability? What if it's rageyrageyangerness?

I really think this is possible. I've been basically off my diet for the past two+ months and been getting angrier and angrier.

MEANWHILE, ~BACK AT THE RANCH...

so I've been trying to get back on the lithium and it's just been one ridiculous befuddlement after another. I was having stomach problems that are actually psychosomatic [because at one point I had actual stomach problems], so my doctor presented with the idea of liquid. The pharmacy didn't have it in stock so gave me another kind of tablet, and I ran out and then found out they never ordered the liquid. I forgot to call my doctor and they still haven't ordered the liquid. My doctor has now gone on vacation. 
I've been on and off lithium for the past few months a few times because of the stomach thing and having developed a very serious aversion to it.


My plan now, as silly as it may seem, is to start the gf diet again, then progress to no eggs or dairy and see where that is then reassess my mood/anger issues. Then to go back to the lithium.

By that point my brain and body should be more stable and I should actually be able to see where I really am.

I know it might sound ridiculous however to those who don't have experience with this kind of thing. But it's real, and really affects me, so I'm going to try.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

6.30.2012

Welcome to OCD, the land of the ridiculous.

It's strange. My OCD is much more obsessive, but I do have some compulsions. Things that make me very very uncomfortable, and just put me more at ease if I do them. But like most of my life, they are rarely exacting and consistent.

The pump on the shampoo bottle and the conditioner bottle have to be pumped a certain number of times. This can get high, most of the time being 17,18 or 19 though sometimes being 23 or 25. Not 21. Never 21.

If I have pumped it and put it in my hair and I feel wrong, I have to condition my hair, rinse it out and do it again.

How is it "wrong" or "right"? I don't know. I don't know what cosmic entity enforces this stuff, but it's so stupid you can't make it up.

I also have opposing compulsions.

If there are tables with borders, I really feel more comfortable lining things up right in the corner of the border. It's just "better".
However, I don't like glasses and things like that [anything that could possibly break], near an edge unless I can watch it, and even then it should be at least three inches in.

So this is a problem. I guess I solve it by fidgeting with stuff.
Which I suppose is annoying as fuck to some people.


...as i said, I'm not sure you can make this shit up.

6.22.2012

Pay it forward.

A stranger bought me a car the other day.

...I was at Target, debating whether I wanted to buy the bottle of blood orange soda or the "vintage" style matchbox [which cost all of 2.64] and finally decided on the soda. I placed the car aside and sighed. This gentleman looks at me and looks at the car and understands what just happened.

"You aren't going to get that?"

"No, ha. You have to make some tough decisions sometimes"

I smiled but he went on:
"How much is the car?"

"2.64?" I said, puzzled.

"Ok, I'll buy it for you"

I kind of resisted, and with stuff like this I'm never sure if it's ok to just let the person do the nice thing. Because in my mind, why can't people just do nice things for other people? But I've always been given the impression that it's not ok to accept people doing nice things. On the other hand, people always say that you should do nice things.

So I had a little internal tug of war that was halted when immediately following my transaction he grabbed the car and said loudly "OK SCAN THIS FOR ME BUT GIVE IT TO HER!"

After I say "Yay! I have a car!", he just smiles and says "Just pay it forward"

6.09.2012

It really shouldn't be this complicated... right?

I'm frustrated, I honestly don't know what to do.
To catch anyone up to speed who hasn't run across this:
I freaked out at work because it was getting gradually more and more difficult to be there until ultimately I just had a total melt down. This is due to OCD and such that has just been hammering at my brain, and was already doing so before I even started the job. 

Work seemed to exacerbate it further.

So I had this flip out thing, and I went home that day [Saturday].
They said if it would help, not to come in today [Monday]. I thought it definitely would help since my next shift isn't until Thursday. Only my psychiatrist doesn't see the real urgency of the situation, as in "[Josie] may lose her job" and won't try to make an emergency appointment. 
Err... ok, I accept that. It's her call, maybe I'm being demanding...?

So my next appointment isn't until Thursday... the same day as the next shift I'm supposed to work. Now if we could have raised the luvox and done some other weird prn magic I was thinking maybe it would help.

Though now I don't see my psychiatrist until Thursday and work said they were really hoping they could count on me to make my shift Thursday.

So I'm in a bind. I really have doubts that work will, uh, work without making some kind of change first.
I don't want to get fired.
But then I'm thinking, raising the luvox might even mess with my sleep.
My mother thinks that I should do shorter shifts.
I feel really frustrated and I also will have to deal with being treated "differently". Also, having shorter shifts, as in four hours, you get no break. That's just how it is.
I don't know if I can do that.

But if I have a longer shift, it becomes more and more overwhelming as well.
However, the day I flipped out I had only been there about ten or fifteen minutes.

My mother is convinced this will happen anywhere new any time.

I'm not. I'm particularly vulnerable right now as I'm trying to find a new apartment and I'm having "flareups" to begin with.

Basically, I'm looking at- do I continue, knowing it may possibly make me crazier, or not, risking losing some ground [vocationally and financially] ?

If I go really nuts, it puts my fall classes in jeopardy, if I don't continue with the job, basically it just really sucks a whole lot. Everyone is likely disappointed, possibly mad, doesn't understand completely, and deep down actually will think I'm not trying hard enough
But I am much less likely to lose my marbles.
Isn't sanity the point here?

I just don't know.

5.21.2012

Reality show.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping.

What happened is that a while ago, I wasn't all that great with keeping up with my meds and wasn't feeling well and was generally having trouble keeping up with just life. I saw my doctor and we came up with some ways to remember to take my meds more regularly. Since I've been doing that, I started having trouble with sleep.

Specifically what started happening, that hadn't happened before, is that I couldn't fall asleep usually until 12, 1230, 100 [stometimes later]. The absolute latest I would be able to sleep until was about 630 in the morning. This usually averaged to about 5 hours of sleep. This went on for about two and a half weeks, maybe a little longer.
I am someone who can handle that for a couple days, but as a general rule I need about 8.5-9 hours I think.

So I ended up exhausted, but I had a sneaking suspicion it was the fluvoxamine at the root of these issues. I switched it to the morning instead of the night. It seemed, for a couple days, like my sleep might be morphing into something acceptable.

Then, a couple nights ago I didn't sleep. I don't mean I had trouble sleeping and only got a little bit here and there. I mean I literally didn't sleep. I stayed up about thirty hours, slept about an hour, then slept again that night [at a "normal" time].  That ended up being a very choppy and fitful sleep which left me feeling drunk every time I tried to get up until 2pm. 

This brings us to last night.

I couldn't get to sleep until I think 130ish. And then-surprise, surprise- it's 615 and I'm up again. 

Sigh.

I used to have sleep problems like this sans medication a lot when I was younger. But I have also had long periods where my sleep was fairly predictable.

The real problem, as I see it, is that I'm starting to get paranoid. They tell me [doctors and such] that it's a small part true paranoia, a big part OCD because of the way my thought process goes. 
Regardless of the origin or mechanism, I've also had true paranoia before and the result is much the same: you get anxious and don't trust your thoughts entirely and it's uncomfortable and sucky.

I found myself searching my shower walls and ceiling for ten minutes yesterday, looking for even the tiniest hole that someone might put maybe a microscopic camera through to film me. 
It makes no sense. 
Even at the time, it Made. No. Sense.
I knew it was stupid, made no sense, that there was no logic to it, even as I felt the compulsion to look.

And the whole "Someone is filming me in the shower" bit? 
That's certainly a new one on me.

5.04.2012

The Midnight Crazies

I'm not sure what it is I want to say, but wherever I say it, there I am...

I've been having these periods of time late at night. For the most part it is when I am in bed and going to sleep and shutting everything down. I may or may not have music on. I have my blankets bundled around me. Taking deep breaths and sort of sinking into the mattress.

Well, trying to.

I get these thoughts. It starts often as an idea, or something I need to tell someone, something I want to do. Then suddenly we are off and running. I have about a thousand ideas about Life the Universe and Everything. The reason I don't get out of bed and write it all down is because I'm afraid it will keep me up for four hours.

I don't stop for a while. It just flows on and on and on.

It feels racy.

Creative, new, exciting.

...Manicky- - -but not.

I'm not having these thoughts so much during the day for the most part.
It's really odd.

I'm so bored. Bored with myself. I'm boring. I can't do anything right now. I'm trying so hard to do things. Even when I work through doing it, it's just meh. Everything is meh.

I want to sleep. I can't sleep. I don't sleep.

I lie awake anxious at night, trying to escape the mundane day-to-day that all just adds up to "meh".

meh.

5.01.2012

Mix it up.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she said I seem to be in a mixed state. Which I guess makes sense. It just didn't occur to me. I had just been labeling it "feel like crap". But the agitation and extreme anxiety and the sleep problems and the random things that seem funny and the depressed feelings and the sadness and hopelessness and... I don't know.
The everything.
There's more.

I kind of flipped out while talking to someone last night.

I'll write about what that was about more clearly when I feel a little more up to it. But basically, it was about how everything is work, and difficult. People don't understand this. It doesn't come naturally to get out of bed and take a shower and eat breakfast and things like that. It takes energy out of the daily pot, which at this point is maybe half full to begin with.

It takes self-coaching and skills to get all these things down.

"Nothing is routine when you are crazy" is I think the little gold nugget that came out of my ranting and raving.

People always talk about establishing a routine.
When it feels like it is hard to do everything it's not routine, it's a struggle.

I'll make more sense when I feel a little better.

I will feel better.
I just don't have a timeline for that.

4.19.2012

Forcing it.

I'm trying so hard to turn shit around, but my brain keeps resisting.

I had to remind myself today that motivation isn't always there and sometimes you have to power through it.
I had been laying in bed a lot of the day, or on the couch, or kind of looking at this paper that was due Wednesday but is now due Monday. I wasn't adding much to it; I felt tired and overwhelmed. Whenever I would try to wake up and get started again I would feel tired and overwhelmed.

Motivation is a slippery beast.
It doesn't always come when you want it to and it doesn't often stay for long.

There's a notion of action BEFORE motivation. We rely too much on motivation to push us through. But sometimes it's not there, hasn't been there for a while, and won't be there for a while to come. That's when you need to do just one thing.

One. Thing.

And go on from there.

My one thing was throwing myself out of bed ["1,2,3 UP!"] as I so often need to and going to make coffee. I would deal with the rest of the day from there. But I made coffee and plopped myself in front of the computer. Might as well start the paper again.

Things are messed up.

But I did make progress on my paper, took a shower, scheduled two appointments, ordered a book I need for class, and baked some chicken.

That doesn't sound like a lot.
Also, the chicken wasn't very good. But that's not the point.

I just need to keep breathing.
[Oh the irony]

4.13.2012

Sucking it up.

I have been having more and more trouble getting to the pharmacy lately which makes me miss meds which messes me up even more than I am already messed up.

I decided to take some steps to fix this, suck it up, and call my best friend for help [*gasp*]. She agreed that her and her husband would take me to the pharmacy a few times a month if I need it, since they live less than ten minutes away. This will make it much easier to keep my prescriptions in line and on time.

I'm not doing great, but I'm trying.

3.26.2012

I'm counting UFOs

For a while I started to not sleep right or enough, and ended up getting 5ish hours of sleep a night.
It started to subtly tweak with my mood state. There was nothing severe or dramatic, no big switch was thrown. But by my spring break I found myself painting all the time, routinely up at 530, 500, 430. A little more outgoing, with this tension building, and a bit less tolerance for people and life in general.

At the end of the week I had completed four acrylic paintings and was starting on a fifth, when usually I get done one every week or two.

I knew around wednesday that things weren't right. I called my doctor but she wasn't in. I talked to the doctor standing in for her and we agreed upon risperidone, which I have taken before. started taking.
It helps.

A little too much.

I have now reached the point where I take the risperdal and I feel sedated, unmotivated, sluggish and foggy most of the next day, even on .5 mg. I have to talk to my doctor, whom I just saw, and tell her this.

It sucks. I think it's also possible that the luvox is doing this, I just have a feeling. I can't imagine why though. I'd hate to take it away, as it really had seemed to help with the ocd shit. But now the ocd stuff is going a little bit haywire too.

I'm exceedingly frustrated

3.20.2012

Restriction and "choice".

Choice.

People talk about choices all the time. Like it's tangible, and you can hold it in your hand, roll it around your palms, really feel the edges and bumps of a situation that we call a "choice". As if you could see into every nook and cranny, even flatten it out with a rolling pin if you so desire until it is tissue paper thin and you can see the morning light through it. That would, after all, be your choice to do so.

When I think of choices, I think mostly of food.

And I think of food most of the time because people always tell me that I have a choice to be "fat" or "thin", to eat what my body is able to handle or to eat what it is sensitive to and will make it feel bad.

And most people, without thinking, say this with an air of carelessness that I would equate to inviting someone's recently deceased grandmother over for tea. They are not ever aware of the seriousness of their mistake. Often they are not restricted from many or any foods or do not have a disordered pattern of eating.

To tell me that I have a choice to pick what I eat and make it sound as easy as picking out a pair of underwear in the morning, is simply to be a big fucking asshole.

And frankly? In the morning I will often change my bra and underwear three or four times before going out. That does not get ingested and has no bearing on anything, as no one will see it most days and my body does not rely on it for its well being. That is the level of difficulty I am having with decision-making at this point.

Frankly, I'm pissed that when I say "I have a really hard time lately sticking to my restricted diet", I get an eyeroll and a sigh even from those closest to me.

Because, you know what?
I'm happy for all these people that feel they could do a better job.
They have the impression eating is simple.When you go to a restaurant and there is one thing on the menu you can eat, you feel annoyed and frustrated- but it is someone's birthday so you say nothing. 

See? Simple.
Some people have it in their head that it should be easy to find something that you actually want to eat when you are on a road trip and "stop for a snack". [a lot of the time it's like... Red Bull and beef jerky, because I've already had so much fruit that day- one of a handful of things that is portable and I can eat- that my body is starting to complain.]

I'm glad that everyone on earth could do a better job taking care of my body and sticking to the ideal diet that works best for it..

I propose this: Try it for a week.

3.14.2012

I just can't EVEN.

I just need to get this out.
And, well, it is what it is.
I'm doing ok, but I'm not.

I'm not keeping up with my appointments with fucking ANYONE. I mean anyone. I feel exhausted all the time and occasionally like I've just been deprived of oxygen for an extended period.

  • I haven't seen my disability coordinator twice now.
  • I need to finish applying for a loan so I'm not flipping my shit and trying to scramble for rent money in a few months. Only, I haven't done that.
  • I have to call my doctor's office. My regular doctor. Two separate individuals from the office have been trying to get a hold of me for a week and a half- two weeks now. oops
  • I haven't seen my new therapist for, um... a matter of weeks.
  • Same with the new psychiatrist.

So what's my problem?
I have migraines coming out my ass, I feel tired and a little stressed out from school.
But the thing is, I feel like, going to classes is my limit.
That's it. Classes, I can handle. You add all this extra appointment bullshit and it's just too fucking much. It's like having a job.

I'm also pissed because my neurologist's office called, said something 'suspicious' [oooohhhhh boogity!] came up on the eeg and said I have to do an ambulatory one. I don't want to miss classes but they won't let me do it on the weekend and they want it done ASAP. Like this coming week. So I have to fucking go to class with it. I am so not happy about this that words can't even describe.

I missed class today because I was just so overwhelmed with the overwhelmingness that I thought I was going to start crying or start running down the street naked. I can miss four classes before it even starts affecting my grade at ALL, and I'm doing really well, so I figured it was ok.

But see? See the craziness? I will miss class cause I don't feel like it but not because I have a fifty-legged electrical spider strapped to my skull.

I am kind of fucked up about the EEG.

Because here's the thing: I kind of felt, like, "deep within my heart of hearts" that something could come up. And even though I was all bravado "It's not a big deal there's no reason to have it done it's not going to show anything" the real reason was that I was scared something was going to come up. and now... meh...

I mean deep down when I'm really honest with myself I'm pretty sure there's something neurologically funky there beyond "migraines". I don't know what it is. Whatever it is is steadily getting worse.

And I'm pissed.

I mean really, is that absolutely necessary?

3.07.2012

I want to be a jerk.

There's this inner tension I'm feeling. Pretty much constantly. Like I'm afraid I'm going to turn to someone and just be like "Ok, could you shut the fuck up? Hmm? Just, please? Do us all a fucking favor."

I feel a little short tempered.

I feel a little paranoid like everyone is talking about me, and no one likes me and I'm irritating and pissing everyone off.

I'm sleeping around 5 hours a night. Sometimes I wake up at like 430. For NO. REASON.
This morning I was up at 630. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, folded my clothes, cleaned my room, took a shower and worked on a painting all before eleven. Oh and had breakfast.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is not the Josie we've all come to know and love.

I mean, it's good to get that done, but what follows it up, quite shortly, is a little irritability, a lot more paranoia, more impulsivity, lack of attention to important things.

I called my doctor but she's out of the office for the week and I talked to someone standing in for her. He was really nice and seemed really competent and listened to my concerns.
He came up with a low dose of risperdal/risperidone temporarily at bedtime to try to get me some sleep and even me out.
...which is what I've done in the past. Ta Da! Someone who knows what they are doing!

it's amazing!