I'm counting UFOs

For a while I started to not sleep right or enough, and ended up getting 5ish hours of sleep a night.
It started to subtly tweak with my mood state. There was nothing severe or dramatic, no big switch was thrown. But by my spring break I found myself painting all the time, routinely up at 530, 500, 430. A little more outgoing, with this tension building, and a bit less tolerance for people and life in general.

At the end of the week I had completed four acrylic paintings and was starting on a fifth, when usually I get done one every week or two.

I knew around wednesday that things weren't right. I called my doctor but she wasn't in. I talked to the doctor standing in for her and we agreed upon risperidone, which I have taken before. started taking.
It helps.

A little too much.

I have now reached the point where I take the risperdal and I feel sedated, unmotivated, sluggish and foggy most of the next day, even on .5 mg. I have to talk to my doctor, whom I just saw, and tell her this.

It sucks. I think it's also possible that the luvox is doing this, I just have a feeling. I can't imagine why though. I'd hate to take it away, as it really had seemed to help with the ocd shit. But now the ocd stuff is going a little bit haywire too.

I'm exceedingly frustrated


Restriction and "choice".


People talk about choices all the time. Like it's tangible, and you can hold it in your hand, roll it around your palms, really feel the edges and bumps of a situation that we call a "choice". As if you could see into every nook and cranny, even flatten it out with a rolling pin if you so desire until it is tissue paper thin and you can see the morning light through it. That would, after all, be your choice to do so.

When I think of choices, I think mostly of food.

And I think of food most of the time because people always tell me that I have a choice to be "fat" or "thin", to eat what my body is able to handle or to eat what it is sensitive to and will make it feel bad.

And most people, without thinking, say this with an air of carelessness that I would equate to inviting someone's recently deceased grandmother over for tea. They are not ever aware of the seriousness of their mistake. Often they are not restricted from many or any foods or do not have a disordered pattern of eating.

To tell me that I have a choice to pick what I eat and make it sound as easy as picking out a pair of underwear in the morning, is simply to be a big fucking asshole.

And frankly? In the morning I will often change my bra and underwear three or four times before going out. That does not get ingested and has no bearing on anything, as no one will see it most days and my body does not rely on it for its well being. That is the level of difficulty I am having with decision-making at this point.

Frankly, I'm pissed that when I say "I have a really hard time lately sticking to my restricted diet", I get an eyeroll and a sigh even from those closest to me.

Because, you know what?
I'm happy for all these people that feel they could do a better job.
They have the impression eating is simple.When you go to a restaurant and there is one thing on the menu you can eat, you feel annoyed and frustrated- but it is someone's birthday so you say nothing. 

See? Simple.
Some people have it in their head that it should be easy to find something that you actually want to eat when you are on a road trip and "stop for a snack". [a lot of the time it's like... Red Bull and beef jerky, because I've already had so much fruit that day- one of a handful of things that is portable and I can eat- that my body is starting to complain.]

I'm glad that everyone on earth could do a better job taking care of my body and sticking to the ideal diet that works best for it..

I propose this: Try it for a week.


I just can't EVEN.

I just need to get this out.
And, well, it is what it is.
I'm doing ok, but I'm not.

I'm not keeping up with my appointments with fucking ANYONE. I mean anyone. I feel exhausted all the time and occasionally like I've just been deprived of oxygen for an extended period.

  • I haven't seen my disability coordinator twice now.
  • I need to finish applying for a loan so I'm not flipping my shit and trying to scramble for rent money in a few months. Only, I haven't done that.
  • I have to call my doctor's office. My regular doctor. Two separate individuals from the office have been trying to get a hold of me for a week and a half- two weeks now. oops
  • I haven't seen my new therapist for, um... a matter of weeks.
  • Same with the new psychiatrist.

So what's my problem?
I have migraines coming out my ass, I feel tired and a little stressed out from school.
But the thing is, I feel like, going to classes is my limit.
That's it. Classes, I can handle. You add all this extra appointment bullshit and it's just too fucking much. It's like having a job.

I'm also pissed because my neurologist's office called, said something 'suspicious' [oooohhhhh boogity!] came up on the eeg and said I have to do an ambulatory one. I don't want to miss classes but they won't let me do it on the weekend and they want it done ASAP. Like this coming week. So I have to fucking go to class with it. I am so not happy about this that words can't even describe.

I missed class today because I was just so overwhelmed with the overwhelmingness that I thought I was going to start crying or start running down the street naked. I can miss four classes before it even starts affecting my grade at ALL, and I'm doing really well, so I figured it was ok.

But see? See the craziness? I will miss class cause I don't feel like it but not because I have a fifty-legged electrical spider strapped to my skull.

I am kind of fucked up about the EEG.

Because here's the thing: I kind of felt, like, "deep within my heart of hearts" that something could come up. And even though I was all bravado "It's not a big deal there's no reason to have it done it's not going to show anything" the real reason was that I was scared something was going to come up. and now... meh...

I mean deep down when I'm really honest with myself I'm pretty sure there's something neurologically funky there beyond "migraines". I don't know what it is. Whatever it is is steadily getting worse.

And I'm pissed.

I mean really, is that absolutely necessary?


I want to be a jerk.

There's this inner tension I'm feeling. Pretty much constantly. Like I'm afraid I'm going to turn to someone and just be like "Ok, could you shut the fuck up? Hmm? Just, please? Do us all a fucking favor."

I feel a little short tempered.

I feel a little paranoid like everyone is talking about me, and no one likes me and I'm irritating and pissing everyone off.

I'm sleeping around 5 hours a night. Sometimes I wake up at like 430. For NO. REASON.
This morning I was up at 630. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, folded my clothes, cleaned my room, took a shower and worked on a painting all before eleven. Oh and had breakfast.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is not the Josie we've all come to know and love.

I mean, it's good to get that done, but what follows it up, quite shortly, is a little irritability, a lot more paranoia, more impulsivity, lack of attention to important things.

I called my doctor but she's out of the office for the week and I talked to someone standing in for her. He was really nice and seemed really competent and listened to my concerns.
He came up with a low dose of risperdal/risperidone temporarily at bedtime to try to get me some sleep and even me out.
...which is what I've done in the past. Ta Da! Someone who knows what they are doing!

it's amazing!