5.21.2012

Reality show.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping.

What happened is that a while ago, I wasn't all that great with keeping up with my meds and wasn't feeling well and was generally having trouble keeping up with just life. I saw my doctor and we came up with some ways to remember to take my meds more regularly. Since I've been doing that, I started having trouble with sleep.

Specifically what started happening, that hadn't happened before, is that I couldn't fall asleep usually until 12, 1230, 100 [stometimes later]. The absolute latest I would be able to sleep until was about 630 in the morning. This usually averaged to about 5 hours of sleep. This went on for about two and a half weeks, maybe a little longer.
I am someone who can handle that for a couple days, but as a general rule I need about 8.5-9 hours I think.

So I ended up exhausted, but I had a sneaking suspicion it was the fluvoxamine at the root of these issues. I switched it to the morning instead of the night. It seemed, for a couple days, like my sleep might be morphing into something acceptable.

Then, a couple nights ago I didn't sleep. I don't mean I had trouble sleeping and only got a little bit here and there. I mean I literally didn't sleep. I stayed up about thirty hours, slept about an hour, then slept again that night [at a "normal" time].  That ended up being a very choppy and fitful sleep which left me feeling drunk every time I tried to get up until 2pm. 

This brings us to last night.

I couldn't get to sleep until I think 130ish. And then-surprise, surprise- it's 615 and I'm up again. 

Sigh.

I used to have sleep problems like this sans medication a lot when I was younger. But I have also had long periods where my sleep was fairly predictable.

The real problem, as I see it, is that I'm starting to get paranoid. They tell me [doctors and such] that it's a small part true paranoia, a big part OCD because of the way my thought process goes. 
Regardless of the origin or mechanism, I've also had true paranoia before and the result is much the same: you get anxious and don't trust your thoughts entirely and it's uncomfortable and sucky.

I found myself searching my shower walls and ceiling for ten minutes yesterday, looking for even the tiniest hole that someone might put maybe a microscopic camera through to film me. 
It makes no sense. 
Even at the time, it Made. No. Sense.
I knew it was stupid, made no sense, that there was no logic to it, even as I felt the compulsion to look.

And the whole "Someone is filming me in the shower" bit? 
That's certainly a new one on me.

5.04.2012

The Midnight Crazies

I'm not sure what it is I want to say, but wherever I say it, there I am...

I've been having these periods of time late at night. For the most part it is when I am in bed and going to sleep and shutting everything down. I may or may not have music on. I have my blankets bundled around me. Taking deep breaths and sort of sinking into the mattress.

Well, trying to.

I get these thoughts. It starts often as an idea, or something I need to tell someone, something I want to do. Then suddenly we are off and running. I have about a thousand ideas about Life the Universe and Everything. The reason I don't get out of bed and write it all down is because I'm afraid it will keep me up for four hours.

I don't stop for a while. It just flows on and on and on.

It feels racy.

Creative, new, exciting.

...Manicky- - -but not.

I'm not having these thoughts so much during the day for the most part.
It's really odd.

I'm so bored. Bored with myself. I'm boring. I can't do anything right now. I'm trying so hard to do things. Even when I work through doing it, it's just meh. Everything is meh.

I want to sleep. I can't sleep. I don't sleep.

I lie awake anxious at night, trying to escape the mundane day-to-day that all just adds up to "meh".

meh.

5.01.2012

Mix it up.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she said I seem to be in a mixed state. Which I guess makes sense. It just didn't occur to me. I had just been labeling it "feel like crap". But the agitation and extreme anxiety and the sleep problems and the random things that seem funny and the depressed feelings and the sadness and hopelessness and... I don't know.
The everything.
There's more.

I kind of flipped out while talking to someone last night.

I'll write about what that was about more clearly when I feel a little more up to it. But basically, it was about how everything is work, and difficult. People don't understand this. It doesn't come naturally to get out of bed and take a shower and eat breakfast and things like that. It takes energy out of the daily pot, which at this point is maybe half full to begin with.

It takes self-coaching and skills to get all these things down.

"Nothing is routine when you are crazy" is I think the little gold nugget that came out of my ranting and raving.

People always talk about establishing a routine.
When it feels like it is hard to do everything it's not routine, it's a struggle.

I'll make more sense when I feel a little better.

I will feel better.
I just don't have a timeline for that.