6.30.2012

Welcome to OCD, the land of the ridiculous.

It's strange. My OCD is much more obsessive, but I do have some compulsions. Things that make me very very uncomfortable, and just put me more at ease if I do them. But like most of my life, they are rarely exacting and consistent.

The pump on the shampoo bottle and the conditioner bottle have to be pumped a certain number of times. This can get high, most of the time being 17,18 or 19 though sometimes being 23 or 25. Not 21. Never 21.

If I have pumped it and put it in my hair and I feel wrong, I have to condition my hair, rinse it out and do it again.

How is it "wrong" or "right"? I don't know. I don't know what cosmic entity enforces this stuff, but it's so stupid you can't make it up.

I also have opposing compulsions.

If there are tables with borders, I really feel more comfortable lining things up right in the corner of the border. It's just "better".
However, I don't like glasses and things like that [anything that could possibly break], near an edge unless I can watch it, and even then it should be at least three inches in.

So this is a problem. I guess I solve it by fidgeting with stuff.
Which I suppose is annoying as fuck to some people.


...as i said, I'm not sure you can make this shit up.

6.22.2012

Pay it forward.

A stranger bought me a car the other day.

...I was at Target, debating whether I wanted to buy the bottle of blood orange soda or the "vintage" style matchbox [which cost all of 2.64] and finally decided on the soda. I placed the car aside and sighed. This gentleman looks at me and looks at the car and understands what just happened.

"You aren't going to get that?"

"No, ha. You have to make some tough decisions sometimes"

I smiled but he went on:
"How much is the car?"

"2.64?" I said, puzzled.

"Ok, I'll buy it for you"

I kind of resisted, and with stuff like this I'm never sure if it's ok to just let the person do the nice thing. Because in my mind, why can't people just do nice things for other people? But I've always been given the impression that it's not ok to accept people doing nice things. On the other hand, people always say that you should do nice things.

So I had a little internal tug of war that was halted when immediately following my transaction he grabbed the car and said loudly "OK SCAN THIS FOR ME BUT GIVE IT TO HER!"

After I say "Yay! I have a car!", he just smiles and says "Just pay it forward"

6.09.2012

It really shouldn't be this complicated... right?

I'm frustrated, I honestly don't know what to do.
To catch anyone up to speed who hasn't run across this:
I freaked out at work because it was getting gradually more and more difficult to be there until ultimately I just had a total melt down. This is due to OCD and such that has just been hammering at my brain, and was already doing so before I even started the job. 

Work seemed to exacerbate it further.

So I had this flip out thing, and I went home that day [Saturday].
They said if it would help, not to come in today [Monday]. I thought it definitely would help since my next shift isn't until Thursday. Only my psychiatrist doesn't see the real urgency of the situation, as in "[Josie] may lose her job" and won't try to make an emergency appointment. 
Err... ok, I accept that. It's her call, maybe I'm being demanding...?

So my next appointment isn't until Thursday... the same day as the next shift I'm supposed to work. Now if we could have raised the luvox and done some other weird prn magic I was thinking maybe it would help.

Though now I don't see my psychiatrist until Thursday and work said they were really hoping they could count on me to make my shift Thursday.

So I'm in a bind. I really have doubts that work will, uh, work without making some kind of change first.
I don't want to get fired.
But then I'm thinking, raising the luvox might even mess with my sleep.
My mother thinks that I should do shorter shifts.
I feel really frustrated and I also will have to deal with being treated "differently". Also, having shorter shifts, as in four hours, you get no break. That's just how it is.
I don't know if I can do that.

But if I have a longer shift, it becomes more and more overwhelming as well.
However, the day I flipped out I had only been there about ten or fifteen minutes.

My mother is convinced this will happen anywhere new any time.

I'm not. I'm particularly vulnerable right now as I'm trying to find a new apartment and I'm having "flareups" to begin with.

Basically, I'm looking at- do I continue, knowing it may possibly make me crazier, or not, risking losing some ground [vocationally and financially] ?

If I go really nuts, it puts my fall classes in jeopardy, if I don't continue with the job, basically it just really sucks a whole lot. Everyone is likely disappointed, possibly mad, doesn't understand completely, and deep down actually will think I'm not trying hard enough
But I am much less likely to lose my marbles.
Isn't sanity the point here?

I just don't know.