10.18.2012

done.

I'm quitting school. And my mother thinks I haven't yet made this decision. But it's done. It's made. I know because I woke up feeling like I could breathe, like I wasn't going to probably die by my own hand in the next six months or less, I could do a couple chores, a weight felt lifted off my shoulders. This is not an easy decision. I have been working toward my degree for about ten years, but I would prefer to be happy and alive then be miserably working my way toward death. And I'm sure everyone thinks I'm overly dramatic because I'm really good at faking that things aren't so bad. And when I'm not faking it, I'm logical and articulate, so things can't possibly be as horrible as I'm able to explain they are.

10.16.2012

Bleak

I don't think it was just being sick.

I think being sick doesn't make things any easier, but I don't think that's the problem.

I just have no hope for my future. And I feel like a fake, like a failure. I can't do anything. I'm sitting here, I have the outline of a speech already done. The speech is on bipolar. I have class in three and a half hours. I HAVE THE SPEECH ALMOST HALF WRITTEN. I can't continue to do it.


And what I have written, save the intro, is really a bunch of shit. I don't know what to do with myself.

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday.

This is purely a chemical episode. She didn't do anything except give me an absolute minimal amount of my ADD meds.

I don't know what's going on. A little while ago I thought I was feeling better. But I think I'm just good at faking it.

I'm realy deeply darkly depressed.
And I'm going to totally fuck up school.
AGAIN. And everyone is going to hate me.

I'm not meant to be successful.
I'm so scared.
Everything seems so terrible.

I hate everything.

I don't know what to do.
I'm in so much pain and so confused and feel so helpless. I should be able to do so much better. Why can't I?


10.14.2012

low on gas.

I had this conversation with my roommate/really good friend.  I was visibly upset over some school work and started to talk to her about my frustrations with school and my fear of graduating.

The thing is, I'm starting to wonder why I am in school. I struggle with just being part time, I can't work a full time job and struggle with part time commitments and demands. I'm not going to magically graduate and become this magnificently functional person, every minute of every day, no matter how hard my mother wishes and hopes.

I feel there's no place for me. I'm scared and frustrated and sad. I feel like I'm so incapable and I don't know what's going to happen.

And my friend.... I didn't want to get into a bitchfest with her about how she just didn't get it but-
SHE. DOESN'T. GET. IT.

I can't just "Plug away at it" and "stick with it" and "try harder".

That's not how it works, and such platitudes are hardly appropriate for my current situation. There is a finite amount of try and do and then you break.  That's just how it is.  I'm already trying harder and having such great difficulty doing my work. I'm not in the trenches, but I missed a few classes and am scrambling to recover from that.

School is hard right now.

And then it's just like... try harder. It's not what precisely what she said, and I know she meant what she said in the nicest most supportive way possible.  But she doesn't understand.  When I get up from my work it's not because I'm being lazy. I'm about to scream or cry or slam my head on the desk because my brain isn't working and it's so overwhelming I feel on the edge of a panic attack.

It's as thought the whole of my future rests on every assignment, every paragraph I write, every answer to every question.

My parents really don't understand either.

They think somehow a diploma is going to erase the dysfunction.

10.08.2012

I've been really tired and totally unfocused and, I'm realizing, getting a lot of headaches. I'm also going over the past few weeks and realizing some stuff has been going on.

I've been missing some things when people talk to me, been having much more jerking, been just exhausted, had a "cotton head" a few times and other, much more subtle, uh, feelings... that are REALLY hard to quantify.

Like right now. My brain is not right. Right now.

I can try to explain.

It's like being mildly drunk. For some reason, though I can obviously still type, and type well, for me there are extra challenges. My fingers aren't flowing as well, they pause randomly, I have to think extra steps to type the letters. There is nothing natural and smooth about it, like there usually is.

THe right side of my head feels odd. Heavier, subtly tingly [just barely], and like there is cotton between my brain and my skull. And deeeeeeeep in there, there is mild pain. So mild, I wonder now and then if it's ACTUALLY there. Then I look at a light. Yep. It's there.

And things just look weird. like looking through fake glasses.
Or at a television. There's nothing wrong with it. But it's not right.

I'm just waiting for it to get worse.


I'm sorry I'm bitching.
I'm frustrated.

I don't really know how to deal with my brain behaving badly at this point.

10.07.2012

Brick Wall.

I don't know what to say.

I feel like... nothing. Like staring at the ceiling for two more years.

But I can laugh, so according to one of my friends, I must not be depressed.

He tells me that I self-diagnose a lot. So saying I'm depressed isn't just saying how I feel, apparently it's saying that I have a new diagnosis.

And if I say I'm not feeling great, but don't display typical depression-like behaviors, I must be misreading, overreacting, wrong wrong wrong.

I can sit and do nothing for eight hours. I don't know what is going on, but things aren't right.

 I'm scared of what I'm becoming but I don't care, too.

Diet Pepsi Epilepsy Fuck All Fits

So I had a thing today.

Like a THING. 
A brain thing. 
At first i couldn't quite tell if something was happening. But that happens about half the time- I sit there wondering if something is actually happening or I'm mistaken and just convincing myself something is happening or I'm confused or something and then 99% of THOSE times, it turns out that eventually stuff gets worse/more intense/other stuff starts to happen and I go "OH. Right.".

So it started with my vision being a little off and feeling what I thought might be the start of a migraine on the right front part of my head.

And it's so hard to explain what is off about it sometimes. One thing that was distinct is that I was having macropsia, but only with some things on the right side of my vision. So that was what made me go "no, there's nothing going on, this is ridiculous".

but then it changed to like, both my hands, and I started to feel foggy, and my right eye felt HUGE, and the mildish pain [that felt like the beginnings of a migraine- i dunno, it just had "that feeling" about it


But I was foggy for a while.


This is bothering me though.

Cause I was mildly disoriented at one point and it was like my vision scanning was in slow motion. I also had a distinct feeling of unease and had to just lay down for a while to settle everything out.

This sucks man. 

10.03.2012

Weird.

I don't really... know how to talk about this.

I don't feel like doing school. It holds no importance for me anymore. It's just a thing. I don't really care.
I'm missing classes because I can't get my ass out of bed at 11am.

This is really ridiculous. I don't really give a fuck though. Like I'm kinda doing the work, but it holds no meaning for me. I would rather sink into a hole.

I wonder if I'm depressed again/still/whatever. But I don't really feel it.

In fact, skipping class doesn't even make me nervous. There must be something going on, like- I just don't care.

I don't know why or what it means.