4.25.2013

Trust me yesterday.


Today was pretty good actually.  I had an interview and it went much better than I thought it could, in a very unexpected way.

Than I met up with a friend I have known for about ten years. We had lunch and caught up; we meet for lunch about every other month.  It's usually really fun. Our humors are very similar and so we often laugh for most of the time we are together.

I stopped in and saw my dad, since lunch was near by.

I got a bunch of yummy friendly candy in the mail and hung out with my downstairs neighbors for a bit.

I feel better in general about where I'm going.

But.
There's a but.

...

So, I feel like there are likely a lot of people who are not familiar with mental illness and all it entails who don't have a clear picture of what it is like to take medication.  I've actually run into some people, and heard of others who honestly think you pop *A* pill, and that's it- you are all better. What's the problem?

They can't really conceive that there are instances where an individual- such as myself for example- might take a handful of medications. Blood levels need to be taken periodically. It's important to be aware of what other medications you might take- like cold medications or pain relievers. Some foods might interact.  Side effects need to be contended with.

If you get sick, depending on the medication and what your symptoms are, that can also affect the medication.

...

So over share time:
I have had pretty bad gastric distress the past couple of days.  I feel a bit dehydrated. But the dehydration is not like, terribly worrisome.  What is worrisome, is that I'm fairly certain my lithium level is a bit wonky.

It may, or may not, explain what is going on in my head. I truly have no idea.

...

All this good stuff is happening.

I am exploring the possibility of a job change.  To something better, that I would be happier doing.
But where I am right now is really not a bad place.

And suddenly it occurred to me tonight, sort of out of nowhere: "fuck everything".

Like, what if I just don't go to work.
This is really an odd notion for me.  Because working, and obligations, and responsibility... it all is kind of like an obsessive/compulsive thing for me.  So to just blow anything off, something has to be really loose.

I've gone through the possible resulting consequences of these potential actions. They are negative.  Of what responses of people in my life would be. They are negative. Of financial, emotional, psychological affects would be. They are negative.

But it's not making enough of an impact.

So it's like I have to logically FORCE myself back on the track and hope eventually I'll get it again. Why I'm doing anything at all.

Like, I knew my reasons for doing what I'm doing at one point, and I'll know them again, and it will make sense.

But right now, it's a fucking mystery.

I just have to use the logic that the old me knew what I was doing.
This strategy has been successful in the past;
I have to trust that it can be again.